Dear sweet merciful crap. Are we really going to go through this again?
So Bill O'Reilly, he of the infinite falafeled wisdom, is again beating the drum that Christmas is under attack. From who? Well, department stores. Yes, if there's one damn group in America that really, really hates Christmas, it's department stores, which make or break their yearly profits based on how profusely they can shovel cheap China-produced crap into America's Christmasy maw.
The starting gun for this year's valiant struggle, which will be conducted primarily within the confines of Bill O'Reilly's butt imprint on his Fox studios chair, was the release of John Gibson's new tubthumping screed The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought, which will no doubt join other conservative tomes such as "Liberals Hate Toast", "The Liberal Plot to Have Sex With Your Wife", and Ann Coulter's classic "I Hate Those G-ddamn Liberals So F--king Much That Blood Is Squirting From My Tear Ducts".
I can't wait to read Gibson's book, to see how it stacks up against the most famous warrior defending Christmas, noted anti-Semite Henry Ford:
And it has become pretty general. Last Christmas most people had a hard time finding Christmas cards that indicated in any way that Christmas commemorated Someone's Birth. Easter they will have the same difficulty in finding Easter cards that contain any suggestion that Easter commemorates a certain event. There will be rabbits and eggs and spring flowers, but a hint of the Resurrection will be hard to find. Now, all this begins with the designers of the cards.
The International Jew: The World's Foremost Problem
1921
Can't compete with that. But Gibson will try, no doubt. Still, since we've been battling the Semitic demons rallying to destroy Christmas for nearly a century, it seems we've managed to hold our own pretty well.
So O'Reilly says Christmas is under attack. In this case, it's because Sears and K-Mart say "Wish Book Holiday 2005". Of the
ten other department stores his hapless interns had to call,
nine used the word "Christmas" in their advertising, and the tenth "refused" to answer. This, then, is the shattered breach in the wall that is Christmas.
This is very, very important to O'Reilly. Of non-Christians, O'Reilly says "I don't believe most people who aren't Christian are offended by the words 'Merry Christmas.' I think those people are nuts." But of Christians, O'Reilly paints an image of a MadMaxian world gone, er, mad:
I think the backlash against stores that don't say "Merry Christmas" is enormous because now people are aware of the issue. There's going to be -- it's like the third or fourth year that we've reported it. I know everybody's hypersensitive about are they going to say "Merry Christmas"? Are they going to say "Happy Holidays"? What are they going to say? Are there decorations that say "Merry Christmas"? They're hypersensitive. And when you walk into a secular environment, most Christians are looking around, and they're really aware of it. Now, the other thing is, I don't believe most people who aren't Christian are offended by the words "Merry Christmas." I think those people are nuts. I think you're crazy if you're offended by the words "Merry Christmas."
Yes. Hypersensitive, indeed. It's hard to be a put-upon Christian in today's world, getting emotionally scarred by signs that say "Happy Holidays". The rest of you heathen shoppers can go suck it.
In fact, I've made a pledge this holiday season. If someone comes up to me and does not immediately say "Merry Christmas"... I'm going to punch them square in the nose, and yell "It's CHRISTMAS, GODDAMN IT, YOU F--KING GODDAMN SATANIST". Because if I don't shove the holiday spirit so far up your ass you're coughing up mistletoe, I won't consider it to be suitable celebration of Christ's birth.
Bill. Let's be honest here. Everyone in America, short of shut-ins and the ten desexed young lads tasked with washing James Dobson's feet, is laughing at you. You want to celebrate the spirit of Christmas? Start attacking Rudolph, Frosty, and the other godless heathen icons worshipped by the Santa-loving masses that insist on celebrating this joyous holiday with candy canes, pagan Christmas trees, and ten percent off imported electronic merchandise.
Or, better yet, shut up. Don't follow the footsteps of anti-Semites and white power groups. Don't see conspiracy in every hanging banner, or freak out because two out of twelve department stores slapped the words "Happy Holidays" in front of your face. Any Christmas where I'm not electrocuted by the damn cheap-ass disposable tree lights I consider a rousing success.
Christmas, Christianity, and America's fragile bonds to God will survive without you making hate speeches to enforce disciplines borrowed from midcentury white supremacist literature. Relax, and buy that Playstation. Your religion compels you to play Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six, and blow the heads off of people threatening your digital way of life.
The rest of us will be fine.