It's called the "Democratic" Party, and I'm throwing it - under the bus, in the garbage, out the window.
You could say I'm making a citizen's arrest - charging the party with Obstruction of Justice (refusing to hold the Bush Administration accountable), Misrepresentation (failing to represent the will of the American people, polls be damned), Fraud (not behaving as the Democratic Party should) and Testicular Absenteeism, which should be self-explanatory and require no parenthetical. Only Russ Feingold will escape these serious charges.
In its place will be a new Party - simply called The America Loves Freedom (ALF) Party. Clearly, starting a new party is as easy announcing your intention to do so, as evidenced by Politics 1's obscenely long list of American Political Parties that I had never heard of (including the U.S. Marijuana Party). In any event, ALF's foundational platform, and your chance to help build it, is over the bump.
The ALF Party will be built, at a minimum, on a 10-piece platform:
1. FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY: Balanced budgets will be required by law. If you can't tell which number is larger - the money you're making or the money you're spending - you are not welcome in the ALF Party. Instead, you'll be confined to the Republican Party. Pork projects will be punishable by public stoning.
2. RENEWABLE ENERGY: Solar, wind, hydro and poop power (don't laugh; it exists) will replace oil and gas. Renewable forms of energy will be made affordable by subsidy to homeowners.
3. EQUALITY: Women will make as much money as men in identical jobs (by law), gays will marry (and divorce), and all racial minorities will be represented at all levels of government.
4. UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE: Every American citizen will be covered, and employers will be required to participate at a minimum of 50%, regardless of the number of hours an employee works.
5. ENDING POVERTY: An additional 1% tax on all grocery items will go to stock food pantries and homeless shelters. Combined with other initiatives (fair housing, education, health care), poverty will be eradicated.
6. BORDER SECURITY: Of the 5 branches of the Armed Forces, the Coast Guard will receive the most funding. Since we won't be at war, the other 4 branches will be stationed at the most vulnerable parts of our borders.
7. INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY: Instead of bullying the world with threats of war, we'll endeavor to understand other cultures, respect their governments, and become a friend to world leaders.
8. FAIR HOUSING: No American, by law, will ever be required to pay more than 20% of their income for safe and livable housing conditions. If you make $3,000 a month, your housing will cost no more than $600 a month. Inclusionary zoning will ensure that you don't need to live in a crap part of town to afford a place to live.
9. EDUCATION: Teachers will be paid according to their importance in American society, dammit, and schools will be funded before anything else, including the military.
10. MINIMUM WAGE: $10/hour, minimum, and worker's wages will rise proportionate to that of the company CEO.
Additionally, the ALF Party will institute the following reforms to political procedure:
All elections will be held for 2 days, on Fridays and Saturdays. Failing to vote will result in a $50 fine, and will require a note from either your doctor or your mother.
Constitutional amendments will require a 75% popular vote to pass.
All national office holders (President, Senators, Representatives and Supreme Court Justices) will serve a 4-year term, with a two-term limit. Representatives will no longer have to start campaigning the day after they're elected.
All cabinet positions will be eliminated - especially the upper cabinets with all the expired cans of soup.
Any time Congress is deadlocked on an issue, the American people will break the tie through an online vote.
All political talk shows will be subject to an instant fact-checker. Televised political debates will also be fact-checked in real time, with results displayed on screen.
All campaigns will be publicly financed, with the exception of a $10 maximum personal donation per registered voter. No corporate financing will be allowed, and political action committees will be abolished by law.
Lobbying will be punishable by death.
So, Kossacks, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to address the following:
- What would you add to ALF's platform?
- Who would the ALF Party run in 2008?
- What other political changes would you make?
Thanks for playing...
Kossack "Rippe"
ALF Founder