Today in an unprecedented move, President Bush withdrew $7.1 billion in funding previously allocated for the United States Department of Health and Human Services to prepare for an Avian Flu pandemic.
"After being briefed by science teachers from Kansas and professors at Bob Jones University, it is clear that money should be used for purposes other than Avian Flu," stated President Bush in a press conference from the White House.
When asked for the reason behind the drastic withdrawal of healthcare funds...
...Bush launched into an explanation of mutation and its relation to evolution.
"As you know, in order for the bird flu to be spread from birds, I mean, from humans, to other people, or humans, the bird virus has to mistake, er, mutate. And mutate means EVOLVE. Evolving, and evolution, doesn't need to have any special funding. It's a theory, you know, just a theory. Scientists tell me there's no real scientific evidence that evolution happens, and I'm not going to throw away our taxpayers' hard earned dollars on theories, especially when the terrorists are working overtime to find ways to threaten our freedom each and every minute of each and every day."
President Bush referred all further questions to White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan.
Polarization was immediately apparent throughout the stunned international scientific and healthcare communities.
Dr. Thomas Gerdhaz, biology professor emeritus at University of Wisconsin at Madison, was informed of Bush's decision and asked for comment. He passionately replied,
"What does Bush think happens every year with the flu virii? Does he think that there's only been one flu virus in the universe since Eve ate the apple? Are they going to stop allowing flu vaccinations because of evolution?
Wait, this is a joke, right? Where are the hidden cameras? Did Dr. Derkowitz over in Chemistry put you up to this? Once I put a curse word in the middle of one of his manuscripts as a joke, and he's sworn he's going to get me back. Haha, good one, Derk."
Dr. Jeffrey Trowbridge, biology professor at Liberty College, lauded the President's decision:
"If the Avian Flu virus mutates so that humans can infect other humans, then it's completely clear the Divine Intelligence must have had a hand in creating such a dramatic change. The scientific community and especially the United States does not need to be making preparations to fight the Divine Creator's will."
Bill Nye, the Science Guy, was at a conference in Washington, D.C. when Bush made the pronouncement. Nye's comment was more succinct:
"Freaking morons. I wish they'd develop a vaccination against idiocy."
Mike Leavitt, Director of Health and Human Services, was apparently incensed by the surprise announcement. Insiders report Mr. Leavitt as saying, "For heaven's sake I'm a MORMON, and even I think THIS is crazy."
Scott McClellan could not be reached for comment, as he was purportedly locked in a supply closet beating his head against a wall.
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