It seems there's a bit of a tiff over what is and isn't judicial misconduct going down over on the
Alito Deck. Meanwhile, Frank Lautenberg has gone and cracked a bottle of Jaeger over a busboy's head and is
waving it around at the Platinum Card folks in the Lapdance Lounge. And some feisty lady named SusanG is doing a great
Norma Rae in the Ballroom. I'm sure three Kossaks just broke off some table legs and hailed a cab for the Capitol Brewery. And -GASP- some neighborly Republicans have been calling Hunter a meanie!
Seems to me, we got us some vim and vigor happening. Most important, and none too late, we have some motivated Congress-type individuals on one side of the aisle who dun had enuf and realize the magnitude of the situation. And who grasp its tone and manner. Looks like time for some helpful hints. And, we ain't talking Marquis of Queensbury here.
After the jump: First, the executive summary version from chuggnutt. Then, the wise words of one Ragnar Benson, Man of Action, Accidental Political Strategist....
How to Win a Barfight
Most state laws stipulate that you may use sufficient force to stop the attack, but you may not deliver any sort of punitive retribution to your attacker. Knowing this may save you a costly trip to court.
1. Attack the most sensitive areas of your opponent: eyes, groin, knee, and throat. Stay close; if your opponent is large he will need room to hit you.
2. Attack repeatedly and be efficient. Make fast, repeated blows to any or all sensitive areas.
3. If necessary, use a weapon. Choices include telephones, pens, bottles, books, beer mugs, coffee cups, and keys.
4. Protect yourself from additional attackers by fighting with your back to (but not up against) a corner or wall.
Seem harsh? If so, you haven't been watching closely enough. But bear with me--we're speaking in metaphorical terms for the most part. And hey, I get MBAs misquoting Sun Tzu and William Wallace at me all day long, and they don't exactly storm a phalanx of Samurai woolies after every Thursday's Chamber breakfast meeting.
Ragnar Benson is something of a legendary author on survival skills and the dark art of things naughty, covert, guerilla and/or generally helpful when caught in a pinch. Or, when trying to put others in a pinch. In watching Harry Reid drive pole, it's good to see some others begin to draft in behind him, recovering or just discovering the truth that it feels much better to pro-act rather than react. Liberalism is and always has been, by necessity, a muscular and brave pursuit, at least when it shuts up about wonkery long enough to realize no bare knuckles means no butter, and, no guns pointed in useful directions for a change.
Now, Harry Reid was a boxer. A short wiry one, and therefore spunky and cagey by necessity. As the saying goes, Chance favors the prepared.
::
It's been about 20 years since the Lee Atwaters, Newt Gingriches, Richard Viguries, David Keenes and, of course, Karl Rove popped onto the scene with their brand of sucker punch. Somehow, somwhere along the way, the Christo-traditionalists got crystal-meth vicious and we Democrats got flabby chasing professional "credentials" and "facilitating" things. The door was open for Newtie with his Language of Control, and for Luntz with his Dial-a-matic rage-diviner. They "got" the brain and how it perceives, and votes. They knew it wasn't a rational organ. And that it responded best, fastest and most loyally to it's four prime directives:
[image scaled, view in new window to read clearly]
The Four F's of the R-Complex. The most senior, powerful, and least sophisticated of our little grey mush helmet. Yeah, it likes fights. And thinks debaters are dweebs. It's totally irrational. Prone to fights. Greedy and melodramatic and big on sorting folks into tribes. Perfect Republican material.
And they worked the hell out of it as supposedly nerdly-bookish Democrats--who should know this stuff--spun in circles looking for the "kick me" sign. It was a fun game for them. They had a new whiffle bat to beat the bleeding hearts--those reality-based-community-rationalist-bleeding-hearts. Until...
With momentary flashes of cagey, Clinton came along and totally short-circuited their game plan. We saw how they reacted to that. They accused him of being a politician. (The rest is boring at this point, but illustrative.)
Then came 2000 and Roger Stone and a cast of miscreants in Brooks Brothers and Old Spice. It was like watching your kid brother get his ass beat. And deserving it for leading with his chin. And again. And again. Then, the depths of despair, when Bob Shrum, Brazile and other shameless nameless gave us last year's Kerry campaign--gave new meaning to tone deaf and situational un-awareness. Another ass-whipping borne of ordering milk in a biker bar disguised as a country club.
Well, this week's senate shutdown was Harry and Dick Durbin making their own opportunity. They were cold-cocking a noisy, belligerent drunk. This one, these ones, this time, drunk on power and pure imaginings of bulletproofness.
Harry and Dick were handling the room. They were bar-fighting. And I, for one, have not been so proud to cheer an ass-whipping since, well, never.
I'll leave the rest up to Benson. But, as you read, look for the parallels in behaviours, of both the sensible protagonist, and the wildly incoherent. There's lesson's here--ones like Harry and Dick's, arriving not a minute to soon. And--special bonus!--this parable not only applies to politics, it might save somebody some real teeth some day.
Ragnar's Action Encyclopedia of Practical Knowledge and Proven Techniques pp: 355-60.
Because sane, reasonable people do not generally get into bar fights, there is a real dearth of experts with actual experience who can provide valid instruction. It's the hen-and-egg syndrome: only macho nuts get into very many bar fights and who wants to take instruction from a nut?
Since very few smart people voluntarily get into bar fights, it is significant that the few who do agree on critical points. Peyton Quinn and Marc "Animal" MacYoung are two men who, between them, have survived dozens of brawls.
You just know that they are giving us the real goods when you read their books. For instance, the first 17 pages of Quinn's "A Bouncer's Guide to Barroom Brawling" provide the following succinct advice about how to stay out of a bar fight: if you suspect a fight is imminent, get out of there!
"It is never worth the price you will have to pay to duke it out with a stranger. Those who get into bar fights always end up in jail? in court, in hospitals, and maybe in the graveyard. Not worth it to prove one long lost macho point," Quinn says. And he is the guy who is most likely to win a bar fight.
Absolutely the best way to win a brawl is to not get into it, both Quinn and MacYoung agree. This advice based on the concept that the best way to counter a blow is not to be there when it arrives.
[snip]
There are many points to learn from this account, the greatest being that experts don't get into bare-knuckle bar fights. So why do people get into bar fights when experts who have been there before agree that running is wise? Again, the experts agree.
Bar fights occur because macho people who are confident of themselves and their life-styles are not paying proper attention. Bullies tend to attack newcomers who seem self-satisfied and comfortable with situations that these insecure bullies believe should be perceived as threatening. If somebody is not obviously threatened, they are liable to lash out.
Lash out? Angry at others who are at ease with situations that confuse or freak the bully out? Over-compensation, I think it's called. And over-kill becomes less abstract a term.
Remember the martial arts guru who said the best way to avoid a blow is not to be there when it arrives? It is wise to avoid places where fights might happen, rather than prove a point and get into one. Women's libbers who believe they have a right to go wherever they please whenever they please are especially guilty. They fail to realize that even tough, streetwise men avoid some joints.....
How do you know if you are in a situation likely to degenerate into a fight? If, for some reason, you must remain in questionable circumstances, you must be extremely aware of everything going on around you. Saloon warriors are unable to set up a confrontation without telegraphing some very real clues.
Some experts refer to a potential troublemaker as a "hard eye." Those who accurately assess their personal potential for a barroom brawl continually scan the scene for hard eyes. After identifying active potentials, they begin monitoring body posture, facial expressions, and hand movements. "Always watch the hands," successful brawlers advise. There may be knives, sticks, guns, and even signs of tension and anguish indicating that mentally these fighters have got themselves into a corner that might be skillfully opened. The awareness skills of those who have survived a couple of barroom confrontations become very well developed.
Different experts have worked out various methods of trying to defuse tense situations. Some use humor; some just go over to the hard eye and BS with him a bit. Others play up to the guy's ego, allowing him to boil down slowly and calmly, the same way he boiled up. Huge amounts of self-confidence and alertness are required to make these ploys work.
Seasoned barroom bouncers report that many fights flare up over women. Some are actually instigated by women who want to see their men get tough. One expert says that when he is approached by a sodden brawler who wants to fight over his woman, he always apologizes and says she may be the most beautiful woman in the world but he doesn't know because he left his glasses back at the bar.
No matter how one does it, effective bar brawlers are alert to potential trouble and quick to think of some way to allow pressure to escape harmlessly. All agree that guys with these skills really win big in bar fights. On the other hand, male or female, one should never get in a fight for a friend. Their problems should always stay their own.
Movies notwithstanding, bar fights are always concluded in two to five seconds. As a general rule, the first punch, which is often a sucker punch calculated to blindside its victim, settles the matter. This is another reason experienced brawlers watch the other guy's hands. They cannot take the chance of falling victim to a quick sucker punch.
Experts advise that many signals will be sent by macho wackos before they attack, if you are but alert. When these signals come in, watch the hands, show no fear, and react calmly. One very experienced bar fighter, who has cracked dozens of heads, likes to look the hard eye in the eye and tell him, "I think I am going to be sick and puke all over everything." Another often-used device is to go berserk. Some of us can do this much better than others, but between the two everyone can either play sick or play crazy. Whatever you do, don't take your eyes from the other guy's hands. If he is also watching your hands, this character may already have survived several bar fights. No permanent damage may have resulted, or the guy may be a pro acting like just another barfly.
[snip]
Experts advise, however, that if it becomes apparent that you absolutely must fight, you should do so with great intensity and determination for the five seconds' duration.
Don't hesitate to land the first blow, but make it a really good one and then follow up instantly with additional blows. Once the guy starts down, save your hands and kick him vigorously. Don't let him get up and make trouble again. This is not a sporting contest; the object is survival with the least possible damage.
Mike Tyson once broke his first in a bar fight. Use open hands to deliver blows; they are less likely to break that way. A good shot to the opponent's head usually decides the contest, but heads are tougher than hands. In this regard, a quick, hard forehand to an opponent's nose is often decisive.
No matter what level of martial arts training you have, never kick above the waist. Bar fights are usually dirty, messy close-in affairs. Fighters used to battling at a distance usually find themselves on the ground pummeled by a size 12, especially if prior training has been some form of martial arts that does its work from a distance.
Be forewarned that 99 percent of the first shots a belligerent will try will be either a right roundhouse to the head, a right upper cut, or a knee to the nuts. The last of these three is especially common, but even novices who have never been in a bar fight before are on guard for a crotch shot.
No single sucker punch will be effective in even 40 percent of bar fights. It can only be said with certainty that blazing initial speed and the probability of a shot to the head will usually carry the day. Along with not foolishly waiting for an antagonist to take the first shot, bar fighters practice balanced twisting or dodging, evasive movements calculated to avoid or block sucker punches.
Often these are done in conjunction with a counterstroke. Mashing your right hand into a guy's chin, as his initial blow passes harmlessly under your armpit, is an excellent example.
A shot to the nose can be followed up by a quick knee to the groin. But remember, no crotch shots on the initial comeout, and no kicks above the waist. Expend maximum energy. Do not allow the fight to last past a few seconds. The longer it lasts, the more likely you are to get hurt.
One expert, after clubbing his attacker down with a telephone, noted that it is wise to use whatever weapon is available. Bar fighting is not honorable or sporting.
Although you should always be alert so that it doesn't happen, grappling or double-teaming may lead to your being grabbed from behind. In this instance only, your response should be a bit canned. Immediately snap the head back sharply against the nose, ear, or eye of the grabber before he can get in tight and close. Drop down and either chop at his nuts or sharply grab a leg. This is also effective against a head lock.
Experienced bouncers can deal successfully with a large assembly of antagonists, all of whom are intent on beating your brains out. The trick here is to bloody one or two of the assembling attackers quickly and viciously before they get organized. If possible, quickly hit another one as well. As a result, no one will wish to step up and become the next victim.
Marc MacYoung summarized all this very succinctly when he noted that "self-defense isn't fighting; it is awareness. Everything else is just details."
But always recall that famous line in the song "The Gambler" with its admonishment to know when to walk away, know when to run! Successful fighters always claim that in 100 percent of the cases, it is best to walk away and, if that doesn't work, run!
BIBLIOGRAPHY
MacYoung, Marc "Animal." Cheap Shots, Ambushes, and Other Lessons. Boulder, CO: Paladin Press, 1989.
Quinn, Peyton. A Bouncer's Guide to Barroom Brawling. Boulder, CO: Paladin Press, 1990.
That last bolded paragraph is especially poignant and ironic as Mr. Rove contemplates his future, if not his tactics.
As always, don't try this at home, kids. Save it for the Hill.