Y'know, I went downtown to watch the Veteran's Day Parade. I live in a fairly small town filled with working class North Cali hicks-like myself-so we all seem to know each other or know each others families or have just crossed paths in some form or another. That in itself can be kind of depressing:).
I wore my "Marines" shirt, just to boast I suppose, or maybe just to show some solidarity. Ooorraahhh!:)
Y'know I kept getting this rather disturbing feeling about it all; You've fellows like myself, once upon a time young but no longer so, and who are rather cynical about most things in life but have learned to keep quiet about it, since we have learned long ago how to put on an act of being normal, though I suspect we are perfectly aware that we are not.
And younger men, trying to catch up on their youth who are still too insane to figure that they too, are as insane as the rest of us are. I'm envious of their stupidity and total lack of self awareness. They look great, young still, even as life is being sucked out of them, as they beat thier heads against the door of life unaware that if they would just stop for a moment, the door might open by itself. It definately brings back memories....
And still younger men-and women- who are no longer young, whom I gaze at with complete astonishment and I have to put forth a great deal of effort to remember that I too, was once young, that I was once as they are now. I am also confident that anything I may say to them won't register, as I am a man from another planet for them, since once I was the same as they are now , what almost seems a thousand years back and perhaps even in another life. I too, once had an unlined face, no gray hairs, and an unbridled enthusiasm about life. Anything I might say will be concieved as bullshit, because it was all said to me before by someone else and I considered it bullshit back then too.
And we are called "Veterans"......
I think every face I saw and word I heard today disturbed me, it just began to bite at me. Last year, it was the same old faces with a lot of younger ones, the same old words slightly modified to adapt to our current times. I just suddenly realized I didn't like any of this affair.
I think us older fellows really sort of hate each other, as if we are reminders of bad dreams or some sort of long forgotten embarrassment to each other. I guess it's understandable, who the fuck wants to be reminded of piss, fear and youthfull stupidity?
And this is what the young ones have to look forward to? This is it?
I went home, turned on the tube and watched John Wayne go win another fuckin' war. Gawd, what bullshit.
I peeled off my "Marines" shirt and proceeded to toss it into a corner of my bedroom but then I stopped. Instead I folded it neatly and placed in back into my dresser drawer, out of respect for better men-or at least maybe wiser men-than myself.
I started cleaning house, not that it particulairly needed it but it's a good way to kill time. It was ok until I realized how much I hate the fuckin' house I live in anyway, something about the place is contemptable like everything else seems to be today.
Instead I shut the windows, darkened the place up as I do often and sat in the middle of the front room. Staring at the walls may not be healthy but some days-like today-I could give a shit less.
Y'know, I often wonder what my life would have been if I had done things differently. Does my soul bear a mark I can't see nor even understand? Am I a little more insane than I realize? Do people see me as insane and I can't see it? Are we all this way, we "Veterans"?
It's times like this I really want to run and hide, not that it would do any good, since that mocking fucking voice would still be there, making me wonder why I wasted a fair amount of life like a dog chasing his tail. I really wonder about that some days.....
And this is one scenerio those young kids have to look forward to?