Long overlooked as the shocking Terry Schiavo case played out over the nation's airwaves, the American Academy of Fake Neurosurgery has weighed in with its verdict on Schiavo's condition. Dr. Barnard Rutabaga, head of the Fake Academy, held a startling press conference today.
"It is our educated and fake opinion that the living meat once known as Terry Schiavo can be rehabilitated and reeducated to rejoin society as a productive member."
He continued, to the silence of his stunned audience: "So I was reading the Washington Post this morning after chaining up my youngest, and I noticed the following,"
Some Democrats liken the Schiavo situation to debates over gun control, in which a fiercely committed minority -- led in part by the National Rifle Association -- has thwarted legislation supported for years by most Americans.
"And then it struck me. The National Rifle Association has literally tens of thousands of members whose brains are nothing but fluid, and yet they've been operating at a relatively high level of mobility and versatility for years.
Not as high as, say, a mildly retarded Lemur, but for Republican meatsacks, it's a pretty big step."
The Doctor ran to feverishly consult with his colleagues at the Fake Academy. Retuning some minutes later, beaming and wiping blood and human hair off his hands the Doctor continued:
"After consulting with Dr. Randolph Beetroot of the Princeton institute of Republican vivisection I have indeed confirmed that a strict regimen of marksmanship and NRA philosophy can indeed lend the semblance of life to even the most fluid-packed of vegetable brains."
Citing the case of one patient known as: "Ted Nugent", he explains: "Nugent actually died in the early 70s - his brain is completely dissolved - but through some circumstance his arrogant machismo exposed to atrocious music coupled with the endless vibration of shotguns animates his retarded flesh."
To a cheering Republican audience, the Doctor concluded: "We plan on confining Terry to Nugent's ranch for extended gunplay and intense NRA literature readings.
With any luck - and the grace of warrior Jesus who splits infidels with his sword of vengeance - we will finally prove that no vegetative state is vegetative enough to prevent someone from living as a Republican in this great country."