Several comments on
a previous diary said Kossacks wanted to hear more about what a white guy raising a black kid has learned about race relations. I have a few more purely humorous stories that I'll relate later, but this morning I'd like to tell you all a little about one of the more disturbing refrains I've heard from people talking to me about my son. It comes from very well-intentioned white people who don't know they're being offensive.
Details on the flip.
First off, for those who didn't read the other diary, I'm a 30-year-old Whitey McWhite guy who married a white lady and we adopted a black boy at birth and then went on to make a white girl the old-fashioned way. Tyren turned 6 in January, and Madeline turned 5 two days later. We established with the kids' help several years ago that Tyren is brown, Maddie is yellow, Mommy is pink and Daddy is gray. I'm not sure what to think of my color designation, but I'll go with it.
Anyway. There are a million good things about having a multi-racial family, but every once in a while there's a look or a comment that rankles.
The well-intentioned but offensive comment that I'd like to talk about today comes in a number of forms in a number of contexts, but the basic gist every time is this:
"I'm glad my child knows your son. This kind of exposure will help my child learn not to be racist."
Like I said, well-intentioned. But I'm sure those of you with similar family situations to mine just felt your skin crawl. I'm sure you've heard similar things, too. The comment and the thought behind it are just wrong, wrong, wrong on so many levels:
- My son does not represent his race. Do not allow your child's view of the African-American culture to be shaped solely by the actions of one goofy six-year-old.
- My son does not represent his race. Please do not place the burden of teaching your child that black people are nice on my son. He has bad days when he's grumpy. I want him on his best behavior as much of the time as possible, but only because I want him to be a nice kid. Not because I want him to make a favorable impression of black people.
- My son is not a vaccine against racism. A vaccine is a harmless dose of a deadly virus. A doctor gives you exposure to the virus so that you'll be able to tolerate the virus later. I do not give your kids exposure to my son so that they'll be able to tolerate other black people later. He is not a "harmless" dose of blackness just because he was raised white.
- My son isn't even a good representation of black culture. He's raised by white people in rural Wisconsin. He eats cheese curd. He loves Star Wars. He has not been subjected to the economic disadvantages of many other people of color.
- The most important point: My son is not just a black kid. He is a kid. He is tall and muscular. He has huge feet. He is loud. He loves his sister more than anything in the world. He has an uncanny sense of direction. He loves to wrestle, and he wrestles hard with me but softly with smaller kids. He throws right-handed and bats left-handed. He has trouble with phonics. He could run Photoshop on my computer when he was 3. He is easily distracted. He is a natural-born comedian, which gets him in trouble at school once in a while. He can't fall asleep unless I rub his back, and when I sing to him he gets this smile that tells me he knows he's the most special boy ever born. He is my prince. And he is adopted and he is black. But don't you fucking dare ignore his life and his talents and his shortcomings just to pat me or yourself on the back for giving your kid "exposure" to a black person. Doing that makes my prince into your educational tool. It reduces him from a boy to a skin color, and that's as racist as it gets.