A Fake Recorded Broadcast from St. Peter's square:
To all our children joined in dignity under God,
As a servant of God, I regret to inform you that Pope John Paul II has only recently slipped into a coma that the doctors say is utterly irreversible. His brain activity has ceased and his body is beginning to atrophy as we speak. Therefore, I now have the intensely erotic but entirely non-sexual (thank you Jesus) pleasure of presenting to the world the result of 15 years of secret Vatican scientific research.
My holy children. Nothing can be more dignified than the preservation of life in its final stages. We recently released the statement that no man has the right to unplug a human being like an appliance; therefore it logically falls upon the Vatican alone to assume the right to develop that selfsame appliance. We call it "The Appliance". Watch in holy terror of God's will as our recently-afflicted Pope is inserted into The Appliance.
The faithful will rejoice to watch as the tracheotomy hole so recently closed is gently torn open by the "Oxygen Delivery Proboscis". Kneel, and utter a prayer to Merciful Virgin Mary who watches over our Pontiff while our "Blessed Communion Tubules" tear into the tender flesh of our Holy Father. That horrible noise you hear is The Appliance removing his blood and replacing it with our "Viscous Hyper-Nutrient Preserving Solution", which will disseminate carefully created chemical compounds though the Pope's Sanctified flesh. These chemicals will then be bombarded by our blessed "Penetrative Hard Radiation Isotope Ray", as The Appliance's nuclear power supply is inserted.
Choirs of innocent, pure, nubile boy children all over the word are singing "Hosannsas" in a completely non-erotic way as the combination of ionizing radiations, blood replacement and atomic power re-animate the body of our comatose Pope. Gaze in wonder as The Appliance projects the vocalized thoughts of re-animated brain of the pope.
No, my children, don't flee! His pleas for a merciful death are a result of his confusion at his Ab-Dead state. Of course, he will have to get used to being a neither-alive neither-dead monstrosity, but human development is the will of God. Scientific progress that prolongs life must be pursued. And were our Pope not driven mad by the damage done to his undead DNA by the re-animation process, he would certainly reach out with one atomic-powered hand and bless you all!
Remember, who are we to decide when to unplug a human body like an appliance? How can we be so presumptuous as to end the natural life of one of the Children of God.
No, Pope! Do not kill m-