Last night I had a nightmare where I was giving a speech while giving the Chancellor of Germany a
backrub and
I can't talk right and say really dumb things like...
"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."
...and
"I was not pleased that Hamas has refused to announce its desire to destroy Israel."
...and
"The point now is how do we work together to achieve important goals. And one such goal is a democracy in Germany."
...and other stupid things. So I told Laura about my dream except the backrub part and she said I really did say those things. I knew right then it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
I knew it was because when I got to the office the TV was on MSNBC instead of Fox when I told everyone it is supposed to always be on Fox and that
Keith kid was saying all sorts of mean and unfair things about me and said I didn't do anything and that I didn't get Osama what's-his-face and I started a dumb war that didn't have anything to do with Osama and that I used what happened to help myself and that I lied and should be kicked out and all sorts of mean things he shouldn't be allowed to say. I think Keith is a big fat traitor and should move to France.
Then Carl said things don't look so good for our club in November. Then Carl told me that Colin who left the clubhouse a long time ago and used to be my friend and didn't want to play with the cool kids anymore had said that my new rule that lets me and Dick and Donald torture people is stupid and wrong and he agrees with that big stupidhead John. I think Colin is a big dummy and should not think and should just shut up. I think I'll have a press conference and tell everyone how dumb Colin is and tell him to shut up. That will really fix Colin. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
I could tell because John said he wasn't my best friend anymore either and wasn't supporting my bill allowing me, Dick and Donald to torture people and Lindsey said she wasn't supporting my bill allowing us to torture people and the other John said so too and so did Susan. So I said if they weren't supporting my torturing people I wasn't going to do anything at all and told John that he's a big dummy. John thinks torture is a bad thing just because he got tortured and I didn't. I think being tortured made John a big crybaby stupid-head. I think we should kick John and Lindsey and John and Susan and Colin out of the club. If they don't like it I think they should move to France.
At the press conference I almost forgot to use my Texas accent instead of the way I really talk and I tried to talk about my really cool rule on torture but some dumbhead reporter asked about the bad mean things my ex-friend Colin said about it and what he thinks about the rule so I got mad and said Colin was a big stupid-head and he should not think and people that don't agree with me are dummies and then I told the reporter to shut-up. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
I knew it was when they asked me about my ex-friend John which made me mad and then some other thing about Mexico that I didn't know and then about that dumb Iraq thing that was over years ago. Then they asked me if I was going to talk to the Iranian club president and I said no because he's a stupidhead. Then they asked me why I keep saying Al Qaida and Saddam are best friends when everyone knows they weren't best friends and the Senate said they didn't even like each other so I said I never said they were best friends even though I know I said that before and one time when one guy in the Al Qaida club actually stayed in Iraq in a hospital when he was hurt so they were best friends so there. That made everyone look at me funny like I had worms coming out of my ears. It was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
Then I got to make fun of one of the reporters and that was kinda good because I always like to make fun of people when other people are around. Then they laugh at the person I made fun of and they stop laughing at me. It's really funny because they look so stupid and it makes me look cool. Then they asked me again about my stupid ex-friend John and I said if John doesn't like it and I don't get what I want I'm going to take my ball and go back to Texas.
Then they asked me all sorts of other stuff and about that stupid Iraq thing again and alot of other stuff I didn't know and I answered some stuff and made up some stuff and about that Osama that I don't think much about even though he attacked us and that Saddam guy didn't. So I told a fib and said I did care about him even though I don't and want to catch him even though my friend Pakistan and the Taliban and Al Qaida are now best friends which will let Osama and his friends stay in Pakistan. Besides it's not my fault it's Clinton's. I hate press conferences.
So then after the press conference Carl told me that my friend Bob got caught taking candy even though he lied about it but they didn't believe him. Carl said he got it from Jack that kid who slept over a couple times but I said I didn't know but I really did and who also gave candy and other stuff to Tom, Conrad and John and some other kids and David who works at the clubhouse got in big trouble. Can't they wait until after November? Some people are just mean. It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Carl says some days are like that. Even in France.