How `do, I'm Sam. Sam the snowman. Why yes, we have met before! Many years ago, back when I was mayor, when I told you the story of the big storm that hit us that one Christmas Eve. Well, let me tell you, that storm didn't do near as much damage to Christmastown as that foul wind that blew out of Texas a few years back. What's that? Well, pull up an ice block and I'll tell you all about it.
Yup, seems to me things started going to Hell right about the time George W. Bush took office. It was shortly afterwards that Santa took his whole operation public. That's right, an IPO. Didn't fetch near as much money as some folks thought it would, so the Wall Street boys told Santa he needed to slash his labor costs.
So Santa laid off all the elves, every last one of `em. Sent the whole toy makin' operation to Sri Lanka. Seemed pretty ironic to me that Santa's toys would be made by people who were themselves just children, toiling away in sweatshops, but it turns out that the Wall Street boys must love irony, `cause the stock shot through the roof! Then Santa reincorporated in the Cayman Islands to avoid payin' taxes. Can you imagine Santa in the Caymans? Why that fat bastard would sweat himself to death down there, but then, all he really had to do was rent a PO box and he was all set.
Now as you can imagine, this all hit the elves real hard. You take toy making away from elves and you're just asking for trouble. I mean, it's what they do! It's who they are! But now that they were all out of work a lot of them fell into despair. Started runnin' around town, drinkin' peppermint schnaps and vandalizing candy canes, if you can believe it. You'd think folks would be a little sympathetic to their situation, but all they did was build more prisons and pass some tough "three stripes and you're out" legislation.
Now of course, with the elves losing their health insurance, Hermey the dentist wasn't able to practice his love on them, and his practice went bust. He wound up joining the Army, which deployed him to "liberate" the Island Of Misfit Toys. Ya see, we were told that the island's king- you know, that flying lion guy-was amassing Weapons of Midnight Mass Destruction. Turned out not to be true, so now we're being told that the island's ruler was gaming the U.N.'s Toys For Tots program.
All I know is that it turns out that the whole frickin' island is sittin' on top of the world's second largest oil reserve! You heard right. That squirt gun-the one that shoots jelly-it turns out it's petroleum jelly! And since Santa traded in his magic sleigh for an SUV, well, you do the math!
Now, I always thought that Hermey was a good kid. Maybe a little odd for wanting to be a dentist, but a good kid nonetheless. So you can imagine how shocked some folks were when photos came out showing Hermey, a cigarette dangling from his lips, leading around the b-b-b-boat that can't stay a-a-a-float by a leash! Horrible! But then, Rush the Limbominable Snowmonster told folks that it t'weren't nothin' worse than a fraternity prank, and folks seemed to actually buy it. I swear, most folks have reindeer dung for brains.
But let me tell ya, the misfit toys ain't buyin' it! They're plenty pissed at us for occupying their land and Hermey and the rest of the troops from Christmastown are only safe in a heavily guarded "Red and Green Zone."
Meanwhile, back here in Christmastown, we're all being told to fear the threat of "radical Misfitism." Yukon Cornelius has been named head of homeland security, but so far all he's done is come up with a two-color warning system. You guessed it: Silver and gold. The treasury is broke, and what little money exists is being directed away from elf practice and put towards a new publicly financed stadium for the Reindeer Games. Fox has an exclusive contract to broadcast `em, startin' next year.
Speaking of broadcasting, most folks don't know it, but the North Pole actually serves as a nifty antenna. But all our local stations were bought up by Clear Channel, and now all they broadcast is twenty-four hours a day of Lee Greenwood singing freakin' Christmas music. It's enough to make me toss my ice cubes.
Then I got in trouble for issuing a marriage license to Prancer and Dancer. Well why the Hell not? They're good kids and they love each other...why shouldn't they be allowed to marry? They're a damned sight more faithful to each other than Santa was to Mrs. Clause. That's right, as soon as the money started rolling in the old man dumped her for a trophy wife who's one-eightieth his age. So now I guess you could say that she's full of the old Nick. At least a couple times a day, I reckon. Whooee, I love that joke!
Anyway, folks got their mukluks in a knot over me and the marriage license business, and Tom "The Icetongs" Delay saw to it that I got my snow white ass redistricted right out of Christmastown!
What really frosts my snowballs though is that after all these bad things were brought down upon us, most of Christmastown went and voted for four more years of the same! I mean, give me a freakin' break! The reindeer? They're all out of work too since Santa doesn't need them to pull his Hummer....he just lashes Rudolph to the fender to light his way through the smog that Bush's Clear Skies Initiatives have left us with. But even Blitzen voted Republican, and he's Jewish... his family name used to be Blintzen, ya know. Criminy!
Well that's it, I'm outta here. Far as I'm concerned these pinheads can have the place. Prancer and Dancer are opening up a bed & breakfast in Massachusetts, and they want to hire me to do the ice sculptures. It's gonna be a little warm for an old snowman like me I know, but at least those people down there have a freakin' brain in their heads. I'm off!
Before I leave though, let me sing you my song. You know, the one that's become almost as popular as the one about Rudolph. I've had to make a few changes to it though. Here goes:
Have a holy roller Christmas!
Yes it's that time of the year.
I don't know if there'll be snow, but at least we won't have queers.
Have a holy roller Christmas!
And in case you didn't hear,
You're required to have a holy roller Christmas this year.
Ho Ho, the mistletoe
Hung `bove Dubya's ass.
The "liberal media's" lining up,
Tickets are going fast.
Have a holy roller Christmas!
For at least the next four years.
NASCAR Dads wave Confederate flags,
And cheer "Armageddon's near!"
Have a holy roller Christmas!
And in case you didn't hear,
Good golly Miss Molly have a holy roller Christmas this year.
Ho Ho, the missiles' glow
Warms the neocons' hearts.
If half the world's up in flames,
They think that's a pretty good start.
Have a holy roller Christmas!
And embrace those swift boat smears.
Security Moms say "Drop those bombs,
And did we mention we don't like queers?!"
Have a holy roller Christmas!
And in case you didn't hear,
You're with the terrorists if you don't have a holy roller Christmas this year!