WASHINGTON, DC - Senate lawmakers today debated a measure to ensure the smooth and efficient operation of the nation's government in the event of an attack by flesh-eating zombies. The current draft of the contingency plan calls for mandatory state elections within 45 days of an attack in which at least 100 members of Congress have been devoured and/or transformed into undead monsters.
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) spoke to reporters outside the Senate chamber, saying, "In the event of a catastrophic attack by terrorists, we know our nation's government would be sound. But can you imagine if a bunch of highly infectious, superhumanly strong undead zombies got in here?" Frist, a licensed physician, shook his head slowly. "I would only pray that there's still room enough in Hell for everyone until this legislative body can finalize its plans."
Frist bristled at one reporter's suggestion that other Senate business, such as judicial appointments and budgetary legislation, might be suffering from a lack of attention. "I'll tell you what will get your attention, sir, and that's a groaning corpse gnawing on your leg. Judicial appointments do not keep me awake at night, and neither does budgetary nonsense. But I tell you, once you start thinking hard about having to hack your Senate colleagues into pieces with a machete just to keep them from drinking your blood, you'll be having nightmares too." Senator Frist shuddered and mopped his pale brow, admitting that he had not slept in four days.
"This issue has broad bipartisan support," said Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT) in a speech from the Senate floor, "Nobody wants to think about tough decisions, life-or-death decisions, especially in an election year. But I think it says a lot about the seriousness of the Senate leadership that they would say, 'Stop the train, we need to deal with something.'" Other senators nervously nodded their agreement. Among other provisions in the bill under consideration are the addition of heavy steel security doors over all capitol building entrances and exits, a relaxation of current weapons-carry rules that would permit each member of Congress one personal sawed-off shotgun, and an amendment that would replace current C-SPAN camera emplacements in Senate chambers with sniper nests.
Not everyone on the Democratic side of the aisle was getting on board, however, as Senators Ted Kennedy (D-MA) and Barbara Boxer (D-CA) rose to protest that the Senate "should not discriminate" against those whose legal personhood status is as yet unclear. "We've declared that the unborn are now persons with legal rights and protections," said an angry Hillary Clinton (D-NY), "but what about the undead? Just because the color of one's skin may be a pallid gray and falling off in chunks doesn't mean you can't participate in government. Zombies might not be capable of debating the issues, but that hasn't stopped the Republican Party from controlling the Senate agenda. If a zombie can run fast enough to chase down Don Nickles, she or he can raise a rotting hand to vote on the Senate floor."
"No one had any idea that commercial airliners could be used as weapons, right?" asked Senator Sam Brownback (R-KS) in an ad hoc press conference outside a briefing room where the Senate Appropriations Committee was rumored to be screening the film "Mars Attacks." "Well, wrong, because Tom Clancy wrote a novel about it years ago. Only in the book, the airplane crashed into a joint session of Congress. We're determined not to get caught flat-footed again."
Aides to Senate Assistant Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) confirmed that the Senate leadership was drafting a series of plans to deal proactively with a wide array of scenarios, calling it part of the "war on terror". Plans to be considered in the coming weeks include emergency plans for bioterror attacks, asteroid impacts, enormous earthquakes, rampaging dinosaurs, and invasions by space aliens.