From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Bill Maher's New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer (currently #8 on the New York Times bestseller list) is perfect summertime reading. You can finish it during an afternoon at the beach, an evening on the deck, or several horrifying hours locked overnight inside a meat freezer. A few timely morsels...
NEW RULE: Skip the truck. President Bush is down on the ranch, and we all know what that means---lots of pictures of him in that pickup truck, as if he's going into town to pick up a bale of hay. Okay, we get it. You're a "rancher." You're "clearing brush." You're a "Washington outsider." You're a huge country fan. Unfortunately, that country is Saudi Arabia.
NEW RULE: God is a waffler. Pat Robertson said God told him that Iraq would be a bloody disaster. But the same God told George Bush it wouldn't, which so surprised Robertson, he almost dropped the pennies he was stealing off a dead woman's eyes. But why is God talking out of two sides of his mouth? Flip-flop. God told us to beat our swords into plowshares. God: Wrong on defense, wrong for America.
NEW RULE: News organizations have to stop using the phrase "We go beyond the headlines." That's your job, dummy. You don't see American Airlines saying "We land our jets on the runway!"
P.S. Al Rodgers---he of the brilliant Sunday morning talk show roundup here at Daily Kos---informs us that Maher returns to `Real Time' on Friday. The guest lineup includes Chris Rock and, from a ditch in Crawford, Cindy Sheehan. But don't expect Bush to make a surprise appearance. By the time the show starts, he'll have been asleep for 2 hours, dreaming of zoom-zoomy tricycles and candy-striped chain saws.
Cheers and Jeers sets the VCR in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Note: Rush Limbaugh is a curious fellow and sometimes I sense that he's not playing it entirely on the level.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til Labor Day: 20
Number of surveillance cameras in public places in Britain: 4 million
Number of times the average British commuter has his or her photo snapped per day: 300
(Source: Washington Post via The Week magazine)
Percent of Americans who say investing in real estate now is a wise move: 47%
Percent who plan to build their own home when they make their next housing move: 30%
(Source: Parade)
The last time the Westbrook, Maine Little League team went to the Little League World Series: 1951 (they'll be kicking ass again on Saturday.)
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Nose-to-Nose. Lovely.
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CHEERS to towel snapping the tender GOoPer buttock. (via Raw Story) A coalition of groups demanding honesty in government starts a powerful ad campaign tomorrow, including one that shows some famous dogtags that will never hang around their owners' necks. College-age Republicans are expected to protest this assault on their demonstrable cowardice loudly...from the safety of their bedrooms. Or, as we like to call it, "The Yellow Zone."
JEERS to missing the deadline. Using the "my dog ate it" defense, leaders in Iraq defied direct orders from their American occupiers and missed their deadline for producing a constitution. Who do they think they are...an independent sovereign country? I say we should double invade their ass.
JEERS to Butfirst-ocracy. Animator par snarkcellence Mark Fiore goes through the depressingly frustratingly endless vicious cycle in Iraq in a minute flat. Reality may take just a tad longer. While we're waiting, pass the Bacardi.
CHEERS to riding the rails. 107 years ago today, in 1898, Edwin Prescott patented his design for a "roller coaster." It was followed the next day by a patent for "Ye Olde Vomit Scoop."
JEERS to crocodile tears. Did you see this maudlin article in Newsweek? It says George W. Bush has met with relatives of 297 servicemen and women killed in Iraq, and he---sobbity sob sob---feels their pain. Despite this White House-orchestrated bit of pabulum, the question Cindy Sheehan so eloquently asks still goes unanswered: "What, exactly, is the noble cause for which these kids have been dying, Mr. President?" Maybe he can pop over and tell her himself during his next trike ride. Squeakysqueakysqueaky...
P.S. Oh Newsweek...why drinkest thou from the trough of Kool-Aid?
CHEERS to George Clooney. Good buzz is, um, buzzing over his second directorial feature, Good Night. And Good luck. Michael at Americablog describes it as a " smart, entertaining look at the showdown between the fear-mongering Sen. Joe McCarthy (seen only in vintage news clips) and crusading journalist Edward R. Murrow (a great, controlled David Strathairn)." Oh my, if McCarthy fan Ann Coulter sees it, she may go batshit crazy. Oops...too late.
JEERS to September 10th, 2001. That's what it feels like, now that the TSA is considering relaxing security rules to allow ice picks, throwing stars and---I kid you not---bows and arrows on domestic flights. But they are absolutely positively drawing the line at flame throwers---those things could poke an eye out.
JEERS to "music" from the meadows. A California air-quality agency says that cows in the San Joaquin Valley are responsible for the smog there. The 2½ million cows apparently fart and burp like there's no tomorrow. Dairy farmers will now have to install pollution-control gizmos. In other news, the stock price of Acme Corks, Inc. shot up 40% yesterday.
JEERS to overstraining. On August 16, 1977, while going poopies, 42 year-old Elvis Presley's heart exploded and he died at 3:30 p.m. Tonight we add a new ingredient to our cocktail: Metamucil. Pay your hunka hunka burnin' respects here, darlin' Thankyuhvrrrmuch...
CHEERS to The Pointed One. Madonna turns 47 today. And I believe I speak for everyone when I say: please retire the lingerie---you're scaring the children.
JEERS to common cents. Robert Zukowski of North Dakota tried to pay a traffic ticket by hauling in a garbage can containing $120 in pennies. The judge sent the guy to a bank and made him stand there while all 12,000 pennies were counted. And, we hope, flicked at his head.
CHEERS to C&J kind of evenings. Last night Kossack Poli Sigh and her partner, David came over from New Hampshire for en evening of pizza and dog wrestling. Where the hell were you??
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C&J Flashback: August 16, 2004...
CHEERS to classy broads. Teresa Heinz Kerry confronts Bush protestors and...and...and...she's nice. Digby has the scoop. And the last time Laura Bush spoke to a Democrat protestor was...? I know---stupid question.
CHEERS to bloody fools. Nigel Roder becomes England's first court jester since 1649. Tony Blair was tired of multi-tasking.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to my hometown (Mt. Vernon, Ohio) queero. "Funnyman Paul Lynde snuck a daily dose of queerness into Middle America while the Fab 5 and Will and Grace were in diapers." So says the ad for "Center Square" by Joe Florenski and Steve Wilson, the first Lynde biography since he died 23 years ago. A few Squares zingers to commemorate the release...
Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes?
Paul Lynde: When your house is surrounded by the police.
Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on!
Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?
Paul Lynde: I'd call him "darling"!
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today
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Today's Shameless testimonial
"The issue of religion has been over-emphasized. We are not drafting a constitution for America. We are drafting a constitution for Cheers and Jeers. And the majority of Iraqis cheer and jeer. And the majority of those are serious, practicing cheerers and jeerers."
Mowafak al-Rubaie, Iraqi national security adviser
8/15/05
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