College Republicans to Replace Bomb-Sniffing Dogs
August 11th 2005
By: kilgoretrout
Washington-
Reports had circulated inside the Beltway that the Pentagon had begun drafting members of the organization College Republicans for service in Iraq specifically for the task of sniffing for explosive devices. In a press conference on Capital Hill today, Republican National Committee Chairman Ken Mehlmen confirmed those rumors," Yes, as of July 1st 2005 we began our enlistment from the College Republicans. In fact, our first group has nearly completed training and is nearing deployment. This is a great day to be a College Republican."
As several branches of the Armed Forces have experienced recruiting woes, senior Pentagon staff members have been hard pressed to find alternatives to the volunteer army. "We certainly can't reinstate a general draft with the 2006 elections on the horizon and we are definitely meeting severe recruiting resistance from members of the community who say they don't want their sons and daughters killed" says Brookings Institute analyst Rob Temer. " You could say the Pentagon is between a rock and hard spot."
With the announcement of the College Republican Draft, Department of Defense officials are pleased that they may have found a way to counter the escalating violence in Iraq. Defense Secretary Rumsfeld was pleased with the announcement, " Here we have committed supporters of freedom and democracy finally getting to contribute to the good work we're doing in Iraq."
Everyone is not so happy about the decision. College Republican spokesman Fred Barber admits this may damper campus recruitment." Well, ever since the draft rumors started, our summer membership numbers are definitely down. With this official announcement, our Fall Freedom recruitment will most likely suffer a bit."
Some have questioned the ethics of allowing College Republicans to be trained in bomb detection and detonation. Ever since World War I, dogs have usually been the ones sent out to search for mines and explosives. But with this new tactic comes new ethical questions. "It's not as if College Republicans can think for themselves enough to refuse," says political strategist Mary Beth Cahill, " They've been trained to do whatever they're told by higher ranking republicans. I think it brings up the whole issue of Informed Consent and I think that brings up some moral and ethical problems. Plus, what are we going to do with all the old bomb dogs?"
College republicans across the country are displeased with the decision. "Our power is in our ability to spread the truth about how the Democrats have tried to tear this country apart. And we also make sure people know how Operation Iraqi Freedom is essential to America's safety and prosperity," say Bradley Mortenson of the Vanderbilt College Republicans. "I don't want to actually go to Iraq. Do you know how hot it is over there?" Fellow member, William Shades remarked," Yeah supposedly they can't drink over there either. Screw that." He added, " But, I wonder if they'd let me take my new Hummer?"