I do. Don't get me wrong.
I am a left wing Liberal. I am proud of it. But I have to get this off my chest. I share something with my wingnut red state rednecks:
Many Liberals, and all Yuppies really annoy the heck out of me. I may be a little to the left of everyone who visits this blog. But life is just strange that way. But I am also a Southerner and I was brought up a little differently from most Liberals I know.
For example, although I am a Liberal, I hunt. Yes, I hunt. This isn't where it begins, though. It begins with you spoiled affluent liberal yuupies and your damn fru fru wireless internet pseudo euro coffee klatches. That's where it begins.
I hate you and your pretentious yuppie coffee hauses.
I hate what you drink. Your "half caf decaf soy chai lattes" ...??!!!WTF is that? What happened to good old G*damned coffee??? Like this: You take a spoonful of Good to the last G*damned drop Maxwell House instant, maybe two spoonfuls and put them in a cup. Then pour in hot water, stir once and drink it.
No, that's too vulgar for an enlightened upper middle class wannabe marketing executive. No. Juan Valdez isn't enough for you. You need beans specially roasted in actual Guatemalan lava flows and harvested by 13 year-old virgins on a quarter moon.
Everything you buy has to be designer this and environmentally friendly that and really expensive and obviously better than the detritus that comprises the interior of my apartment.
Also you will have to lecture me about all my shitty shit versus your cool shit. I don't buy Bang & Olufson speakers. Mine are Pioneer (Radio Shack) book-shelf speakers. Yours are flat, paper-thin composite stealth woofers that can reproduce a 3000000 megahertz signal so high it will "actually knock bats out of the sky."
Then again, you play John Mayer on them. Which says to me, you are an idiot, and a pussy. Screw your woofers. I Play Willie on mine, bitch!
Don't' even get started about your $1260 Italian mountain bike hand crafted by artisans who bath only in the waters of Lake Como!!!! Versus my shitty $160 Wal-Mart Schwinn mountain bike made by 14 year old Indonesian slaves.
I hunt.
Yesiree. I hunt. And do NOT hand me your bleeding heart left wing sanctimony about how cruel it is to take an animal's life... "one second," you signal me to hold my comments. Then you tell the clerk: "Two Whoppers please and a Supersized fries. And yes a Summer Shake with real milk."
Let me tell you something Albert Schweitzer, just because you drag it's frozen plucked ass out of a cellophane wrap doesn't give you any moral leverage on that one than me.
And who gives a flying cow pie if a deer looks cuter than a cow? If life is sacred, it's just as sacred for the ugly ass methane farting cow as it is for Bambi. Walt Disney might give a flying hoot and he's deader than Elvis. Just like that deer will be soon, the one I have in the sights of my Remington bolt-action .25-06.
My guess is that the 155 lbs doe in my freezer didn't suffer near as much as your Whopper did. My deer was eating berries somewhere in the Texas Hill Country in the bright sunshine, thinking about that big ten point buck, when out of the blue, my 160 grain Winchester .300 Magnum round crashed into its neck at about 2000 feet per second. Instantly it was knocked unconscious. Seconds later, it was dead. Your burger was all bleating and mooing and wondering why the routine changed this morning and HEY where are we going? Oh, and when they lifted it up into the air on a chain on a pulley, it panicked and had all kinds of hormones of fear running through that meat, especially when it got binged in the head with a baseball bat. Do I need to take us down the slaughter line any further?
You are all poseurs, masters of Dilettantism.
I hate how you liberals are always into your ultra hip hobbies. I mean you're always like three or four bad-ass looking women hogging all the comfortable chairs at a FourBucks and you talk too loud about your latest "dip into lake me" bored housewife ass lives. One of you is about to take your green-belt exam at a Tae Kwon Do studio...ooooooh. And another one is one tea ceremony away from being named a Reiki Master...aaaaaahh. One is about to graduate from a Kabbalah center and is selling red string Kabbalah bracelets blessed by Madonna herself! (Even though the others all know that you are banging Mr. Green belt). The fourth is planning an AFRICAN SAFARI. Wowee.
What's wrong with doing something normal, you know like popping open a Bud and watching an NFL game and ordering a Dominoes? Huh? How about pet your bored dog? Why must all you liberal yuppies always be delving into Tibetan Tantric Secret Crystal herb healing? Huh?
Oh, and now you're all Boxers!
Yeah, you go down to the boxing gym and the punch-drunk former middle weight running the place can't believe his luck, all of sudden he is cool and he is also raking in all your yuppie liberal cash so you can pretend to be a prizefighter.
Listen yuppettes, boxing occurs when you do more than just whack the heavy bag and do some sit-ups to Eye Of The Tiger and make the speed bag click. Boxing happens when you glove up and get in a ring with someone else who is not wearing focus gloves. They are wearing boxing gloves and they are trying to actually paste you like dry-wall. And you hit back, see? So when you put on your cool yellow hand wraps and stare at your fierce-ness in the mirror, and bounce around like a fighter you make people like me laugh at your sorry pussy ass. You are hitting the heavy bag, not boxing. OK? Ninety percent of you yuppie boxers would shrivel like a crispy critter if a pretty good junior middleweight ripped a hook inside your floating rib. I'd love to see you liberal worldly yuppie "kickboxers" right after a 119 lb Burmese Muay Thai fighter torques a Thai kick into your sciatic nerve. You'd be yelling "Mommy, I want to go back to soccer!!!!"
I hate your pussy bumper stickers.
Get Back to Nature. Or Imagine World Peace. OK. I'm with you on this. I imagine all of us living in a world with no war, no corporate perfidy, no enemies, finally got it all figured out, and then God helps us all get back to nature. Out of Oort Cloud, something in "nature" comes tumbling into our planet at about 126,000 miles an hour. It's 195 miles across, made mostly of ice and bauxite and weighs 100 quadrillion metric tons and will actually penetrate into the Earth's mantel when it hits. In one hour, there will be left of "civilization" other than cockroaches, and Twinkies. That's my way of getting back to nature.
I hate your hippie music.
I like all kinds of music. I am a Southerner and look, I like country music. Not Toby Keith necessarily, but I love the Dixie Chicks, I love Willie Nelson and Ray Charles...OK? I like Aretha and Ella and I like Eminem and I like Outkast. But you and your self-involved egghead West Wing addicts meditate to the sounds of Blue Whale calls from a CD you got at the Discovery Store. That's why you aggravate me. Music isn't enough for you. It has to be a dance remix version of a rare recording made on a remote Indonesian Island of a Tasaday Victory Song. Look, when I'm around, put on the Allman Brothers. Yes they had a tiff with Neil Young. So then put on Neil Young. But spare me the stealth woofer blow out version of Mongolian Tuvan throat singers bar mitzvahs.
I despise what you drive.
Don't give me your holier-than-thou Prius versus my gas guzzling Exposition, either. The negligible difference in harm that your car does to the environment doesn't make me a polluter, nor does it make you a Sierra Club booster. If you really wanted to make a difference, start calling you Congressmen about exempting the top polluters in the country. Shutting one of them down would do more good than all the Priuses on the rental lot at LAX.
So go ahead and flame me you card carrying left wing sensitive guy types, you hairy pits droopy-boobed tie dyed shirt Walden readers. Go ahead. I am a liberal. I am a yuppie. Just not like you