Newsflash!...Since last night's news reports from stations in the far-east saying that emergency phone centers were being overwhelmed with missing persons alerts, the phenomenon has swept wesward overnight, evidently following the rising sun. England, by then already anticipating, was struck soon after midnight EST and Africa, according to widespread though rudimentary cell-phone emergency services, has also experienced the advancing phenomenon.
It is now noon here in New York and continuous contact with emergency services personnel indicate that there may be a slight uptick in missing persons reports here in America but that the data will require statistical analysis. Experts are now suggesting that the effect must be rapidly communicable (given its geographic advance) and has therefore been stopped by the Atlantic Ocean. American volunteers are being sought to fly eastwards while maintaining radio contact. A large number of volunteers will be necessary as the ratio of east-asian population to missing persons has been estimated at 50,000 to one. You should regard this broadcast as an appeal to volunteer. No training will be necessary and Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff has issued an appeal and a declaration that all who survive the mission will be awarded the Congressional Gold Medal of Honor, after ---TBD--- years of quarantine. Those who, sadly, do not survive will receive, in absentia, the coveted Medal of Freedom and their survivors will receive a personal tour of the White House.
The Reverends Falwell and Robertson have jointly announced that the lack of American transportees is an indication of God's extra-special rewards which are yet to come. We await these exciting developments. Meanwhile, we will continue to report on the impending Rapture in America.