From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Ladies and gentlemen,
Please rise and join us in the singing of our National Anthem...in English Spanish Morse Code.
(crisp salute to Boing Boing for their commitment to national patriotivity.)
Please be seated.
Let Cinco de Mayo Cinco de Begino!! Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 5, 2006
Note: This is a test of the Emergency Blogcast System. If this were an actual emergency, we would be panic-binging on Cocoa Puffs, Oreos and Häagen Dazs.
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By the Numbers:
Days `til the YearlyKos convention in Las Vegas June 8-11: 34
Days `til the Boothbay Harbor Lobster Boat Races: 43
Year when telescopes may be obsolete because of pollution: 2050
(Source: Prof. Gerry Gilmore at Cambridge University's Institute of Astronomy, via Details)
Percent of U.S. couples who regularly sleep in separate beds: 23%
(Source: Harpers Index)
Days the federal terror alert system has been in place: 1,509
Days spent at terror alert level Green or Blue: 0
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: A preview of our weekend. Do...not...call...
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CHEERS to Cinco de Mayo. It commemorates the victory of Mexico over the cheese-eating surrender monkeys at the Battle of Puebla in 1862 (during which, coincidentally, the first gusher of mayonnaise was capped). Today for lunch: Freedom Fajitas!
JEERS to Russian to judgment. President Dick Cheney berates the Vladimir Putin administration for the way it's attempting to restrict the rights of its citizens. I believe his exact words were, "You're doing it all wrong. Here, let me show you how we do it..."
CHEERS to connecting the docs. The American Medical Association was formed 158 years ago today. Topics covered in their first newsletter: How to smoke a stogie over an open wound..."Sharpen that saw blade, Mister!"...and Ether: your after-hours friend.
CHEERS to my booming town. Portland is #20 on Inc. magazine's list of mid-size "Boom Towns", and one of only two New England cities (Framingham, Mass. Is 57th) on the list:
Portland recently opened a $25 million road that connects its busy waterfront with Interstate 295, the area's major highway, giving easier access to truckers picking up cargo at the docks. Health care and financial services also are bright spots.
The full list is here. Criteria are explained here. Cheer up, Muncie (#393)...we still love ya.
CHEERS to CEO Mommy. If she were to actually get paid for all the work she does around the house, according to Salary.com, she'd deserve a cool $134,121 per year. But, Mother dear, how can you compare a pile of cold, impersonal, germ-infested cash to the warm, loving embrace of a 99-cent card with flowers and birds and crap like that on it?
P.S. Quethtion for C&J readerth: anyone know how to ekthtract a toilet bruth from a thinus cavity??
JEERS to homeland security puppetry. Local fire departments are wasting money from the Department of Homeland Security, says the (don't laugh) Washington Times. Turns out wads of money are being spent not on security measures, but on puppet shows, exercise equipment and clowns. I guess they're just following the example set by the White House.
CHEERS to merry maids. Ann B. Davis turns 80 today. Go wish Alice a happy birthday. But do it quick before Sam picks her up to go bowling.
CHEERS to the summer movie season. It officially kicks off next week with The Da Vinci Code starring Tom Hanks. In the meantime, the last of the spring drivel opens today with the low-budget Mission: Impossible: 3: The: Impossiblest: One: Yet. It stars a guy who claims post-partum depression is a myth, believes Earth was populated by aliens, hires "handlers" to follow his wife so she won't stray from her his religion, and jumps on other people's couches. I think I'm gonna root for the villain...this guy sounds dangerous.
JEERS to one big slab `o bull. Get this: Creekstone Farms---a Kansas-based premium meat packer---wanted to go beyond federal guidelines (1 percent) and test 100% of its beef for mad cow disease. The government politely told them to shut up and sit down, using logic that defies description:
Creekstone's plan, it said, would undermine federal attempts to "maintain domestic and international confidence in U.S. cattle and beef products." To let the company adopt a more stringent regime would imply the USDA rules were inadequate.
The National Cattlemen's Beef Association agreed, complaining that "if you let one company step out and do that, other companies would have to follow."
Creekstone Farms has filed a lawsuit, which we hope they win. In other news, the airlines have decided to take a page from the USDA playbook and only inspect 1 percent of their planes. Got parachuteTM?
JEERS to lying liars. Rush Limbaugh claims he wasn't arrested last Friday when, in fact, the guys who booked him say he was arrested last Friday. Will we ever trust him again?
CHEERS to world peace. WWII officially ended in Europe 60 years ago tomorrow. What a coincidence---the same amount of time we'll be stuck in Iraq.
JEERS (again) to Joe Klein. How clueless can one man be? This spittle from a Tuesday Washington Post chat is right out of the Fox News playbook:
I never said that the left hates America. I said the Left sometimes indulges in "hate America" rhetoric, especially when it comes to foreign policy. I've said that some on the left have the knee-jerk assumption that America is always wrong when it uses force---and that others on the left seem to assume that America is a malignant force in the world. I respect your patriotism and your right to criticize the government---I do it myself just about every week in my column. But I have no time for those who assume our country is somehow evil.
"Some" on the left? "Others" on the left? "Those" who assume our country is somehow evil? Careful you don't provide an actual example, Joe...we wouldn't want you to hurt yourself.
CHEERS to pretty horsies. The 132nd Kentucky Derby is tomorrow. Before you place your bets, make sure you know the secret formula for properly calculating the odds. We're betting it all on Bernie the Twinkletoed mule. He goes Tippitytippity clop... Tippitytippity clop...
GUFFAWS to the Iraq's Funniest Home Videos! The world is getting a great laugh out of watching terrorist pigdog [p'too!] Al "Bundy" Zarqawi fumble with his gun and nearly shoot his buddy in the face. Quoth Cheney: "Amateur."
One Year Ago in C&J: May 5, 2005:
JEERS to the Land of the Lost. Let me get this straight: another $100 million has simply gone "poof" in Iraq?? Bringing the total amount of "lost" reconstruction money to $9.52 billion in two years?? Is anybody in charge in Iraq?? Isn't this our tax money?? Hello??
JEERS to the separation of judge and brain. (via Atrios) In an apparent violation of the first amendment, a Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled that a county in Virginia can prohibit a Wiccan from giving an invocation at Board of Supervisors meetings because, well, it's just not Judeo-Christian enough. The full 4th Circuit Court may hear an appeal from Cynthia Simpson. If she sinks, they'll give her a thumbs-up.
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And just one more...
JEERS to AAA. Their new emergency road service for Hummers is simply appalling. But at least it's nice knowing there's one broken down on the side of the road somewhere.
Floor's open...what are you cheering and jeering about today?
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