In honor of the much-anticipated resignation of John Ashcroft, I thought I'd share this amusing little performance piece from 2003 that always got the crowd rolling.
For months, we got all kinds of hits to it from folks Googling John Ashcroft my hero. They got a bit of a surprise, I'd imagine.
Cheers, Johnny-boy and may a squadron of calico cats chase your extremist, Crisco-blessing ass all the way back to the rock you crawled out from!
A Prayer to My Hero (March 2003)
So much to do
if you're the unofficial
savior of the world
but Mr. Ashcroft,
please find time for me.
Preacher, teacher,
underdog to senatorial corpses
hear my humble plea.
Dear Mr. Ashcroft,
spank me with your bible belt!
My wanton soul needs
the guidance of the man
who proved that with faith
and a pliant Supreme Court
a failed zealot can run the world.
* Yeah....that's it....believe....believe *
Those pesky rights
can only addle my mind
with naughty, wicked ideas.
You know, Mr. Ashcroft,
what freedoms I deserve.
Freedom leads to thought.
Didn't I learn the lesson
of the tree of knowledge?
Please, Mr. Ashcroft,
make my sinful mind clean.
Wash me, Big John!
Scrub away all that free will,
cleanse me of independence.
I want to be the model of
your perfect American.
* Patriotism is keeping your big pie-hole shut *
All those cursed amendments
and Constitution go too far.
Your cunning insight is needed,
wise Mr. Ashcroft,
to cut them down to size.
You don't need to tell
what evidence exists
or where you got it.
Like God, Mr Ashcroft,
you warrant blind faith.
If you know someone is evil,
that's enough for me.
Throw away that key!
Why waste good law
on those bad, bad people.
* Psst...Law only exists for who YOU say it does *
Un-rock my world
and censor those temptations.
They can only lead to choices.
You see, Mr. Ashcroft,
the danger that options create.
Creep in my computer
and all I see and hear.
Crawl into my sinful mind.
They all, Mr Ashcroft,
need your special touch.
Out, demonic lust!
Away, thoughts of skin and sweat!
Purge the urge from my wicked coochie.
Leave only wholesome distaste
where fucking used to be!
* Even statues should be ashamed of their bodies *
Don't stop at that
when perverts are still free
allowed to live among us.
Lock them, Mr. Ashcroft,
in closets of your delusion.
There is no such thing
as acceptable deviation.
Not according to you and God.
Teach me, Mr. Ashcroft
how you have acheived perfection.
Show me how to reject
the differences of my nature.
You hold the sacred secrets
and can lead me to a place
of holy homogenius sterility.
* Everything that feels good and natural MUST be a sin. *
Charge the crusaders path
through the wasteland of science
and black magic of medicine!
They forget, Mr. Ashcroft,
that healing, mercy belongs to God.
Medical pot, my eye!
Arrest that heathen scum
who hold the demon weed!
Your mercy, Mr. Ashcroft,
allows them to feel God's pain.
Do they not realize
that healing pain is sinful
unless accompanied
by a Prayer donation
and firm buff to the head?
* Oh...and expensive pills marketed by GOP contributors are part of God's plan *
I am dirty, unworthy
and lured toward unclean ways
by the devils of liberalism.
Heal me, Mr. Ashcroft,
and strike the evil from my midst.
Hang curtains everywhere
to hide even the chance of sin.
Build prisons for impure thoughts.
Fight on, Mr Ashcroft
until you conquer my tainted mind.
Give me freedom from choice,
From will, from thoughts of liberty!
Free me from the snare of civil rights
and the myth of a secular state.
Emprison me, John Ashcroft and save my soul!