Been quite a while since I diaried. Comments and recommends have been it for months now. Not that I lack things to say, I just hadn't felt compelled to go on at length. And I don't know yet to what length I'll go on about any one thing.
There is zero political content here. Read on if you don't care.
Last night, I drove back from Chicago. In fog and light "nuisance" rain. Alone, with The Grateful Dead, Duke Ellington, and Beethoven keeping me company on the CD player.
(more to come)
Long drives are great for getting stuff in, through, and back out of your head. Nothing else for your brain to do without demanding situations at hand, and the CDs were punctuated by deliberate, long stretches of quiet. The occasional grind of the wipers, the rustle and whoosh of the tires, and the stuff that happened between my own two ears.
Musings on a lot of stuff - personal things, stuff that for one reason or another resonated in the moment, just the stuff a 50+ guy has in his head while on the road.
Last year figured prominently in those thoughts. Both because it's very early in 2006, and because 2005 was a complex and tumultuous year in some ways. Late in 2004, I spent sometime alone with my writing, working on a semi-list of things I wanted to either accomplish or attempt this past year. Guess what? Almost nothing of that came about. One that did was the resolution, although unfortunately not how I'd have liked, of an ongoing question that I'm not really gong to spend any time on here, as it's just a private thing. The goals and ambitions I had were otherwise largely professional ones. And as I'd said, nothing much - not because I didn't do anything, things just went in a couple different directions. I got rid of a client that had been causing me a lot of grief with really unpleasant work and was a very slow payer to boot. (Good riddance to you, Mr. P.I.T.A!) And for the first time ever, I worked on a feature project. Nothing you're likely to see in theatrical release, a very small-scale actioner that we shot in little more than a week. I was first AC and 2nd Unit camera. Lots of fun, really hard, fast, insane work and very hard play at night afterwards. A whole different world that what I've been used to, as feature work turns a group of strangers into family very quickly. There really is no option - without that, it could never happen. And as the wrap party went far into the night, and one of the actors put up a group progressive toast and tequila shot (Ack! Why do you think they call it ta-kill-ya?) I offered this: "To a roomful of strangers who quickly became my friends, and to the joy of doing good work!"
I want more of that. Not the tequila, the fellowship and the good, honest craft work.
And reflecting on having now spent as long living consecutively here in MN (21 years this spring) as any one place, ever. And the changes both around and within me as those years passed. The growth, the learning, the steps forward, the slips and falls, the comings and goings of the various people in my life - including a couple I've known for the whole time I've been here. And the continuity of what small family I have. The physical remoteness of some of them, many states away, and the emotional closeness of my one sib, my dear sister and her family, just over 2 hours away in Wisconsin. And the realization that I'm not ready to stop. Don't know what changes there may be in this coming year, or in the next few, still, I look forward to them. Challenges, sure, but what's the hill for if not to climb?
The passing of time hits in other ways, as well. I can't pretend I can do the same things now I did when I was 25. And why would I? What looks cool at 25 makes you feel foolish at twice that. Not to mention sometimes physically really banged up!
And it's time I start thinking about turning some things around. I've never stopped learning, and don't intend to, but knowledge is one of the very few things in life you don't diminish when you share it with others. I'm not the best teacher of anything, and yet I can offer some good stuff to those who want it. And I have, even if only a small amount so far, and I will.
And those few of you that will read this, for whatever reason, whether you think I have good stuff to say in general or the title just piques your curiosity, well, this place has dug itself a little nesting spot in my heart as well - it's an unruly, sometimes fractious, but always valuable and interesting little virtual space. If you have something to add to this, don't hesitate.
Last, I think I still have some hope for a better world. It's very often disheartening to look around and see things going on that flat-out harm people. That rob them of their dignity, even their personhood in some cases, and reduce them to either statistics or abstractions. I can't say that I have much in the way of answers to offer, sometimes I trip over the very questions themselves. Still, we are born to seek truth, to look over the next hill, to quest, if you will. We can't go backwards no matter what anyone says. Things just don't work that way, and they never will.
We face a lot of false starts, a lot of wrong turns, a lot of blind alleys, and a lot of open questions yet to come. We are up to those challenges. Whether we take them up or not, well, that's the question of the day.