I read an
article in the NYT that really depressed me. It reports that a huge chunk of ivy league women plan to leave their jobs (they all plan to go to law school) when they have children.
The article kept me up last night. I figure it might be cathartic for me to try to explain why.
First a disclaimer. I went back to work as a partner in a law firm when my son was 4 months old. I had no choice. My ex-husband had problems with substance abuse and I was the steady income. But even so, the decision to combine work and mothering was right for me and for my son, and if you ever met us and sat down to hear about those early years you would agree.
So maybe the biggest problem I have with the girls of the ivy league is that they all have no doubt that staying at home with your child is the only way. Says one freshman, with the arrogance of a smart young teen:
I've seen the difference between kids who did have their mother stay at home and kids who didn't, and it's kind of like an obvious difference when you look at it
So where do they get the view that staying home is the only way to go? From their stay at home moms, of course.
For most of the young women who responded to e-mail questions, a major factor shaping their attitudes seemed to be their experience with their own mothers, about three out of five of whom did not work at all, took several years off or worked only part time.
"My stepmom's very proud of my choice because it makes her feel more valuable," said Kellie Zesch, a Texan who graduated from the University of North Carolina two years ago and who said that once she had children, she intended to stay home for at least five years and then consider working part time. "It justified it to her, that I don't look down on her for not having a career."
Sorry, but I can't help a bit of editorializing here. Stay at home mom with chip on shoulder about whether her existence is "justified" must convey to child that choice she made is the only choice available.
Note to mom: I have never begrudged you your choice, and I don't measure people's value by whether and how much they worked. Your choice may have been perfectly right for you, and you certainly have a smart child to show for it. But did you have to close her mind as to the possibilities available to her?
Here's what another of the stay at home moms thinks:
"I do have this bias that the parents can do it best," she said. "I see a lot of women in their 30's who have full-time nannies, and I just question if their kids are getting the best."
I am sure you do, I am sure you do.
There is a lot more I could get riled up about here. But I am gonna stick to the mommy wars.
To you moms of the ivy league daughters I say: thanks for nothing. This was all about choices and possibilities for girls. You were free to make a choice, but because of your doubts and uncertainties, you have convinced your girls it was the only one.
I have to return to my experience here, since this is ultimately about the possibility of combining work and family. My kid is a great kid. His life was enriched by some wonderful caregivers who exposed him to different ideas and ways of being. He had a mom who loved him and devoted a great deal of creative energy to his nurturing and development. I have many friends whose children are remarkably gifted, and loving and talented, the children of successful and hard working moms.
There is of course a wrinkle here. Our children were the children of financially well-off and well-educated moms. We had a wide array of choices for child care. But so do the girls in the survey. For them to claim there is only one right path open is nothing more than drinking mommy's koolaid.
When my friends and I were working moms we used to demand accomodations in the workplace to allow us to be better parents. I used to look senior partners and even judges in the eye and say: "I can't stay past 4:30. I have to go get my son." I believe they respected me for it, and that I was entitled to respect. I felt that what I was doing made the work envorinment a better place in the long run for parents and children. I was proud to be working for positive change.
Do todays privileged girls want to make the world a more accomodating place for women seeking to balance family and careers?
Let's ask Ms. Ku another privileged daughter of a stay at home mom:
Ms. Ku added that she did not think it was a problem that women usually do most of the work raising kids."I accept things how they are," she said. "I don't mind the status quo. I don't see why I have to go against it."
After all, she added, those roles got her where she is.
"It worked so well for me," she said, "and I don't see in my life why it wouldn't work."
Sigh. It did not work. I don't feel better.