"Without the U.S., Canada is essentially Honduras, but, you know, colder and much less interesting."
-Tucker Carlson, Crossfire, making Carolyn Parrish hate American conservatives even more
"[Canadians] better hope the United States does not roll over one night and crush them. They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent."
-Ann Coulter, Hannity and Colmes (yeah, again)
"Canada is a left-wing, socialist basketcase. What kind of friends are they?"
-Sean Hannity, somewhere
Dear Purveyors of Anti-Canadian Remarks:
After reading what you have said about my great country, I am left with a very simple response for you: We don't really care.
Well, it's true. Canadians don't need your approval, or the approval of any American, to feel that our lives have been fulfilled. In fact, the more you insult us, the more our morale goes up. Sorry to disappoint you. No, I'm not.
We'll start with you, Mr. Carlson. I still haven't forgotten that rather brief period when you seemed to have made it your personal mission to belittle Canada until we let our attack beavers loose on you. And by the way, we don't have attack beavers, except in beer commercials. We don't have dog-sleds, either. At least not the ones who don't actually need them.
Now, you said that Canada would be vulnerable to a Norwegian invasion without the U.S. army right there to protect us. But whose police force thwarted a plot to blow up the CN Tower and behead the prime minister? Canada's police force, of course. And they did it alone, proving that we don't need the U.S. army to baby-sit us. Considering that we are generally loved internationally for being so nice, I think the chances of a Norwegian invasion are zero.
You said that Canada is colder and less interesting than Honduras. Well, of course we're colder -- we're farther north. So are you, in case you hadn't noticed. But obviously you've never visited Canada in the summer. I suggest you do, and wear a parka to the airport while you're at it. Then, after a group of sweaty, shirtless, shorts-clad Canadian teenagers beat the living crap out of you for dressing like a nerd, come visit me and try to say, "I told you so."
As for the less interesting part, well, this is pretty self-explanatory. Maybe Canada has never been uppermost in the minds of Americans, but at least they know we exist. If there are any Americans who know that Honduras isn't a kind of minivan, chances are you'll find most of them here at the Daily Kos.
And you wanna know why we don't have very much need for an army of our own? Because we've come to the conclusion that war is not good. Yes, our army is in Afghanistan, but that was because we thought we'd be friendly and help you out a little. Because we acknowledged that Afghanistan was at fault for 9/11. The reason we didn't go to Iraq was because we were skeptical about the threat from there, and rightfully so. I don't need to explain why.
Now on to you, Miss Coulter. (It is Miss, right? I'm still trying to figure that out.) During what was probably your 25th appearance on Hannity and Colmes -- have they given you a coupon for a free dessert yet? -- you stated that you "could have taken [us] over so easily." Did you actually pay attention in your history lectures? You tried taking us over once. In 1812. And how much of our land did you get? (counts on fingers) Oh, yeah -- NONE!
And how, Miss Coulter, did you explain your hatred of Canada?
"Because they speak French."
Mais il y a seulement une province qui parle principalement le français, et la plupart d'entre nous ne les aime pas. Juste parce que nos étiquettes sont écrites en anglais et en français, il ne nous signifie pas tout les parle les deux. Alors, essayez de perdre les stéréotypes -- chienne.
Anyone who figures out what I just said will win a free donut and can of beer.
By the way, we didn't send troops to Vietnam. I just thought I'd let you know in case the rest of the world hadn't already convinced you that it's true.
Now for you, Mr. Hannity. Um, what was it that you called us? Let's review that quote.
"Canada is a left-wing, socialist basketcase. What kind of friends are they?"
Why, we're your left-wing, socialist basketcase friends, of course! And it's only our health care and educational systems that are socialized, actually -- it's not like we're Communists or anything. But considering how much trading we do with you guys, I'd say that it's best to be nice to us. Otherwise your only source of softwood lumber will be your pants. (ZING!)
I know that by writing this letter, I'm making it seem like Canadians do care what you think of us. But it's not your opinions that matter to me -- it's your lack of supporting evidence. Next time you decide to go after us, remember to find a good reason why. Also, remember that we don't care what you say about us unless you actually come here -- in which case, we'll trot out our attack beavers. No, we won't. We'll just spit on you.
Sincerely (well, not really),
RioMadeira
P.S. Hannity, please give my kudos to Colmes for standing up for us on that "roll over one night and crush them" episode. His invitation to a Leafs game still stands.