What would the world be like in a Sam Alito Supreme Court??
Hmmmmmm.....
What would the right to privacy be reduced to?
Who would be protected?
Who would be hung out to dry?
How much more Schiavo-like intrusion would become commonplace?
Let's imagine.....
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September 15, 2007
To: Steven Wannardi (husband)
From: Attorney representing Erin Wannardi (wife)
Subject: Dr.'s Appointment on 9/30/07
Dear Mr. Wannardi(heretofore referred to as "husband"),
As per the conversation on the morning of 9/04/07, my client Erin (heretofore referred to as "wife") complained of slight dizziness and a faint feeling of nausea at approximately 8:15am in the immediate vicinity of the bathroom of the apartment that you both occupy.
Wife discussed with you on said morning of 9/04/07, and having checked her Federal PMS 1099 forms from the previous month , she had in fact missed her monthly cycle by approximately 5-7 days. According to wife's records, you replied, "Oh shit..." and proceeded to brush your teeth furiously. Apart from the fact that your behavior really "stung" and made wife feel "abandoned and unloved", it was agreed, according to wife, that she see a doctor to find the cause of the nausea and dizziness.
Consider this letter as notification that an appointment has been secured with Dr. Lomax, wife's primary care physician to be executed on 9/30/07 at 9:00a.m. EST Please consider yourself fully informed and considered. You are welcome to attend with wife if your so choose and if your schedule allows.
Thank you for your attention.
Regards
Milton B. Hosenbacher Esq.
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September 17, 2007
To: Milton Hosenbacher, Esquire
From: Attorney for Steven Wannardi("husband")
Re: Wife's Dr.'s appointment
Dear Sir:
My client and I thank you for your notification of the doctor's appointment set for 9/30/07. Mr. Wannardi (heretofore referred to as "husband") would like to express his great relief that Mrs. Wannardi("wife") has taken the initiative (as she has failed to on many fronts during the course of their four year marriage) and secured this examination on her own for a change. It is a great relief to husband that wife is finally taking responsibility for her own life and contributing to marriage in a constructive and rational way rather than flying into a tizzy at the first sign of a PMS 1099 scare as she has so many times in the past.
Unfortunately, my client will, regrettably, be unable to attend the appointment as someone has to go to work and put food on the goddamn table.
Husband hopes that all goes well and looks forward to movie night Wednesday.
Best Regards,
Samuel Sinclair Assburger, Esq.
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September 19, 2007
To: Attorney for Steven Wannardi
From: Milton B. Hosenbacher Esq.
Re: What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Dear Mr. Assburger:
Than you for your swift reply to our notification regarding Mrs. Wannardi's impending appointment with her primary care physician, Dr. Lomax. Mrs. Wannardi regrets her husbands inability(or refusal) to attend the appointment but, as always, she "understands".
On a separate matter, my client would like to point out, in response to Mr. Wannardi's comments, that "someone has to put food on the table" is, in fact, outrageous in it's conception.
My client asks that Mr. Wannardi try to remember who is was who put his sorry ass through graduate school while he whined every evening about how he was "unsure" about the pursuit of said degree. And my client would like to remind Mr. Wannardi who it was that patted his fragile little ego when he cried like a little baby girl and lamented the fact that "he wasn't smart enough to be in international finance".
This is not to even begin in describing her exasperation at the constant and eventually "tiresome" application of affirmation, that she felt his penis was sufficiently large enough to satisfy her during the entire term of their marriage and before--totaling eight years in spite of his repeated assertions to the contrary.
Best Regards,
Milton Hosenbacher, Esquire
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September 21, 2007
To: Milton Hosenbacher, Esquire, Attorney for Steven Wannardi
From: Samuel Sinclair Assburger, Esq., Attorney for Erin Wannardi
Re: You really wanna go there??
Dear Mr. Hosenbacher,
Thank you for your kind reply. As my client and I anxiously await the results of the mutually beneficial and exceedingly intelligent decision to have the appointment with Dr. Lomax, my client would like to respond to some assertions made by your client, Mrs. Wannardi in your last correspondence.
First of all, my client would like to preface this with a a very sincere "I love you, but you are being an incredibly acrimonious bitch."
My client believes that the reason why Mrs. Wannardi is bringing up the penis size thing (as she did once before when she suspected (unsubstantiated, of course) my client of having an affair when in fact it was she who had a crush on a co-worker and felt guilty. These previous comments are meant to deflect her own guilt and blame onto my client for their drunken copulation on the night of 9/01/07 when no prophylactic was used during their (admittedly) extremely hot and lusty, yet careless sex on the beach on Martha's Vineyard after their friend Kevin's wedding.
My client would like to point out that it was your client, Mrs. Wannardi, who declared "To hell with it, do me!" when my client indicated that he did not have any protection on him. My client would like to stress that if she is nervous about the results of a possible pregnancy, the possible result of her and my client's recklesss behavior, she would do well to seek his allegiance, and not alienate my client.
On a final note, my client would like to remind your client that it is her turn to do the recycling this Tuesday.
Best regards,
Samuel Sinclair Assburger, Esq.
PS At this point, I think it would be apropos to cc all correspondence to I&CD Intoxication and Copulation Division to remain in congressional compliance.
Cc: I&CD Intoxication and Copulation Division
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September 23, 2007
To: Attorney for Steven Wannardi
From: Milton B. Hosenbacher Esq., attorney for Erin Wannardi
Re: I'm sorry, I am really scared
Dear Mr. Assburger,
As we are in the final week before the actual doctor's appointment, my client would like to pass along a very sincere apology for bringing up the penis size thing. She was feeling cornered, blamed and misunderstood and irrationlly lashed out. She would also like to say that it hurt a lot for your client to call my client an "acrimonious bitch". She suggests a romantic dinner and a nice hot bubble bath this evening to "reconnect".
She would also like to say thank you for the cute card and flowers that your client left my client this morning saying sorry for the "acrimonious bitch thing".
Best,
Milton Hosenbacher, Esq.
Cc: I&CD Intoxication and Copulation Division
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September 25, 2007
To: Milton Hosenbacher, Esquire, Attorney for Erin Wannardi
From: Samuel Sinclair Assburger, Esq., Attorney for Steven Wannardi
Re: You turn me on
Dear Mr. Hosenbacher,
My client would like you to pass along to your client how "incredibly hot and steamy" the evening of 9/24/07 was. He feels so much better that they are on the same page and together in this ordeal and looks forward to facing the future together as husband, wife, government agency and attorney. Or in the exact words of my client "one big happy fucking bureaucratic institutional family".
Good luck on the 30th!
Best Regards,
Samuel Assburger
Cc: I&CD Intoxication and Copulation Division
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September 30, 2007
To: Attorney for Erin Wannardi
From: Samuel Sinclair Assburger, Esq. Attorney for Steven Wannardi
Re: Oh shit..
Dear Mr Assburger,
Well, our greatest fears have been realized. My client Mrs. Wannardi ("wife"), was successfully impregnated on the evening of 9/01/07 by(presumably) Mr. Wannardi ("husband") and, in her words, is "shitting" her "pants". My client would like to know husband's reaction before making any decisions.
I feel that at this point all correspondence should be Cc'd to the office of the Bureau of Spousal Reproductive Notification (BRSN)to ensure that we are all in compliance with federal and state laws and ordinances that fall under the requirements of the Spousal Pregnancy Termination Notification Act(SPTNA) as spelled out in the landmark Supreme Court decision Limbaugh vs. Coulter.
I look forward to your reply.
Regards,
Milton Hosenbacher, Esq.
Cc: BRSN, Bureau of Spousal Reproductive Notification
I&CD Intoxication and Copulation Division
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October 2, 2007
To: Attorney for Erin Wannardi
From Samuel Sinclair Assburger, Attorney for Steven Wannardi
Re: Wow...Uuuhh...WOW...
Dear Mr. Hosenbacher
My client is fully supportive of whatever decision Mrs Wannardi ("wife") makes so long as it is in compliance with his wishes. He would like to express his happiness to see the pregnancy through to its conclusion --if wife would like, as he would like.
And of course all correspondence will be MOST DEFINITELY and without question be cc'd to the appropriate authorities at BRSN as well as I&CD.
On a final note, my client would like ask if your client is sure she is pregnant...He suggests it may simply be gas..
Best,
Sam Assburger,Esq.
Cc: BRSN, Bureau of Spousal Reproductive Notification
I&CD Intoxication and Copulation Division
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October 5, 2007
To: Sam Assburger
From: Milty Hosenbacher
Re: Don't put this on me...
Dear Sam,
Well, as you can imagine, my client is extremely distraught and would like to pose the next series of questions to husband to be considered and answered individually in a timely fashion.
---
1.) What about our trip to Italy we planned for a year?
2.) Do you think our apartment is big enough to house another person? And if not, where do you suggest we move in THIS housing market? QUEENS??
3.) If we have a baby, are you going to flake out or can I count on you?
4.)I couldn't take care of a pug named Rufus, how do you expect me to care for a fucking CHILD?? I ama freakling out and I am not sure that I want to go through with this!!
5.) Okay, I am not ready. Okay?
6.) I am thinking about terminating this pregnancy before it gets to far along. I don't want it. We are not financially ready nor emotionally prepared. And my corporate career will not survive the sacrifice I will need to make to raise this baby since the Supreme Court struck down the 12 week maternity leave provision! We cant afford a nanny!! Get it?
---
As I said, Sam, if husband could reply to this list of questions in a timely fashion that would be helpful.
Best,
Milt
PS It is my concerted opinion that from now on, we cc all correspondence to the appropriate federal authorities regarding reproduction, (intentional AND otherwise) Including the Intentional Reproduction Bureau(IRB) as well as the Unintentional Reproduction Bureau (URB).
Cc: BRSN, Bureau of Spousal Reproductive Notification,
IRB Intentional Reproduction Bureau, URB, Unintentional Reproduction Bureau, I&CD Intoxication and Copulation Division
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October 15, 2007
To: Attorney for Erin Wannardi
From Samuel Sinclair Assburger, Attorney for Steven Wannardi
RE: Termination Notification
Milt,
It is my duty to note that your client has no right-legal or otherwise-to terminate this pregnancy without consulting with my client.
It is my clients express opinion that wife adhere to the law of the land or he warns he will seek to prosecute her to the fullest extent of the law if she chooses to terminate this pregnancy without his notification.
Apologies for the extreme language, but please understand the day and age we live in. Accountability, morality, and christian ideals---or else.
Regards,
Sam
At this point, I feel that it is my duty to begin copying all correspondence to the Christian Broadcast Network, Focus on the Family, Christian Bible College, and the Republican National Committee
Cc: BRSN, Bureau of Spousal Reproductive Notification,
IRB Intentional Reproduction Bureau, URB, Unintentional Reproduction Bureau, I&CD Intoxication and Copulation Division,CBN Christian Broadcast Network, Focus on the Family, CBC Christian Bible College, RNC Republican National Committee
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October 20, 2007
To: Sam Assburger
From: Milty Hosenbacher
Re: Ex sqeeze me?
Sam,
It is my client's opinion that your client stick the law straight up his ass.
Regards,
Milt
Cc: BRSN, Bureau of Spousal Reproductive Notification,
IRB Intentional Reproduction Bureau, URB, Unintentional Reproduction Bureau, I&CD Intoxication and Copulation Division,CBN Christian Broadcast Network, Focus on the Family, CBC Christian Bible College, RNC Republican National Committee Bureau, I&CD Intoxication and Copulation Division
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November 24, 2007
To: Samuel Sinclair Assburger
From: Milton Hosenbacher
Re: Erin Wannari's bail
Dear Sam,
Happy Thankskgiving! Sorry to have fallen so ot of touch for the last few weeks. Also apologies that your client's bail was set at such a high amount. Now that fetus' are considered fully fledged human beings with all rights an dprivileges thereof thanks to the latest Supreme ruling, Mrs Wannardi is being held for 1st Degree murder as well as violating the BRSN Act.
I know that she is Jewish, but do you think she might consider converting? I have heard that the judge in this case is especially forgiving if you are of the Christian faith. She wouldn't have any Italian blood would she??
Just a suggestion.
Best regards to you and yours in ths holiday time.
Milt
Cc: BRSN, Bureau of Spousal Reproductive Notification,
IRB Intentional Reproduction Bureau, URB, Unintentional Reproduction Bureau, I&CD Intoxication and Copulation Division,CBN Christian Broadcast Network, Focus on the Family, CBC Christian Bible College, RNC Republican National Committee