I don't know why I subscribe to The Note. Every morning, right around 10:15 AM, it crashes into my inbox, pixels of pretentiousness, bytes of blowhardity, links of laugh-out-loud-you-didn't-really-just-f'ing-write-that-did-you?!
It comes, and I just shake my head. I know that I'm going to click on it and I know that I'm going to waste fifteen minutes reading it and I know that I'm neither going to be richer of mind or wholer of spirit for having done so. Those fifteen minutes could have been spent, you know, actually working or, more likely, playing Tetris. (Personalized Google Homepage, holla!)
But here's the thing about me- I'm a champion. A doer. Mr. Above and Beyond. As such, I'm no longer content to simply waste 15 minutes reading The Note. No, it's time to waste an hour, hour and a half, maybe even two hours. So, for all you smart enough not to subscribe to The Note, here's what you're missing out on...
The Note: Test Cases
Fortunate Cookies
Washington, April 20th
This actually impresses me. I can't come up with a good pun before at least after 2pm. The Note knocks out Fortunate Cookies before the sun comes up. See, because Bush is meeting with Chinese President Hu. And you get fortune cookies with chinese food. See? Funny!
I think the fortunate also refers to the relative calm in the wake of the Scotty firing and Rove demotion. But it could refer to the fact that we'll be fortunate if Hu doesn't just karate chop Bush in the neck and take over America before lunch.
Sure, China has north of a billion people and the very future of America depends on President Bush's visit with Mr. Hu. (Insert Abbott and Costello joke here.)
But The Note can't be expected to focus on the future of the nation when we have superficia with which to concern ourselves.
I'm something of an expert when it comes to overstating one's own importance while also realizing the trivialness of pretty much your very existence but, man, The Note just puts my self-agrandizing to shame.
or those left in the White House communications operation (and that includes you, Josh Bolten, whether you like it or not), what lessons are there to be drawn from the coverage of yesterday's test run, as you unfurl more elements of your turn-the-page-for-all-to-see "shake-up"?
News organizations whose coverage did NOT call it a "shake-up" or "part of a shake-up": The Washington Times.
News organizations whose coverage did call it a "shake up" or "part of a shake-up": Everyone else.
Opening lines from morning television reports: GMA: "This certainly is a dramatic change for Karl Rove." Today: ""White House shuffle." Early Show: "Big-time staff changes at the White House."
Most negative takes on Rove's situation: "The change. . . was widely interpreted in Washington as a step down in stature for Mr. Rove and an acknowledgment of policy failures in the last year," in the New York Times. LINK; "Shift Leaves Grand Ambitions in a Ditch," Washington Post headline after the jump. LINK; "Karl Rove bit off more than he could chew," courtesy of the Associated Press. LINK
Most positive takes on Rove's situation: "People familiar with White House operations said Rove still would be the key voice on determining the president's travel schedule and message, and they predicted that Rove personally would help raise funds for congressional candidates," in the Los Angeles Times. LINK; "Rove probably will remain one of the most influential voices in the White House," the Washington Post. LINK; "President Bush continued his midterm staff shuffle yesterday," the Washington Times (which played it on A3). ". . . calling it a shakeup might be too much -- all of the slots that have been filled were with people already in the administration, and White House officials said Mr. Rove remains as important as ever." LINK; and the upbeat Fox & Friends banter emphasized that Rove's move is "most definitely not a demotion." The deputy chief of staff was bogging down "the vision guy" with "too much paperwork."
Best supportive metaphor: "People have been watching this TV series for a long time, and it helps to plug in some new characters from time to time," said Bush political adviser Mark McKinnon. "Gets folks to tune back in and take a fresh look," he said to the Washington Post.
These stories remind me of that commerical where the pirate is being interviewed for an office job ("and all you can say is arrrgh?"). There's a tacit acknowledgement in most of the media coverage around Rove's "demotion," that, really, it's not that big of a deal because it's not really what Rove is all about anyway.
They all know what Rove is and what Rove does, so the media just shrugs. Oh shit, you mean he's not going to spend anymore time reading about the budget for Veteran's Affairs and standing in line to use the copier? Good.
Rove's time is better spent jamming phones, swiftboating babies, and mobilizing legions of religious fanatics to hurl stones and the occasional ballot inniative at gays.
Sometimes, a pirate is just a pirate.
As for Scotty the cabin boy, well, no one really cared too much to write much about him.
And then, like a white squall (last pirate metaphor... probably), The Note starts getting crazy:
Before it ossifies into a version of history suitable for the history books or this Sunday's public affairs shows, let's get some facts straight:
1. Given how split the Republicans Party is on the issue in Washington and around the country, the current state of how immigration legislation is doing on Capitol Hill, under Rove's direction, is a huge incremental win, rather than a failure. (Recall the twisting, stop-start process that yielded President Bush's legislative victories on tax cuts, No Child Left Behind, and the Medicare law, and the media's sky-is-falling coverage of those storylines.)
The state of immigration lesislation is a HUGE WIN! Suck it Kossaks and, you know, rational people everywhere. Just like "victories" on tax cuts, No Child Left Behind, and Medicare!?
When I read things like this, I wonder if this is the section they let the intern write.
Seriously Note, how are those victories working out for the country? Wait, sorry, The Note can't be "expected to focus on the future of the nation when we have superficia with which to concern ourselves."
Oh, but it goes on:
2. Rove was not in charge of preparing for Hurricane Katrina (failure), but he has played a large role in the intergovernmental coordination of the aftermath (which has gone well, by some accounts).
Setting aside the idiotic analysis of "by some accounts," holy jazz, can you imagine if Karl HAD been in charge of preparing for Hurricane Katrina?
My money is on Karl hovering above the hurricane in a helicopter dropping bibles and direct-mail leaflets declaring that "Hillary wants to gay your babies and eat your food." Those who aren't killed by the eight pound books flying all over the city at 100 mph have everything they need to become a thriving member of the Republican party.
3. Congressional Republican criticism of the White House for its failed Social Security push falls into four categories: they started too early; they started too late; they pushed it too much; they didn't push it enough.
The Note stole this from my girlfriend's diary. The Note just changed the context. It was originally titled "Why I cry after everytime I make love with him."
Gov. Romney (R-MA) makes an announcement regarding abstinence education at 11:00 am ET in Boston, MA.
Gov. Schwarzenegger (R-CA) holds a 1:00 pm ET press conference after completing a tabletop exercise simulating a disaster in Mather, CA
If the tabletop disaster plan does not include Arnold landing a Harrier jet on top of something and rescuing his daughter, I'm going to be seriously disappointed.
I'm no fan of Arnold, but it really does demonstrate how much cooler my Governor is than yours. Sure, if you get sick, you get better because you have state-wide health insurance. However, if my family in California gets sick, I know that my Governor is going to single handedly stop that outbreak of deadly virus by breaking into the lab where it was created to get the anti-virus. Most likely by having sex with the leggy female research assistant. You just can't do that if you're running around talking about abstinence education.
The DNC's Rules & Bylaws Committee is scheduled to meet at 1:00 pm ET to begin hearing presentations from the 10 states that would like to be considered for a pre-window nomination contest in 2008. Sen. Blanche Lincoln (D-AR) and Rep. Jim Clyburn (D-SC) will each be helping their respective states make their pitches with an in-person appearance. Gov. Napolitano (D-AZ) and Rep. Grijalva (D-AZ) are expected to appear via teleconference to make Arizona's pitch for an early slot. And we'll be able to determine if Nevada can best expectations with its presentation.
I mention this only to highlight the fact that we have a US Senator named Blanche. I didn't know this. And it is awesome. Maude for president!
At 11:00 am ET, DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff and Julie Myers of ICE hold a news conference on immigration enforcement strategy and the results of Wednesday's nationwide enforcement operation.
Let us hope that part of their enforcement strategy includes doing a nationwide enforcement operation on days other than Wednesday.
Roving responsibilities:
Mary Matalin on GMA: This is a "refocusing of what Karl Rove does best." He's "back on the pitcher's mound."
And America is back to catching. And of course "catching" is slang for getting fucked in the ass.
"The shift of Mr. Rove out of his second-term role as deputy chief of staff for policy could help address a separate problem: concern that White House policies too often are perceived as partisan and divisive," per the delusional Wall Street Journal.
And The Note redeems itself!
Rumsfeld rumblings:
The Boston Globe writes up the military blogosphere's reaction to all of the Rumsfeld rumblings.
And then loses me when they start writing about Donny's irritable bowels. What? That's not what it's about?! I'm both happy and disappointed.
The AFL-CIO has identified Minnesota, Michigan, Ohio, and Pennsylvania as the four most important states in 2004 based on union density, key 2006 contests, and their importance in 2008.
The AFL-CIO believes there are 21 gubernatorial races, 15 Senate races, and 42 House seats (in 22 states) in play.
AFL-CIO is the elderly relative who incessently comments on how nice the weather is today or how the potato salad needs more pepper. Masters of the obvious, no longer able to do a damn thing about it. Silly grandpa.
Dean's Democrats:
Democrats wielding crowbars and shovels descend upon New Orleans for the Democratic National Committee meeting in a political maneuver designed to highlight the party's dissatisfaction with the Bush administration by combining party business with community service, reports the AP's Sidoti.
I get it, I really do, but come on! Crowbars and shovels! You think Democrats are soft on security? Lax on immigration? Weak on crime? Just wait until you get your ass beat by a libral with a crowbar. We'll even dig your grave. Seriously, we have shovels. See? Sorry America, that's tough love. Vote Democrat.
Asked if he has ruled out running for public office again, Dean said he has ruled it out for 2008 but that he hasn't ruled it out altogether for the future.
This is just money. Ho-ward Dean in twenty-sixteen! It even rhymes.
2008: Republicans:
Bloomberg's Roger Simon scores with a perception-shattering piece on how McCain's biggest issue might morph into his greatest liability: LINK
"The real barrier to his ambitions may be his unswerving, unstinting and unnuanced support for an unpopular war in Iraq.
"His biggest issue might morph into his greatest liability?" Later, did his sweetest success become his most bitter disappointment? His greatest love become his greatest foe? His campaign's recipe for success become a recipe for disaster?
McCaaaaaaain!
The Boston Phoenix chronicles Gov. Mitt Romney's greatest political stumbles to date, digging up some quotes that suggest a certain lack of clarity on gay and abortion rights. Says the paper to the Republican Party: "Forewarned is forarmed."
His biggest stumble- His legislation denying gay male couples the right to an abortion.
2008: Democrats:
Campaign filings show former Virginia Gov. Mark Warner is raising significant money on Clinton's home turf of New York, reports the New York Post, as if no other Democrat would think of raising money there. Next thing you know, Virginians will denote to Senator Clinton!!!
These details are coming at the end of The Note, and you can probably tell that The Note is starting to get a little tired. The Note gets up early (or at least the interns do), so it's understandable. Still, that's no excuse for just making up nonsense.
I'd like to think that this is just a simple typing error (look around, you'll find plenty from me), but, also like me, the note is kind of full of itself. Be very aware, this is no accident. They've moved beyond simply capitilizing the word Note every sixty times they use it a day and are trying to branch out to take over other words. The nerve of the note is amason.
Asked about Sen. McCain's upcoming appearance at the Liberty University, Sen. Biden said, "I like John McCain a lot. He's a personal friend; I hope that when he goes down to Liberty University he uses the occasion to point out how he differs with them. I just hope John is John at Liberty University, not the guy that...I shouldn't even talk about this."
Joe Biden then went on to speak for another 45 minutes.
2006: New Orleans:
The Washington Post's Peter Whoriskey reports that to the "astonishment" of some who had assumed that Mayor Nagin's "missteps" and "post-Katrina despair" would doom his reelection bid, Nagin, the "laughingstock," is counted as a "front-runner" going into Saturday's vote.
The idea that anyone could be astonished that laughingstock elected officials who regularly engage in series of misteps, and project an image of dispair and ineptitude could be considered a front-runner, dispite massive public and private failures is, quiet frankly, astonishing.
Also, those people are dumb.
The Schwarzenegger Era:
Carla Marinucci of the San Francisco Chronicle discusses Gov. Schwarzenegger's (R-CA) attempts to distance himself from the President and writes that "the sharp words from California's Republican governor coming just before the president's arrival underscore the political tightrope Schwarzenegger must walk as he campaigns for re-election in November."
Again, Arnold just needs to land a Harrier jet on that metaphorical political tightrope.
Again, I demonstrate I have no grasp of how metaphors work or that I have any ability to discern fiction from reality.
Thankfully though, we've reached the end of the note.
Oh wait.
Political potpourri:
"The Republican-controlled state Senate voted in Nashville to unseat Democratic Sen. Ophelia Ford, agreeing that her 13-vote win in a September special election was tainted by questionable ballots from felons and dead voters," reports the Associated Press.
Looks like those 13 people Ford beat to death with the crowbar and burried with the shovel for her election victory died in vain.
Give it time though, democrats are new to this.
Matt