Toilet paper. I use it, you use it, we all use it... well, there
was that
mysterious stain on the
shower curtain a few weeks ago, but I would
never suggest that anyone here had anything to do with that.
Toilet paper has been around for a long time. According to Jem in To Kill a Mockingbird, the ancient Egyptians invented it (and enbalming). I trust Jem, so I didn't bother to look it up.
There are many brands and many sizes, but I am sure that we can all agree that it has one main function.
True,
we women may need it on occasions that men don't, but the point is that we all need it.
Nowadays, toilet paper rolls come in all kinds of sizes--regular, double, triple, jumbo, super, and mega. Mega rolls may be inconvenient at first, as you will probably have to remove your doors from their hinges in order to get the package in the front door and into the bathroom. However, one package should last a normal person at least a decade or two. In fact, I can't think of anyone whose ass is so big that he would be able to use up one of those suckers in less than 4-5 years. Well, yeah, there's Denny Hastert, but I always figured his after-poopie regimen would consist of several brawny men with stiff-bristled brooms and hoses scrubbing him clean.
You can even decorate with toilet paper! Do you get the musical bug whenever you answer nature's call? No problem! In the holiday mood? Gotcha covered! Want to make a political statement? Step right up!
You can tell a lot about people by the type of toilet paper they use. This is what they've used in the White House for the last 6 years:
I am not a rich person. In fact, my monthly income is what some people spend at Starbucks in a month. I try to live within my means. There is nothing extravagant about my lifestyle. My budget does not allow for luxuries, but the one thing I insist on is decent toilet paper. I usually buy one of two brands that I like, but the last time I had it on my grocery list, I noticed that the store had a brand on sale for which I, coincidentally, had a dollar off coupon. It was a national brand, so I figured, what the hell, it's not like buying this:
I don't want to open myself up to a lawsuit, so I won't say what brand I bought. Tell you what, let's call it Schmott. The plastic wrapping on the outside of the package announced in large colorful letters that this was Schmott Extra Soft!!! That can't be bad, right?
When I ran out of the soft double-ply bliss of one of my usual brands, I opened up the Schmott paper when I was in need of its services. I don't want to say that the texture was coarse, but when I used it, I considered having the manufacturer arrested for assault! Extra Soft? Compared to what? Rubbing my ass against a concrete wall embedded with broken glass? If you think I am exaggerating, consider this--when I was finished, my fingernails were an eighth of an inch shorter!! maybe it's my own fault. I should have noticed the texture when I took it out of the package.
As with all things in life, with toilet paper, the proof is in the pudding....maybe that was a poor choice of words. However, my point is (oh, hell, you read this much already, play along like I really have a valid point to make) that you should never trust slogans. Don't believe something just because someone tells you that it is true. Mission Accomplished? No Child Left Behind? Clear Skies Initiative? The Patriot Act? Look past the packaging, and you will find that they have as much meaning as Extra Soft on a package of toilet paper of (m)ass destruction. Putting slogans in print doesn't make them true. Neither does constant repetition.
And now, words of wisdom that do merit repetition, I give you today's top comments. Don't forget to wash your hands afterwards.
First, my picks:
Jeffersonian Democrat makes a very good point while discussing my future husband Keith Olbermann's latest righteous rant.
In an excellent diary, doinaheckuvanutjob asks for suggestions on how to keep the election honest. RMiller takes an essay question seriously! (A comment so nice, it was nominated twice! It was also recommended by the lovely MissLaura.) Read the entire thread. skod starts another good thread.
Jeffersonian Democrat gets another nod, this time relating to the mass grave found in Germany recently.
Now, let's go to the magic mailbag! Kids, don't forget to send your nominations in to topcomments @ gmail dotcom!
From feisty SFJen: This comment from Devilstower on the balancing act between privacy online and a feeling a duty to act when a life threatening danger is perceived is one of the best comments I've seen so far on the online/real life divide. We aren't going to answer the privacy question fully as a community for a while, but this comment comes as close as I've seen to a common sense approach to the subject.
From the man who rents a condo, but owns my heart--condoleaser's challah rose in an unexpected way! (editor's note--oy vey!)
Mr. Talented himself, The Gryffin, liked this one from IL dac
From the lovely and kind Cronsense:
Diary: Message: We Care by wmtriallawyer
Comments: We Care by wmtriallawyer
GreyHawk, who has done so much to help find Buffy, on contrasts.
The adorable noweasels endorses this bit of snark from chicagochristianleft on the whereabouts of Armando.
From the intoxicating vcmvo2: In the controversial MSOC diary on Hillary here's a heartfelt comment on why a vote for Hillary might be necessary. In fact, trashablanca would vote for a ham sandwich if it was the Democratic nominee. A great thread on sandwiches and nominees gets kicked off as a result! Enjoy!
From the wonderful and vitamin-C rich OrangeClouds115, a comment from Kdoug and a snarky response from Rat.