Kerry Stabs Edwards with a BallPoint Pen
10/5/2004
by: Kilgore Trout
Presidential Candidate John Kerry was restrained and arrested Tuesday night after allegedly stabbing John Edwards immediately following the Vice Presidential debate. "He just went berserk, I don't know what came over him" says Kerry campaign manager Mary Beth Cahill.
In a heavily anticipated debate, Edwards and Cheney sparred over foreign and domestic policy for 90 minutes. "Oh, it was brutal, I just couldn't watch the whole thing" says Wendy Sanders from Morgantown, WV. "The debate moderator was a complete moron, Cheney was evil and scary, and John Edwards, good Lord," After a brief pause, she continued, "Thank God he didn't get the nomination."
John Edwards the trial lawyer turned Senator from North Carolina was the early favorite to win tonight's debate. "This is a man who staked his reputation and career on swaying juries and destroying his opponents with brilliant argumentation" says columnist Paul Krugman. "I honestly don't know what in the hell he was doing tonight. I drank nearly a 6-pack trying to watch the thing."
Republicans were also a bit dismayed by tonight's outcome. RNC chairman Ed Gillespie was overheard saying, "Damn, where was Cheney when we needed him last Thursday?" And Bill O'Reilly from Fox news was peeved as well, " I just can't believe Edwards implied that Cheney was actually related to a homo without an immediate denial by the Vice President. I need to do some real soul searching tonight."
Some say it was a draw. Undecideds gathered at the Blarney Stone Pub in Fells Point, Baltimore still weren't swayed, " I can't make heads or tails of these guys. Everytime I go to take a drink and look back up, someone else is talking about millions of this or millions of that. Like I can keep all that shit straight" says Bill. His buddy Shawn was equally miffed, " I'm just glad that old guy didn't have a heart attack or something, that smiley shitbag sure as hell wouldn't have done CPR on him."
Officials, though are still baffled by Kerry's violent outburst following Edwards' performance. Witnesses report hearing him screaming and yelling obscenities, "That sweet-talking little shit just cost me the fucking election, he couldn't debate his ass out of a paperbag."
He was frisked and led to into the Secret Service car, handcuffed and head bowed. He was heard muttering, "Should have gone with Clark, should have gone with Clark."