From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Bill Maher appeared to be channeling Kos Friday night...
New Rule: The people in America who are most in favor of the Iraq war must now go there and fight it. The Army missed its recruiting goal by 42% last month. More people joined the Michael Jackson Fan Club. "We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit." And now we need warm bodies. We need warm bodies like Paula Abdul needs...warm bodies.
... Now, I know you're thinking, `But Bill, I already do my part with the "Support Our Troops" magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe. How much more can one man give?' Well, here's an intriguing economic indicator. It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up? Do they hate America or just freedom in general?
And that goes for everybody who helped sell this war. You've got to go first. ... Ann Coulter, darling, trust me, you will love the Army. You think you make up shit... But mostly, we have to send Mr. And Mrs. Britney Spears. Because Britney once said, "We should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens." Okay, somebody has to die for that. Or at least go. ... And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline's face and fills his low-hanging trousers with dootie.
---Real Time, May 13
Yeah...that'd be kewl. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, May 18, 2005...
Note: C&J will be blasting rock in the back 40 this afternoon. Please expect some delays.
By the Numbers:
Days `til Memorial Day: 12
Days `til `Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith': ONE!!
Percent of favorable reviews for `Star Wars III' at Rottentomatoes.com: 84%
Bush's current approval rating: 43%
(Source: Pew Research Center)
Kos's current approval rating: 87%
(Source: We don't need no stinking source)
Percent of Americans who are satisfied with their job: 59%
Percent of Americans who think their job is a dead end: 33%
(Source: Harris Interactive)
Your Puppy Pic of the Day Remember, bitches and studs, to spend quality time with the kids. A public service message from this station and the Ad Council.
CHEERS to taking Uncle Sam behind the woodshed. British Minister of Parliament George Galloway may be guilty in the oil-for-Menthos mini-scandal---then again, maybe not---but he said things yesterday that our leaders damn well needed to hear (and without once looking at his notes). The money quote: "Senator [Norm Coleman], in everything I said about Iraq, I turned out to be right and you turned out to be wrong, and 100,000 people have paid with their lives--- 1,600 of them American soldiers sent to their deaths on a pack of lies." See, Democrats? That's how you do it.
JEERS to fingering the culprit, and finding out it's US. GOP hotheads have been screaming bloody murder at the "corrupt" U.N. because of the oil-for-food scandal. And yet, American corporate shenanigans accounted for over half of the kickbacks paid to Saddam's regime (link via Atrios). Mr. Speck...meet Mr. Log.
CHEERS to Steve Chapman. In today's must-read, the Chicago Tribune columnist says Republicans today sure aren't living up to their traditional ideals, and therein lies an opportunity for our side: "If Republicans want to take over as advocates of big, bossy, bloated government, the Democrats should be more than happy to trade places." With Effing pleasure.
JEERS to selective outrage. Let me get this straight. White House Press Secretary Scott "Lobotomies are Fun!" McClellan slams Newsweek for "hiding behind" an anonymous government source in its story on Koran abuse by guards at Guantanamo. His beef: it hurts America. But when Robert Novak "hid behind" an anonymous government source to blow the cover of a CIA operative a couple years ago---putting the lives of other agents at risk and hampering our efforts to keep WMDs out of terrorist hands---the silence was deafening. Uh oh...my extended middle finger seems to be locked in place (sorry, boss).
CHEERS to saving our pennies. Maine received a grade of "A" from the economic research group CFED based on our residents' net worth, savings, home ownership, and other barometers of financial health. Good...we'll need that Yankee thrift when Rumsfeld shuts down our military bases and we lose up to 12,000 jobs in the state. Yeah, we count everything.
JEERS to idiots in flight. Some bonehead jumped off the Eiffel Tower and fell to his death when his hidden parachute hit a snag. His last words: "Funny, this worked perfectly during my practice ju...."
CHEERS to edukashun. 153 years ago today, Massachusetts ruled that all school-age children must attend school. Crazy activist liberals---will they never stop?
CHEERS to lifting, separating, and sailing through. Airport security screeners can detect even the tiniest traces of metal, leading to frustration and embarrassing searches. Enter Bra-llelujah, the first all-hosiery bra that won't set off the alarms. I think women will enjoy it, too.
CHEERS to tears. Especially when they're caused by those sweet, sweet Vidalia onions. Enjoy `em while you can. Agllaghlalaghll...
C&J Flashback: May 18, 2004...
CHEERS to Earth's orbit. Day two of gay marriage and we're still floating in space on-schedule and on-axis. But my eczema's kickin' up again. Damn homos.
JEERS to silly gimmicks. French author Michel Thaler's latest book...wow...no verbs in 233 pages. Not interested. No way. Verbs important. Too important.
And just one more...
CHEERS to fond farewells. Tomorrow marks the last time we'll ever stand in line for the premiere of a Star Wars movie. Tonight we shall dine with old friends. May the fava beans be with you.
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless Testimonial:
"There's a beauty in our coming together, there's a beauty in our time together, and there's a beauty in Cheers and Jeers."
Brad Pitt in GQ
June Issue
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