I used to believe in gay marriage. I fought battles defending the potential institution on grounds philosophical, political, and moral.
But reality has dealt me a heavy blow - after the actual experience of a close homosexual relationship, I have come to realize that the pro-marriage movement is hopelessly misguided. And since we are a reality-based community, I knew posting this diary was the right thing to do.
Here, then, are another five arguments against gay marriage, gleaned from my own experiences:
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CHORES
In a properly functioning heterosexual household, the chores are naturally divided for maximum efficiency: the woman does the cooking and the cleaning, and the man does all the heavy football-watching.
But in my household, we're both watching football while the kitchen goes un-mopped. At commercial breaks, we stare at each other puzzled: Who's going to bring us another beer? Who's going to make us more guacamole (the good kind of fat)? (1)
Meanwhile, our health is suffering. Neither of us can boil a pot of water, so we're ordering pizza and take-out Chinese with frightening regularity.
As further proof, we hear our female-female counterparts have mopped the kitchen so much that they've worn through the linoleum.
- HOLIDAYS
That's right - even holidays are so aligned as to show the absurdity of gay relationships. You might think that a bunch of days picked out for celebration - some arbitrary, some not - wouldn't affect the definition of relationships. Think again!
First, there are no "To my husband" cards that include pictures of half-naked men. At most, they may include pictures of half-naked women. He doesn't want to see that. I don't want to see that. Hell, outside of a few movies, I've never seen that at all. The industry is simply not prepared to muddy the waters of gender expectations.
Second, and more importantly: between the two of us, we manage to forget every single birthday, anniversary, and holiday in the calendar. And that includes our own. Clearly, homosexual relationships are a threat to the economic sustainability of the greeting card industry.
- NAMES
In a healthy heterosexual relationship, the man asserts his dominance in the household by granting his woman the use of his last name.(2) But in a homosexual relationship, without the clearly-defined power structures in place, how can we decide who gets to take whose name?
Our society is simply not equipped to deal with the amount of confusion that the name game causes. If we keep our names separate, no one will realize that we're a couple. But if we take the same last name, how will we answer the telephone operator who asks to speak to "Mr. So-and-So"?
"Which one?" I answer.
"The head of the household, please."
"Which one?" I answer.
"Mr. So-and-So."
"Which one?" I answer.
Simply put, the convenience of our social assumptions will be dangerous undermined.
And don't even get me started on the "Who gets to be called `Dad'?" issue.
- LAUNDRY
In a normal heterosexual relationship, laundry is a cinch. Usually, the woman can get it all done in a few hours with no confusion.
But my partner is roughly the same height as I am, and while it may be easy to sort through shirts and pants, one undeniable fact has presented itself: sorting through underwear and socks is a disaster. We end up with a pile of unmatched socks, not knowing whose are whose, and eventually give up and toss them all into one drawer.
I haven't worn a matching pair of socks in over three years.
If the good God had wanted people of the same sex to marry, he'd have created laundry baskets with separate compartments. The gender-neutral clothes hamper speaks volumes about reality's well-known heterosexual bias.
- FOR THE CHILDREN
No, I'm not talking about those 'studies' the President alluded to that showed why children need a father and a mother (thereby eliminating single-parent households, too, Mr. President?). This one's actually about the grandparents.
Without the potential for reproduction(3), gay marriage poses a major threat to parents: what can my mom pester me about if she can't pester me about children? No hope for "So when are you two settling down and raising kids?" No awkward holiday dinners where they stare down the little wife for signs of a growing tummy.
Worse, conversations with mom now have to address other topics - sometimes even topics of substance. This casts family dynamics in a whole different light and threatens the very moral fiber of our country.
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So there. From the horse's mouth to the laptop's keyboard - all the evidence you'll ever need to debunk arguments in favor of gay marriage.
You can thank me later.
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(1)This is an excellent illustration of the slippery slope at work. Had feminists never fought to liberate women from the kitchen, proper gender roles would have been maintained. But, nooooo, they had to disrupt the system, drop the vacuum, demand equal rights - and now we have two people of the same sex wanting to get married. Let this be a lesson for us all.
(2) This applies to most couples, excepting famous actresses and left-wing nuts. Yet further proof that Hollywood is ruining America. I simply cannot keep track of which Famous Person is married to which Famous Person without the aid of at least three tabloid magazines.
(3) Adoption, of course, is not an option. There are currently no adoption agencies that look kindly towards our guacamole and pizza diet. As for biological children, I can only quote the immortal words of Monty Python: "Where's the fetus going to gestate? Are you going to keep it in a box?!"