Due to recent events in the Republican community, I've recruited the services of a Republican Leader. Because he's high up in the leadership, he's chosen to use the nickname "Denny" to protect his privacy.
Dear Denny: I'm a member of the congress, and I've, well, been caught looking for "congress" from several young boys. I tried denying it, but somehow the damn liberal media got hold of my emails and even some late-night instant messages. Since I'm not gay, it should be obvious that when I'm talking to young boys about having sex with me, I'm just looking to mentor them in a godly, Christ-like fashion. How can I make this whole thing go away? -- Mark in Florida
Dear Mark: I first want to emphasize that I've never, ever heard about this. Second, I want to let you know that since you're not gay, it's perfectly natural to be attracted to young boys, and to talk to them about sex. For example, when you're preparing a bunch of young, strapping lads for a wrestling meet, and they're all sweaty, it's natural that you want to massage their sore shoulders and talk to them about how muscular they are. Perfectly natural, for someone who isn't gay. If you were gay, it would be a terrible sin, and a crime. But you're not gay, so it's okay. Did I mention that I've never, ever heard about your problems? I think the best course of action is to pretend nothing happened, and perhaps buy a lot of advertising time to let your district know that your opponent wants to ban Christmas, and eats babies. Did I mention that I've never heard about your problem?
The next question is a bit harder, though equally important:
Dear Denny: I run a "law enforcement" agency, and I'm currently in charge of some "overseas operations". I'm unclear on what these "Geneva conventions" are. I've never been to Geneva, much less gone to a convention there (I'm sure I'd remember, I'd have a tote bag if I did.) Even though I'm sure that most of the people in the prisons I oversee are probably not guilty of anything, I'd like to electrocute them repeatedly to make sure. I'm thinking of getting that guy "Endo" from that movie "Lethal Weapon" who had the sponge attached to the big rack of car batteries. He was really good, at least until Mel Gibson broke his neck. I'd also like to strip them all naked and insert stuff in their rectums. I don't think this is anything to worry about, because I myself like to insert things up my own rectum while I electrocute myself. However, the pansy-ass liberals around me say I might be violating the "Geneva conventions." What do you think? -- Donnie R. in Washington
Dear Donnie: I can understand your disdain for those pansy-ass liberals around you. I suggest you ignore what they say about Geneva, because, as I understand, that's a place in "old europe" that is safely ignored. We'll pass some laws to help provide some "clarity" on this point. Also, it's definitely not perverted to want to electrocute people, or stuff things into their rectums. PS: I like the pictures of the naked human pyramids (especially the ones where they have feces smeared on them.) Can you send me a few more?
Finally, a quick question from the private sector. In regards to
recent hearings in congress, a difficult ethical dillema:
Dear Denny: I run a large computer company, and I'm unclear about some of the laws on the books. I'm looking for a "bright line" here, because everything seems hazy. Here's my problem-- I've gone through my employee's medical records and found one or two that appear to be a good match for donating organs to me. I'm wondering if there is any problem if I have them killed so that I can harvest their organs, so that I can have an extra pair of kidneys, and a spare liver. A couple of my subordinates have said that this may be "illegal" and refused to participate in my plan, although I told them that it surely would be okay. What should I do? -- Patty in Palo Alto
Dear Patty: I agree with your concern about the "bright line". A lot of laws out there are very vague, and I also worry that a lot is left for interpretation by liberal judges. My best suggestion is to keep contributing large amounts of money to the GOP; this will surely help keep the law on your side. After all, a republican can pretty much do whatever they want these days.
That's all from Dear Denny for now; if you have any questions for Dear Denny, post them here, and I'll try to get him on the line.