Hello all you patients out in radio land. Nurse Cratchett here with another installment of the Dr. Frist Medicine Show. Dr. Bill is waiting to take your calls. OK doctor, we have Katy on the line, she's calling from Wisconsin. Go ahead Katy.
Caller: Hi Dr Bill and Nurse Cratchett, I'm a little nervous, I've never called a phone in diagnosis show before.
Frist: That's OK Katy, just take it slowly. Tell me what your symptoms are.
Caller: Well, a week ago my right arm swelled up to the size of a sofa cushion. It's turned red, and it itches.
more. . .
Frist: Katy, I think you are probably having an allergic reaction to something. I can't say what, of course, but I recommend five or six hundred CCs of self-injected adrenaline compounds. Now, you're in Wisconsin, so I have to caution you to get real American adrenaline compound and not that cheap Canadian rotgut from across the border.
Cratchett: Next up we have Bill calling from Washington State.
Frist: Hi Bill, How are you tonight?
Caller: Well, doctor, I'm not feeling too great. Actually. . .
Frist: Never mind that, now. Are you calling from King County by any chance?
Caller: Why, yes I am.
Frist: In that case I suggest you take two bottles of Draino and stay out of the voting booth. Who's next Nurse Cratchett?
Cratchett: We have an Arlen calling from Pennsylvania, doctor. Go ahead Arlen.
Caller: Hi there. My problem is that my doctor has diagnosed brain cancer. He says it's treatable with chemotherapy and radiation, but I want to get your opinion.
Frist: It's always a good idea to get a second opinion Arlen. Now, tell me here, do you have health insurance?
Caller: No, I recently became unemployed.
Frist: In that case, your doctor doesn't know what he's talking about. My recommendation is to drink a lot of water, and stay out of the sun. That will put you right.
Caller: Thank you doctor, I feel so much better now.
Cratchett: We have Barbara on the line. Barbara?
Caller: Yes Dr. Frist. My father died last week. While the hearse was driving the casket to the cemetery, a giant buzz saw broke loose from a sawmill and sliced the car, the casket, and my father's body in two! A circus parade was passing, and one half of the body was trampled by the elephants, while the other half was torn to shreds by wild dogs. I want to know, should we give up on my father or is there still hope? We vote Republican.
Frist: There's always hope Barbara. Nothing that a little good ole American duct tape won't set right. If any wicked nasty people tell you otherwise, you just contact my office in the Senate and we'll pass something to help you out.
Cratchett: Next is Marianne, calling on a cell phone. Go ahead. Marianne? Are you there? I think we may have lost the connection.
Frist: That's ok, Nurse, I don't have to talk to her. She's certainly not in a vegetative state, and I can tell that she's a healthy and happy person. Nothing but happiness ahead for her and her family. You can count on it, `cause I'm a doctor and I know these things.