(The following is a transcript of today's Sunday morning talk show on ABC, CBS, NBC, PBS, FOX, CNN and MSNBC.)
Moderator: Are we safer today than we were before 9/11?
Right: Yes we are.
Left: Yes, we are. But there is more that we can be doing, like putting partisanship aside and supporting our President.
Moderator: Are we closer to catching Bin Laden?
Right: Yes, we are. The President is doing everything we can on this.
Left: I agree. This is no time for partisanship. We must put our criticisms of the President aside until the War on Terror is over. We are united as one Republican nation.
Moderator: Speaking of Bin Laden, didn't he sound a lot like Michael Moore?
Right: Yes, he did.
Moderator: His entire tape could have been written by Howard Dean.
Right: That's true.
Left: This is no time for partisanship.
Moderator/Right: That's not partisan!
Left: No, I mean partisanship from the left. It really turns average Americans off to hear that kind of partisan name calling. We really do sound exactly like Bin Laden. That's why we lose.
Moderator/Right: That's true. You're so critical.
Left: We are. It really turns people off to engage in this kind of name calling.
Moderator: I agree. We scoured our tape files to find examples of this kind of name calling from the left, and if we allowed those kinds of liberals on our show, we would show those clips to you. Trust me, you're better off not seeing them.
Left: Thank you for keeping those from us. Giving those people a forum doesn't do my side any favors.
Right: He's right. It's clearly an example of liberal bias that you don't bring those liberals on your show to undermine their cause by letting people hear for themselves what they really believe.
Moderator: We'll try to do better about that. We are too liberal. Next week we'll have two conservative commentators on to make up for it. I'd bring those liberals on to undermine their cause, but I just couldn't bear to use our show to give Bin Laden a forum like that.
Right: You're still liberal.
Moderator: We are. We are. Any other pointers that might help us become more moderate?
Right: Well, you know, when I can't find any actual tape of liberal politicians or commentators saying these things, I usually turn to anonymous postings on message boards. If you can't find any criticism that goes over the line there, I'd be happy to pose as a liberal and post something that I think a liberal would say, and you could use that.
Moderator: Thank you! What kind of things would a liberal say?
Right: They'd compare Bush to Osama Bin Laden.
Moderator: That's horrible! What vile partisans!
Left (shakes head in shame): That's why we're losing. Clearly, we can't engage in intelligent dialogue. And now because of my side's impolite behavior, they've completely directed attention away from what they we're trying to say. And the war's not even over yet! The time to criticize comes after we've won. We shouldn't criticize Bush's policies until they're a success! If they aren't working, it's because you aren't supporting him!
Right: We won't win if liberals keep dividing our nation like this. By the way, why is this guy even here? With him here and the Moderator, that's two liberals against one!
Moderator: That's so true. From now on, I say we just get rid of liberals altogether and only have me represent the opposing view. I'm a liberal anyway. What do we need him for? Get rid of him!
(Leftie thrown off show).
Moderator: From now on, it's just you and me. That's balance!
Right: You're still liberal.
Moderator: That's true. I'll just leave. Have at it.
(Moderator leaves.)
Right: I'm too liberal.
(Casting suggestions: Moderator - Chris Matthews, Nicholas Kristof, Thomas Friedman. Right: Any Op-ed columnist, pundit or commentator. Left: Joe Klein, Joe Lieberman or Biden. Repeats every Sunday.)