I used to put up a diary on a regular basis here at dKos. It was kind of a thrill actually, contributing to this wild new experiment in popular democracy; adding to this worldwide collaboration of progressive thinkers who, in the process, became my friends and fellow revolutionaries.
But I don't write much here anymore because it just isn't the same. Sure, the fact that my man is out of the race takes a bit of the shine off, but I'm not such a sore loser that I couldn't handle it if that was the only problem. There's more to it, and it starts with why I got involved in this political activism in the first place.
I would never have come here if it hadn't been for Howard. I would still be sitting in the dark, disgusted and angry at the right wing forces that were ruining this country and at the feckless Democratic party that did so little to stop them. I would still be depressed at my powerlessness to do anything about it.
But I'll never forget the day that I heard Howard Dean so forcefully say "You have the power to take your country back." He said it over and over and finally it hit me - he was right! And the more I listened to him, the more I understood the role I had to play.
And so the Governor kicked my sorry ass into action - an utterly fabulous example of pure, unadulterated leadership. I did what he said to do: I went to meetups. I canvassed. I spoke to civic groups. I was a guest on radio programs. I was interviewed on television. I put together broadcast ads. I was a local leader for the Dean volunteers. I converted not a few to Dean's message and I rallied the troops when their energy flagged. I did good, folks, I really did. I made a difference.
And I wrote diaries here at the Kos. I wasn't really trying to convince anyone here, there was no need to. After all, we were like minded people - many of you here for the same reason I was - Howard Dean told you to take your country back too.
We were mostly trying to feel our way through this unfamiliar business called politics. We learned from each other, practiced our stump speeches upon one another and we imagined a glorious day when we had a real president in the White House - a president who embodied the values we shared. A man who would fight for what we believed in - that the country didn't belong to the rich and powerful, it belonged to us.
But then came Iowa and forces I'd never imagined came down upon us like artillery fire. It was ironic, in a way, that while we were happily waging our little crusade against the politics of corruption and special interests, the powers that be were preparing us as an object lesson.
The attacks came from all direction, the Osama ads, the nasty push polling and the otherworldy shift in media coverage. Then came the Iowa caucus results and that stupid "scream" episode. Suddenly the most dynamic and effective leader I've ever seen was not only on the ropes, but was being disparaged and dismissed from all quarters.
The values that Howard Dean had professed were suddenly no longer important to the public, as the whole country was caught up in the horse race of politics as usual. Talk of principles was pooh-poohed in the press as some childish game, while the TV blared on about this manufactured chimera called electibility. The Dean campaign fell on hard times.
Dean's supporters rallied and we fought back as hard as we could. We reminded everyone about the man whose courage and honesty had made this election season so special, but suddenly nobody was listening. After only one loss, in the blink of an eye really, the pundits lined up to to declare Dean out of the race and the public began nodding their heads as one.
This hurt. It hurt bad. So I came running back to my friends at dKos to regroup and recharge and to rethink our strategy. But a funny thing awaited me. I found the horse race mentality alive and well, right here in dKos City. With two percent of the primary votes cast, a new subject line took shape.
The proud talk of principles and values were widely dismissed. In it's place was a curious defeatism, compromises misted with elaborate arguments about electibility that parroted the mainstream press. "Taking our country back" was replaced with the mantra of "Anybody but Bush," often as a thinly veiled justification for supporting a candidate that had just days before been on the skids.
Now, I don't begrudge anyone for supporting the candidate of his/her own choice, but a new and unwelcome attitude elbowed its way into the conversation - a schoolyard level of snark and sneering was leveled at Dean (and often at his supporters.) Like the unfortunate gladiator looking up at the downturned thumbs of the crowd that had just been cheering him on, Dean was actually scorned.
"Wait," We cried, "This is the man who got us here, who had the courage to frame the debate for the entire election. This is the man who pulled the Democratic party out of its spider hole. Only two states have spoken, the primary season has just begun. If politics is so rough a business that it can afford no loyalty, at least there could be some respect for this man who fought so hard to get us here."
But instead of respect, I found myself faced with demand after insistent demand that I immediately desert Howard Dean and leap to the side of the frontrunner - even though the nomination was months away. As if a failure to play follow the leader was tantamount to being a Republican sympathizer, you could be either a good "Anybody but Bush" Democrat and support John Kerry or else you could be a Dean supporter - there were no other options.
Things got nasty. Expressing one's support for Dean and the principles that brought us here, routinely elicited angry rebukes and accusations of disloyalty to a political party that many of us had only recently joined - joined because of Howard Dean.
The world might not end now that Howard Dean will not be the nominee, but the election will not be the same for me. I gave up my Independent affiliation this year to become a Democrat because I found a guy who stood up for his values and his principles and for the rightness of fighting for them.
If our battle cry for this election is "We're not as bad as Bush," I guess I can't argue with the truth of the statement; but that isn't particularly what I signed up for - I signed up for a change. And if dKos becomes a place where sticking up for one's beliefs is met with hostility or disdain, I probably won't be as good a Democrat as some people seem to want me to be.
Here's my truth, folks: Regardless of who I end up voting for in November, I'm a Dean guy for life because his principles are the ones that I agree with and I will not abandon them. Those values come before party affiliation and regardless of how this primary season turns or how the election goes down, those principles are where my ultimate devotion lies. Frankly, I'm having a hard time trying to figure out what the values of the Democratic party actually are.
And as far as `Anybody But Bush' goes, well, I can't say I trust the collective wisdom of the Democratic Party to figure out how to get rid of him. Since just before Iowa I've been absolutely gobsmacked as the party has bolted like wild ponies for the very candidate that I believe George Bush will have the least trouble defeating. But we've beaten that to death here already...
Now I hear the call to unity, the call to fall in line behind a frontrunner that I've never liked and don't feel particularly capable of beating Bush. I'm told that failing to donate money and to work for the party is some sort of treason.
But I'm still waiting for the Democratic Party to let me know what it stands for - aside from not liking Republicans, that is. I'm waiting to hear how the Democrats will change this country's future while they continue the politics of backroom deals. I'm still waiting for the remaining candidates to step out of their four-story mansions to fight for "ordinary Americans."
What I'm hearing from the candidates now sounds suspiciously like the latest polls sweetened by professional speechwriters into a vague simulation of leadership. Forgive my cynicism, but I came here because Howard Dean was a leader, unafraid to say what might not be popular and the Democrats have only punished him for it. I am not enthused.
The good Democrats on this board will likely not appreciate my bitterness. They will probably object to my characterization of the party as a loose organization of people so fearful of the truth that they would abandon the best leader they've had in thirty years because the media told them to. Instead they will ask me to support John Kerry (he's electible, you know) although I can't imagine him ever fighting to change the way that Washington works.
Nobody likes a sore loser, a party pooper, a disgruntled fellow traveler; and I imagine that many of you would just as soon I ride off into the sunset where I won't say these things. I can understand that. But if you want me to support the Democratic party then someone ought to explain to me what the hell it stands for and how regular Americans will ever have a say in a party run solely by the rich and politically connected.
Today Howard Dean closed down his campaign with a plea to support the eventual nominee in the fight to unseat George Bush. Ok, I'll do that.
Then he told us that the Dean for America campaign would turn into a new organization that would "continue the effort to transform the Democratic Party and to change our country."
Suddenly, I don't feel so bad; the captain is back on board.
Maybe we can make this work after all.