Conservatives believe in lower taxes; liberals believe in [social responsibility]. We want few regulations; they want more [effective environmental regulations]. Conservatives measure the effectiveness of government programs by results; liberals measure the effectiveness of government programs by [results]. We believe in curbing the size of government [except when it comes to personal freedom, privacy and certain liberties that we believe should be regulated by the government]; they believe in expanding the size of government [to a point that it can convict corporate criminals, environmental scofflaws and war profiteers].
Conservatives believe in making America a less litigious society; liberals believe in making America a more litigious society [and by litigious, in this case, I mean 'fair']. We believe in accountability and parental choice in education; they do [too.] Conservatives believe in advancing what Pope John Paul II called a "culture of life" [though, I should add, we believe in the this "culture of life" selectively. For example, we believe that Terri Schiavo should have lived off a feeding tube until she died a so-called natural death, but the countless dead Iraqis, we don't so much care about their "culture" or their "life." And don't get me started on the death penalty! Remember that "culture of life" thing I mentioned earlier? We should come up with a new name for that. How about "Karl Rove's Wacky Spinning Wheel of Quasi-Morally-Justified Bloodlust?"]; liberals believe there is an absolute unlimited right to [freedom, except when it violates someone else's freedom].
But perhaps the most important difference between conservatives and liberals can be found in the area of national security. Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and [incompetently] prepared for war [against the wrong country]; liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare [for war in Afghanistan] and also prepare indictments and offer understanding for [different cultures and different ideas]. In the wake of 9/11, conservatives believed it was time to [become completely incompetent and unjustifiably] unleash the might and power of the United States military against [Iraq]; in the wake of 9/11, liberals believed it was time to submit a petition [to the president to find out why he lied about the justifications for the war in Iraq, torture, and war profiteering by the former company of Vice President Cheney]. I am not joking [!] [Dick Cheney is a criminal.] Submitting a petition is precisely what Moveon.org did. It was a petition imploring the powers that be" to "use moderation and restraint in responding to the terrorist attacks against the United States," [which, I might add, is a reasonable request, seeing as how we flew off the handle with Iraq, who by the way, harbored almost zero terrorists until we invaded.]
I don't know about you, but moderation and restraint is not what I felt as I watched the Twin Towers crumble to the earth; [what I felt was the overwhelming need to twist this tragic event into something I could use for personal and political gain]; a side of the Pentagon destroyed; and almost 3,000 of our fellow citizens perish in flames and rubble [and I'm still dancing around on their graves, spewing ridiculously bad policy in their name. Hail Satan!]
Moderation and restraint is not what I felt [because I'm completely incompetent] -- and moderation and restraint is not what was called for [in battle. However, we could have used some when we drafted the Patriot Act, when we decided to go to war with a country that had nothing to do with 9/11, when we endorsed torture in our military prisons.] It was a moment to summon our national will -- and, [through our pseudo religious, faux compassionate, recklessly bloodthirsty, bullshit neocon policy, to incompetently] brandish steel [in places like Iraq where it's completely uncalled-for].
MoveOn.Org, Michael Moore and Howard Dean may not have agreed with this, [and] the American people [don't either -- see me after this speech while I flip through the recent poll numbers and openly weep].
Conservatives saw what happened to us on 9/11 and said: we will defeat our enemies. Liberals saw what happened to us and said: we must understand our enemies [so that we can defeat them more quickly, without attacking a country that had nothing to do with 9/11. We will understand our enemies so that we do not kill innocent people, like we did in Iraq. We will understand our enemies so that we do not spawn new enemies out of the rubble of our wildly incompetent foreign policy]. Conservatives see the United States as a great nation engaged in a noble cause; liberals see [a great nation engaged in a noble cause--but the also see what the Bush administration has done to the] United States and they see Nazi concentration camps, Soviet gulags, and the killing fields of Cambodia. [And that's where this country is headed, folks, if someone doesn't stop us. Please, God! Someone stop us!]