"Somebody ain't been working out..."
(Pic courtesy of Bildungblog.)
Look, up in the sly! It's a debt! It's a deficit! It's the Decider!
There's no need to fear, the man of steal is here to save the day. The League of Extraordinary Rendition got a new member last Tuesday and it's the Decider. And in the Decider's maiden adventure, he cozied up to the head of a Communist state notable for its brutal suppression of dissent and human rights.
And then Bush (2, 5) turned into Super Bitch and gave us a geography lesson. If this administration had a theme song, it would either be Wagner's
Die Walkure (as sung by Elmer Fudd),
Yakkity Sax or that old Musical Chairs standby,
Ring Around the Rosie.
This week also saw more
resignations and shedding of
snake skin duties while the resignation that really
ought to take place is not, which only promises one very big stalemate even in the wake of
Ibrahim al-Jafari pulling a Tom DeLay and withdrawing his name for the nomination as Prime Minister.
Elsewhere, there be assclowns on this side of the vast ocean separating us from China, such as Dick Cheney (10, 6) for staying awake only long enough to get a nearly two million dollar tax return thanks to a Hurricane Katrina tax relief bill; Secretary of State Condi Rice (8), for leaking secrets to pro-Israel lobbyists; former Illinois Governor George Ryan (3) for stealing like Tom DeLay but thinking parochially and lastly, as promised, Michelle Malkin (1), for proving that being Republican means never having to say you're sorry. So follow Michelle's rats as they make their way out of the sinking
Titanic's steerage and much,
much more!
10) Dick Cheney
"Dad, why is the vice president so twisted and malformed?" "Evil, son. Sheer, unmitigated, crippling evil."
So did the money get lost on the way back to Cheney's couch cushions?
TaxProf relays a story first broken by a tax attorney. Apparently, a significant chunk of change of the Cheneys' $1,938,930 tax refund was made possible by a bill passed by Congress right after Hurricane Katrina. Essentially, the bill eradicates the 50% charity limit on your AGI (adjustable gross income) and it was called the Hurricane Katrina Tax Relief act. It was packaged, passed, signed into law while designed to make us think that it was supposed to aid Katrina victims when in fact it only aids already-wealthy individuals (although the White House's website goes to almost absurd and ridiculous lengths to "prove" that the Cheneys' nearly $2,000,000 tax return was "neutral" and didn't make them the real beneficiaries of this tax relief act whatsoever).
Now, doesn't this seem to be a running theme with this administration, that disaster brought about or not prevented by the administration somehow turns into a bonanza for Cheney, Cheney's "former" company Halliburton, the GOP and its base in general?
The Katrina Tax Relief Act, as with the bankruptcy and lobbyist reform bills, was actually the completely opposite of what its name suggests. The Katrina Tax Relief Act was never about helping the people stricken by Katrina in the Gulf coast region any more than the bankruptcy bill actually helps those in need of bankruptcy protection or that the lobbying reform bill actually limits lawmakers and lobbyists from doing the same old same old.
9) Randall Terry
Come to the polls for Randall Terry; stay for the bling!
To show you just how crass Republicans are these days, observe how Randall Terry has kicked off his state senatorial campaign in Florida's 8th congressional district. No, he's not #9 this week because he takes pot shots at his unnamed "liberal, left wing, Republican" (?!) straw man of an opponent "who is responsible for the death of Terri Schiavo." No, this self-described "Ronald Reagan Republican" makes the list for offering bling if you donate to his Society For Truth and Justice.
So any misspellings from here on in are the fault of Mr. Terry, since I'm still laughing too hard to be trusted near a keyboard.
Yeah, remember twenty-five years ago, when we eagerly unwrapped those Ginzu knives that we all got when we'd contributed to Ronald Reagan's campaign or the left-handed gripping pens from a grateful Bob Dole in '96? What is it with Florida Republicans and their shady products? When I look at this guy's offer I can't help but think of Katherine Harris's Celestial Drops scam.
8) Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice
"Shhhh! You want to get us both subpoenaed?"
Isn't it sad that the sets of The Sopranos and The DaVinci Code have better security and can keep a secret better than our own administration?
Condi Rice leaked classified defense information to two pro-Israel lobbyists, claims the lobbyists' lawyer. Here's the defense's strategy: "Defense lawyers are asking a judge to dismiss the charges because, among other things, they believe it seeks to criminalize the type of backchannel exchanges between government officials, lobbyists and the press that are part and parcel of how Washington works."
Yes, that's a direct quote from the article. Their lawyers, obviously having passed the bar exam at Tom DeLay-Dick Deguerin School of Law, are essentially saying, "Our government hasn't had a passing acquaintance with a principle in so long that we no longer know how to do things without the sleaze factor."
The galling thing is, they're right.
Of course, the federal prosecutors will have none of this hogwash and they're fighting fang and claw to keep their Condi from having to take the stand, especially after the news that now-fired CIA agent Mary McCarthy who'd leaked out sensitive information about our black prisons that resulted in a Pulitzer prize for journalist Dana Priest.
That ought to make Bill Bennett and the other Keyboard Kommandos cream their Brooks Brothers pants.
7) The Bush Administration
"Well, this isn't about intel anymore. This is about regime change." I beg to differ with the Bush administration. Intelligence never was an issue. Check this out: "The White House declined to respond to this charge, but Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has stated that (Iraq's foreign minister) Sabri was just one source and therefore not reliable."
So, Curveball was "reliable"... how? Chalabi was "reliable"... how?
Cherry-picking of intelligence is, unfortunately, an all-too-common practice among policy-makers who are bound and determined to retrofit the facts to the agenda. But when all the cherries are rotten to the pit it invariably results in a loss of human life and the destruction of careers, especially the careers of those who simply tried to do their job right.
6) Dick Cheney
Sure, Dick. You were just checking your eyelids for cracks. The funny thing is this cyborg can't even tell the truth about this.
Yeah, I suppose it is no coincidence that we haven't been attacked since 9/11.
This picture, to me, is emblematic of an administration that fell asleep at the switch in the days leading up to September 11th and then lied about snoozing on the job. This photograph, to me, is perfectly symbolic of the Bush-Cheney ticket that was completely out of it before, during and after Hurricane Katrina.
And it's a flawless synecdoche of a government that has completely lost interest in the two wars that it's started then waking up with a false start and rattling its saber at a third middle eastern country.
Go back to sleep, Dick. The country's better off when you're not awake.
5) George Bush
These days George must feel like a character in the Saw movies: naked and chained in a corner with no way out.
"America is helping Iraq's young democracy move forward." And there's no greater way to test a young democracy's resourcefulness and independence than by cutting the funding for their democracy.
George Bush took his recycled antique talking points road show to Nixon Country Sunday to give us these jingoistic phrases that would go Rudyard Kipling proud:
"The new government has a responsibility to deploy the growing strength of the Iraqi security forces to defeat the terrorists and insurgents and establish control over the militias."
"The United States and our coalition partners will work with the new Iraqi government to reassess our tactics, adjust our methods and strengthen our mutual efforts to achieve victory in this central front in the war on terror."
"There's going to be more tough fighting ahead in Iraq and there'll be more days of sacrifice and struggle. Yet, the enemies of freedom have suffered a real blow today, and we've taken a great stride on the march to victory.
"This historic achievement by determined Iraqis will make America more secure."
Unfortunately, George is so fixated on them darned terr'ists that he's forgotten about other challenges such as
this. Here's a snippet from the article to give you more incentive to click on the link: "The mortality of children in Basra has increased by nearly 30 percent compared to the Saddam Hussein era. Children are dying daily, and no one is doing anything to help them."
Well, don't say that George didn't warn about sacrifice and struggle.
4) The Bush Administration
When the Secret Service says Talk to the Hand, most people don't take them literally.
Nothing quite says "I love you" between dictatorial heads of state like a good old fashioned Tiananmen Square moment, especially if it's in the nation's capitol. And this time, the tank won. SFgate's Jon Carroll sums up this administration neatly: "The Bush administration embraced the arrogance of power with gusto. Its motto was `Never complain, never explain,' which morphed into `Never explain, frequently complain,' which morphed into `Always complain, pretend to explain.'"
And this attitude was no better exemplified than in the events of the past week. Personally, I didn't think that Bush would outdo himself so soon after "I'm a Decider" speech on the White House lawn but apparently, our go-getter of a Preznit is feeling ambitious these days.
While entertaining President Hu Jintao, the man who basically holds the note worth hundreds of billions of borrowed money with one hand and the big stick that supposedly keeps the North Koreans and George Bush in line, The Decider showed the entire world Hu was his Daddy by offering a legal human sacrifice, thereby striking a blow to freedom everywhere.
Because the carefully-scripted "official", as opposed to the more prestigious state, visit was interrupted by Dr. Wenyi Wang, a physician and erstwhile journalist for the Epoch Times. Typically, the other outlets, such as CNN, refer to Dr. Wang as a "heckler." A heckler is what you are if you tell a standup comedian during his act that he sucks. Hecklers also don't get thrown in jail and charged with disturbing foreign nationals.
Of course, the CNN story doesn't explain the reason for Dr. Wang's protest, which is organ harvesting of Falun Gong practitioners while they're still alive. So, while CNN effectively gagged her by not mentioning the need for the doctor's protest, what's even more telling is that a cameraman actually pulled a sign from her hands and literally gagged her by putting his hand over her mouth.
So much for the "liberal media."
And Dr. Wang's brief but memorable protest, on the White House lawn and just feet away from both Hu and Bush, automatically forced into light a horrifying story that, until now, had been virtually ignored by the mainstream media (and still is, as I've just demonstrated).
3) George Ryan
"I'd give up the 17 Malaysian infants that I'd also received in bribes but I'm afraid they've already been digested..."
Patrick Fitzgerald in Saving Us From Ryan. The good Dr. Laniac nicely sums it up thusly: "You gotta hand it to the fella. It's a real challenge to be more corrupt than Tom DeLay. Tom DeLay's criminal conspiracies at least served to promote the supremacy of his corrupt party. George Ryan ran his racket to benefit himself and his friends -- kind of a Tony Soprano of the Prairie."
George Ryan and his lobbyist running buddy Lawrence Warner last week were convicted on a total of 30 counts including, "steering state business to cronies for bribes, of gutting corruption-fighting efforts to protect political fundraising and of misusing state resources for political gain."
Larry had this to say after the convictions: "I've been trying not to have negative thoughts. I honestly thought I would walk."
Despite the flood of indictments and convictions that have been handed down and will be continued to be handed against a completely corrupt GOP, each of them is still amazed to discover that the law also applies to them and not just liberals like Bill Clinton.
Ryan left office after commuting death sentences to life sentences and imposing a moratorium on executions after a group of college law students discovered exculpatory DNA evidence that eventually set several Illinois death row inmates free. It's a shame that Ryan now won't be primarily remembered for that.
2) George "The Decider" Bush
(Pic courtesy Dependable Renegade.)
"I hear the voices."
Yes, you do, George, and, unfortunately for us, the Middle East and the world in general, one of those voices belongs to a God with an almost enviably twisted sense of humor.
By day, he's a snippy little rat terrier mild-mannered President but when he invokes the name of God, he turns into... The Decider! Yes, the Decider, able to leap tall Congresses with a single bound, bend FISA and Geneva Convention laws with his bare hands, change the course of mighty lakes and outrun a grieving mother.
And whenever human rights, civil liberties, and the Constitution are in danger...
...of conflicting with his corporate agenda, when he sees the tilted E in the sky, the Decider will crisply spring into action to wage a never-ending battle for truthiness, unequal justice and the Ugly American way!
Our story: Last Tuesday at the White House, George Bush, in the blink of an eye, transformed from a mild-mannered head of state into a cranky, cackling little assclown. A reporter asked our hero if was taking under advisement criticism of him not listening to the recommendations of the seven generals calling from Donald Rumsfeld's resignation.
In a blinding flash of light, the press conference turned uglier than Jean Schmidt after a fall from a mile-high Ugly Tree and The Decider was born!
Imagine how much Bush would be hated and how much of his intolerant, dyspeptic stupidity would be better known if the mainstream media had pressed him like this since Day One. Because Bush's dry-drunk, I'm About To Fall Off The Fucking Wagon attitude automatically flares up in indignation at anyone who doesn't adopt the attacking gorilla submissive pose.
Here's a friendly bit of advice, Captain Decider: You're a national and international laughing stock. It takes a true professional assclown to make France look braver, wiser and even better-mannered than us by conspicuous relief.
Two-thirds of the country wants you either impeached or out of office and even your dwindling support base is ready to turn on you on a moment's notice the moment you stop sucking James Dobson's cock. So keep snapping at the press and interrupting them during their questions. It's important for us to get better acquainted with the guy who's running our once-great nation.
1) Michelle Malkin
(Custom-made pic courtesy of D r i f t g l a s s.)
How do you say, "If you can't stand the heat, get the fuck out of the kitchen" in Tagalog?
Michelle Malkin catapulted herself like Bush propaganda to the top spot in record time this week. Take your pick for the best reason why: It could be for her posting three phone numbers and email addresses of student demonstrators on her blog while knowing good and well, if she fulfills even an iota her journalistic pretensions, that such contact information is rarely part of a press release. In doing so, professional sewer rat wrangler Michelle (hereafter referred to as "Willard") unleashed the toe-nibblers and ankle-biters that obediently streamed out of the intellectual septic tank of Little Green Footballs.
Or, to others, she could've made top banana for refusing to take the numbers down even after SAW had and, while disingenuously deploring the inevitable death threats, continuing to encourage her verminous apologists to call and email these kids.
Or, to still others, Michelle the Merciless could have climbed to the summit of this shit heap for her ingratitude at liberal bloggers giving her some much-needed empathy with those UC Santa Cruz students in releasing her contact information, including a picture of her home. Michelle went "on the air this past week to squeal about the death threats that she's allegedly received.
Now, I honestly don't condone such actions. Putting people in harm's way is not my ideal MO for shits and giggles. And, if the tire-slashing stories are true, then I condemn that, as well. (And, as an aside, if you want to get recruiters off your campus, depriving them of their means of transportation is a pretty bone-headed way to go about it.)
But Malkin, being a typically self-serving and stupid Republican, never considered herself to be any less immune to consequences and payback than did Tom DeLay, Duke Cunningham, George Ryan, Jack Abramoff and a growing cast other Republican hose beasts with cloven hooves of clay.
Dishonorable Mention: Gitmo inmates are now considered "small fry", according to a list drawn up by the Pentagon this week. The bottom line? "The (558) names released today by the US Defense Department did not include a single senior figure from al-Qaeda or other Islamic extremist groups, nor from Afghanistan's ousted Taliban regime, experts said." You think the Northern Alliance who've been feeding us these non-terrorists are taking cues from tuna fisherman who trap dolphins in their nets?
"Me... so horny, oh oh, so horny..." By way of novelist/blogger Stephen Elliot, we have disturbing images like this that bring to mind not so much The Graduate but Harold and Maude.
Then, there's this still of a video of Katherine canoodling with another Republican back in '04 on the floor of the House of Representatives!
She'd better hope that Sean Hannity doesn't chniosdfcmjofjcvm (sorry, I threw up a little on my keyboard.)
Finally, I leave you with this image by way of an honorable mention to the person who'd done this graphic:
(Image courtesy of anonyMoses.)
White is black, up is down.