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SECTION ONE "My Road to Damascus" or "Why I Was Satan's Bitch and You Probably Still Are"
Paul had his road to Damascus. I had a night at the drive-in watching "Constantine" and "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." These movies challenged my absurdly rational, scientific, and secular-humanistic view about life, the universe and everything. I have had the weekend to contemplate and pray. I now have the glorious TRUTHTM which I must impart upon you, God's lost children.
On that fortuitous Friday night, an Angel of the Lord, Frenchy, visited me in a cloud of ethereal bong smoke, entered unto my black heart and bitch-slapped my unworthy soul into a penitent submission. Frenchy spake the TRUTHTM such that my eyes would be opened, my blasphemous heart cleansed, my chronic intellectual flatulence abated. I am now AWASH in the purifying and tingling ecstasy of the Almighty! I am marinating like a slab of meat in the sweet bodily fluids of Christ! All Praise to Him and to His Favored People, all 100 million of us!
I can only assume that many of you will be awestruck by my remarkable transmogrification into an
INTELLECTUAL INFANTRYMAN OF THE LORD. After all, just days ago, I was a loathsome sack of sin like each of you, a demon-possessed reprobate, prone to
"tolerance", "concern for the downtrodden", "unclean thoughts", "allowing my harlot of a wife to practice birth control and wear pants," not to mention
"abusing myself with a toilet plunger while gazing upon pictures of scantily clad HOTTIES" and
"voting Democratic."
Consider for a moment that I was raised Catholic, and my conversion to the True ChristianityTM is nothing short of miraculous. Yes, I have been granted the gift of Dominionist Faith, for which I am so undeserving, yet so thankful. And you too can receive this blessed gift of REVELATION, if you only have the Spiritual Nutsack to repent your perversions, vote Republican and tithe copiously. Blessed Be!
No doubt, Satan is playing a few of you unsaved plops of human excrement right now: your fingers nimbly pecking out seductive sorceries upon your drool-caked keyboards. You'd challenge me to employ my staggering intelligence to find "rational" explanations for my metamorphosis. You're probably typing "maybe it was just some loopy shit you were smoking, you fucking moron!" But I say to you "GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN!" I will no longer bow before the Effeminate Master of Mendacity or any of you, his abhorrent, reality-worshipping finger puppets. Praise and Glory!
Anyone familiar with my former, freedom-hating bloviations knows that I was once a nauseating and depressing freethinker. Many were drawn in by my ingenious devilry, seduced by my Hell-inspired eloquence. Know that I pray for each of you. May He in His unblemished Mercy grant you a conversion just like mine! Hallelujah!
I, like you, have habitually looked down my effete proboscis at the good, God-fearing people of this Mighty Republican Nation, the True ChristiansTM. I have attempted to seduce them down shadowy roads, to engage in such sinful practices as reading, thinking critically, placing things in historical context, or practicing what they preach.
The "me" of yesterday was foul. He would toss the Gideon's Bible down the laundry chute each time he visited the hotel where he met his Meth connection or where he'd bring teenage runaways to "know them." The "me" of yesterday would have preferred drilling holes in his teeth and sprinting naked down Main Street in Anchorage to defending the emergent flock of superior Christians such as those fine folk of East Waynesville Baptist Church in North Caroline. However, I am now of a different mind, and forsooth, I must come to their defense as you attempt to destroy them along with God's Constitution, which through His Revelation came to pass, regardless of how the "history books" or "mountains of conclusive evidence" may contradict the TRUTH. Oh Holy Night!
I have gone to great pains to verbalize a desire to be open-minded and reasonable. I have been steadfast in making that assertion. If you can claim to be as open-minded and reasonable as me, the following may very well SET YOU FREE! Open your heart to the facts. And by "facts" I mean TRUE FACTS, not the drivel you are spoon fed by the godless liberal media. Unless you'd rather spend all of eternity being disemboweled or having flaming Twinkies rammed up your nose on the desolated shores of the Lake of Fire. You have the gift of free will after all...
SECTION 2: "Incontrovertible Proof That True ChristiansTM Are Right" or "Why You Are Going Straight To Hell, You Godless Liberal Whore"
Subsection A. REAL PROOFTM THAT GOD DOES EXIST: Is it not a FACT that most human beings believe in one or another God? Further, is it not a FACT that over one billion believe in the One True Christian God? Any reasonable person must admit that there is only the remotest statistical probability that the believers are ALL wrong! Even those billions that believe in some other god are not "wrong" per se, merely beguiled by Satan. Some, He hasn't revealing Himself to yet because they can't read English, therefore, in their impertinence they do not DESERVE the revelation of His TRUTH. And God abides very few, aside from a smattering of token Papists, Kikes and Rag Heads, to live in this, His Great Nation! God, after all, believes in other gods too. Why else would the First Commandment be worded as such?
Atheists make the bizarre and arrogant claim that there is no evidence substantiating the existence of God, which is, of course, preposterous. One need only consider the following analogy to debunk such drivel. It is well documented that most people living near Loch Ness BELIEVE in the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. Now, we all know that the monster doesn't exist; we don't need EVIDENCE to prove that, because such a belief is ABSURD! Nevertheless, why do you think these Scottish monster worshippers, called "Nessies," have not prompted the emergence of naysayers called "A-Nessies?" Because, since the Loch Ness monster is not real, there is no REASON for A-Nessies to exist either. There are no "A-Santas", "A-Tooth Fairies", or "A-Easter Bunnies." That being said, why, if God does not exist, as the Loch Ness Monster, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny CLEARLY do not exist, is there such a beast as an Atheist? Because GOD IS REAL, which has a direct, causational relationship to the emergence of Atheism, not to mention the Democratic Party and witchcraft. Hosanna in the Highest!
Subsection B. REAL PROOFTM THAT GOD WANTS US TO KILL FAGS: On this issue, I can see why there might be some confusion. After all, Biblical references to sodomy are sparse, especially when compared to the thousands referencing treatment of the poor, the sick and the downtrodden. That, coupled with the fact that God invented the word "homosexual" only a few decades ago, and the literal translation of the Hebrew word ascribed to "homosexual" is more accurately ascribed to "male prostitute"...it's no wonder that some humanists seek to capitalize on the existence of "nuance" to breed further bewilderment among the faithful. Nevertheless, you need not have faith (as I do) to know that God Hates Fags and Wished Them Dead and Roasting on the Spit for All Eternity. You need only consider the irrefutable logic.
Regarding the claim that the Hebrew word for "male prostitute" does not mean "homosexual," I concede that not all homosexuals are necessarily male prostitutes, especially those that do not have carte blanche White House Press Room access. However, MOST male prostitutes are definitely splatterbacks, or CHOOSE to be for practical purposes. Is not a male prostitute the ONLY kind of prostitute that could engage in the forbidden delights of ass-fucking and reach around with other men? And even if some male prostitutes only serviced the dissatisfied wives of liberal men, why not then just use the word "prostitute?" After all, prostitutes of both sexes, proffering heterosexual-only services, are still committing a sin, yes? There are other prohibitions outlined in the Good Book which clearly identify white-bread "prostitution" as a sin. Well, the answer is obvious: because GOD INTENDED the term for "male prostitute" to imply hot man-on-man fudge-packing action, that's why!
And if you don't believe that, then consider the issue in strictly economic terms. Would not male prostitutes that offer only goods and services to half the population be driven out of the market by those that take it up the pooper as well? Organizational diversification is not a new concept, although the French would like you to believe that they invented it. Women clearly make up a minority of the male prostitution niche markets, considering women still willing to get married are good Christians, while most others, when not busy stealing men's jobs, can easily get it for free from non-Christians. The few remaining are dykes. And finally, since God invented free-market capitalism (to battle the godless hoards of communists, socialists and hippies), for which efficiency is sacrosanct, would God not have been efficient with his choice of words? If one word would have sufficed, He would have REVEALED one word! If you are still having difficulty with that concept, kindly revisit "Subsection A" above.
That being said, some of you may still be wondering about all those OTHER prohibitions that we find in the Good Book, and why they do not get equal play. This leads me to the next topic.
Subsection C. REAL PROOFTM THAT GOD WANTS CHRISTIANS TO GET SOME BALLS, TAKE BACK THE U.S. GOVERNMENT, AND KILL PEOPLE OTHER THAN FAGS: The reason that the hundreds of other biblical prohibitions outlined in the Old and New Testaments do not get equal play by True ChristiansTM is not so much a reflection of their hypocrisy as it is incontrovertible proof that secular-Satanists, activist judges, lesbian feminists and the Hellbound Hollywood elite are conspiring to repress the True Christian Community of FaithTM. False ChristiansTM are equally culpable, due to an obvious misinterpretation of Christ's ACTUAL message and a misguided love affair with modernism and tolerance. Further, secular-Satanists and False ChristiansTM alike make the erroneous assertions that the freedom-inspiring forces of nationalism and patriotism are in some way malevolent, that there is a down side to war, and that the Bush Administration's policies are naughty or against most Christians' best-interests.
By developing and enforcing a complicated web of man-made "laws" and illusory abstractions such as habeas corpus, select portions of the Bill of Rights, the filibuster, the right to "choose" baby killing, the separation of powers, the protection of the minority from the tyranny of the majority, and the alleged separation of church and state, the minions of Lucifer seek to prevent True ChristiansTM from obeying the Word as God intended. However, such is to be expected, since the whole lot of them will be first in line for stoning once the True ChristiansTM come to power and glory.
God's Will is clearly enumerated in the myriad prohibitions He wrote in the Good Book. Those prohibitions are not "guidelines," they are obligations - ALL OF THEM. Correct me if I'm wrong, but nowhere in the Bible is "Thou shalt..." followed soon after by "...if thou wisheth to.", "...if it wouldst not be too inconvenient for thee.", or "...unless thine conscience wouldst aggrieveth thou overmuch." No, God would not waste his time providing detailed lists of prohibitions, and the manner with which to torture or murder violators of said prohibitions, unless he intended True ChristiansTM to heed them. Duh.
Deuteronomy mandates stoning for a wide variety of sins, including a woman having premarital sex or being raped, to a child disobeying his parents or masturbating to the Price is Right, to a person eating penguin, to a witch turning a prince into a toad. False ChristiansTM would claim that Jesus repudiates these, which is, of course, utter nonsense. But let's assume, for the sake of argument, that it were true. Did Jesus not also demand that we give away all our earthly possessions? How much sense would that make? I don't see John Kerry or Elton John calling out True ChristiansTM for that. Who would we give it to? Are we not also bound to bring the Good Word to non-Christians everywhere? It seems pretty foolish to give all our stuff to people who would then have to turn around and give it all away as soon as they were SAVED, but maybe that's just me. This might work in a socialist society, but it doesn't work for God's society.
Further, these rules were apparently good enough for people for three millennia before Christ. How can anyone in their right mind claim that God's followers were all committing atrocious "sins," many for which the "sinner" would be subject to the death penalty (according to today's so-called "modern" standards of jurisprudence)? Especially when God specifically TOLD THEM TO?
And since it is obviously not true that Jesus in some way nullified these rules, let's consider for a moment what Jesus actually said, "Let ye who is free from sin cast the first stone." He did not say "Cast ye not the stones." He was establishing parameters, nothing more. After all, if there WERE a person without sin, would that person NOT be obligated to cast the first stone, as Jesus commanded? Further, once the first stone was cast, would not subsequent stones be a moot point, thereby freeing True ChristiansTM to continue hurling boulders until the guilty party was mashed into paste? It is clear that True ChristiansTM only wish to do what God demands of them, which, like it or not, happens to require a shit load of stoning.
Further, anyone who knows anything about the Bible knows that God, in his Infinite Wisdom, has created this Nation specifically to carry out his Divine Will, through his servant, George W. Bush. It is impossible to dispute that this is a Christian Nation. Does the Star of David or the Fat'n'Happy Buddha or the Moon of Islam adorn countless hilltops, billboards, or bumper stickers across this great land? Do the words "In Ra We Trust" appear on our currency? Do our children robotically drone "...one nation, under Zeus..." every morning in public school? Nope. This is God's Country. Get used to it.
Further, he DESIGNED our Nation in His image. Some of you may cite the Treaty of Tripoli, Article 11 in response, "...the government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion." But, this is a tired and hypocritical drum you beat. Everyone knows that this Treaty was the brainchild of John Adams, who just so happened to bring us the "Aliens and Sedition Act." This Act was not well liked by the hippies back in the day, because it looked not unlike the "Patriot Act" of today. So take your pick hypocrites, you can't have the Treaty of Tripoli without the Patriot Act. And then let's talk about John Adams a little more: he wore tights and a wig and couldn't keep his uppity wife in line. He didn't even drive. Enough said.
Yes, with our massive military reach, our God-fearing leadership, and our ability to disregard the pesky technicalities and "conventional wisdom" underlying international diplomacy, we are ideally suited to follow His example. God, after all, is a veritable KILLING MACHINE when he gets His panties in a bunch; and not in a "sniper" way, more like a "Russians gassing a theater" way. And if He is not above drowning little children and unborn babies to make a point, than why should we be?
Hosea 13:16 states, "The people of Samaria must bear their guilt, because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open."
And don't even start on the "seeming contradiction" between that passage and our obligation to constitutionally ban abortion. Some things, ONLY God has the power to do. If we continue to allow women to do things only God can do, pretty soon, they'll be thinking they have some right to vote, control their own destinies, or infiltrate governing bodies in direct proportion to their percentage of the overall population.
Subsection D) CONCLUSION: The evidence is incontrovertible. God demands that True ChristiansTM take back His Great Nation. It was founded through the blood, sweat and tears of white, land-owning, Protestant settlers who managed their nigger property with skill, just as God commanded. It was hickory-smoked in the plumes of witch-ash carried on New England breezes (before Satan took the whole area over), just as God commanded. It was carried in small-pox infested blankets: "God's Littlest Army," clearing the land of godless and inconvenient natives, just as God commanded.
We've gotten so far from those glorious days of old. Some things may never be what they once were. Some women will probably still speak in church. Some men will probably still enter unto each other. Some priests will probably keep plenty of Snickers bars in their pockets. But just because someone still defies God's Will doesn't make it right. And it CERTAINLY doesn't mean we shouldn't STONE them straight to HELL. Amen!
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