Dear Constituent XCR-1257946:
On behalf of myself, my wife (clone 2), and my entire administration, I would like to wish you Happy Thirtieth Ronald Reagan and Thanksgiving Holiday.
While I cannot personally be with you today, know that I will be watching you and your family enjoy the processed turkey meat and tofu stuffing that you undoubtedly purchased with your government issued food and sex coupons at your local ABC liquor and sundries store.
Please observe the 2.3 glasses of wine festivities rule, as the penalty for drunken driving is now death by repeated tasering until fibrillation (TUF).
Since the founding of Empire America in 2008 (all praise Him who dare speak His name), I have been pleased to be your supreme and beloved ruler and commander in chief. Even after the nasty "slacker uprising" of 2011, I never lost faith in the goodness of the American people, or their obvious love for me. In the coming year, with the introduction of the Cybernautic Computer Complex, my administration will be able to predict and supply all your needs, even before they occur to you.
On the war front, the continued uprising in the state of Iraqistan has been crushed for the fifty-first time. Everyone is happy there now, as you can plainly see on your bidirectional holovision sets. Schools have been painted and pipelines repaired by the Department of Halliburton.
On a happy note, spawn of our founders Condi and Rummy have successfully hatched, and will be ready to take over the helm of the Department of Permanent War in about 3 months.
On a personal note, I have never felt better in my life. The new heart and lung machine attached to my head has given me new energy, and inspired me to consider growing new legs and walking again.
Important: Remember to always take one and only one red pill before retiring for the night at curfew. As usual, you will find it in your personal pneumatic tube. The Oracle informs me that the Empire cannot be responsible for any injuries that might occur to you should you experience hallucinations of an alternate reality that clearly doesn't exist, except for a few crazy people.
All Praise the Eagle.
Your Dear Leader,
Neo