On Election Eve, Bobnbob, thefos and Lois (sans Clark) were foot soldiers for Tampa Bay area fighting Dems. We were the proud, the mean but not so lean infantry of 3. Like most loyal patriots, we were simply doing our duty. We were grunts following orders handed down to us by our chain of command. Specialist Kelley instructed us on the logistics of our mission and being the dedicated freedom fighters we are, we blindly followed.
Our mission was simple: Sign planting at specifically targeted polling sites in Hillsborough and Pasco counties on election eve for our brave blue candidates on the front lines.
More classified info after the flip...
Ours was a coordinated effort. Being the multi-taskers that we are, we had committed to plant signs for multiple candidates, covering 2 counties.
We were an all voluntary, special ops unit for Davis/Jones, Busansky, Justice, Gorham, Griffin, Russell, Suarez, Cox, Silver and Mulhern. We would have planted signs for more candidates, but out of town staffers told us that "signs don't win elections" as they patted us on our heads and sent us on our way. But we believed that our instincts were right; this was about social acceptance, name recognition and conversation openers for neighbors who admitted to voting for whichever candidates' signs were in our yards. We believed that signs gave uninvolved and even lazy Democratic voters a sense of purpose and being part of the team. Signs made them believe that they had done something concrete to help. So, yes, if signs could do even the least of these things, then God was indeed on our side.
Since I had to work on Election Day, this was our last and only chance. Specialist Kelley had stressed that getting up before the crack of dawn on Election Day was crucial for the successful completion of our mission, but "working for the man" took that option out. So at great peril to both ourselves and our candidates' signs, we risked life, limb and liberty by deploying early.
We were highly-trained soldiers, armed with specialized equipment, and operating upon the principles of stealth, speed and close teamwork. We understood that our premature, pre-emptive strike could have devastating repercussions, but we had to seize the day before it was gone forever.
In lieu of MREs, we grabbed yogurt, water and a snack wrap and fish filet from McDonalds. OK, so our beautiful minds and ugly bodies were not our first priority but Democracy was at stake, for Pete's sake!
When Specialist Kelley handed us our orders, she included an extremely sensitive, classified, WMD. Yes, you heard me. We were armed and ready for gorilla warfare. Our WMD contained no fat, no cholesterol and no carbohydrates. It could pan-fry, bake, roast or microwave cook without the need for additional lard and was ideal for easy clean up. I must admit that I neglected to read the fine print on the label that said "Do not over spray" but we were strictly adhering to our marching orders which included applying generously and liberally.
Yes, we were armed with PAM...no wait just a minute...being the fiscally conservative Democrats that we are, we were appropriately armed with the diet coke of PAM. Our weapon of choice was "Shur Fine All Natural Cooking Spray."
We commenced our mission at 1900. I was driving my army green Villager mini-van, Lois was the logistical navigator and Bobnbob was the lookout. We had trained long and hard during this election cycle, so we had "stop, drop and roll" down to a science. Our first few precinct maneuvers went smoothly. We stopped, Bobnbob and Lois dropped the signs and I sprayed the signs to ward off the evil-doers who meant to inflict harm to them.
Contrary to popular belief, we knew that in order to win, we had to embrace the right, left and middle even if it placed us deep behind enemy lines. So yes, we were under super secret cover even in the upscale gated trailer parks in Pasco County. WTF? Gated upscale trailer parks? I kid you not. Remember...we live in freaky Florida after all. But I digress...
Our first stop in Pasco County was way up in San Antonio. We had just finished planting and spraying when we noticed a white pickup truck lurking in the shadows. We knew from recent protesting and visibility experience that nothing much good comes from white men in white pickup trucks, so we quickly switched into stealth surveillance mode. We drove away but circled around the polling site building and turned off our headlights as we observed the enemy operation. Damn it to hell! Where were our night vision goggles when we needed them?
As we covertly continued to observe to make sure that he didn't sabotage our brave efforts, we noted that although he didn't move Gorham's signs, he did indeed have them surrounded. As the white pickup truck began to leave the scene of the crime, we dropped Bobnbob off at the corner and pulled away. Bobnbob was on her own in the dark with only her reflective tennis shoes to guide her as she began her rescue mission. We circled around the building again. We were in high alert mode and on the lookout for the terrorist in the truck.
As Lois and I pulled up to a stop sign on a side street around the back of the building, we almost ran straight into the enemy. Our hearts were pounding. Did he recognize our vehicle? We held our breath as he continued on his way. Once he was out of sight, we headed back to pick up Bobnbob praying that she had survived. As we pulled around front, we saw that Bobnbob was okay and had successfully liberated Gorham's signs. She quickly hopped back into the car and with a big collective sigh of relief, we moved on to our next site.
Seriously, most of these polling sites up there were in trailer parks but the "upscale, gated trailer park" really threw us for a loop. Come on, no training can prepare you for that. We were in the middle of stop, drop and roll near the front gate when we were heard someone speaking to us from behind the gate. An elderly man walking a dog said "I see that you are putting out the right signs." We were caught red-handed attempting to plant a Gorham sign right next to a Ronda (big hair bigot) Storms sign. Bobnbob's reply to the old geezer was "Yeah, that Ronda is a bigot!" Oh my God! Bobnbob had momentarily forgotten that we were still deep in enemy territory. She was caught off guard when he said "Well, Ronda is the only one who came up here and shook everybody's hands." He had mistakenly thought that we were planting Ronda's signs. I had bobnbob's back and offered "But did you know that Stephen served in the Persian Gulf?" He responded saying he served (didn't say where) and "You know...50,000 Islamic Fascists are coming to kill us." I quickly thanked him for his service and we bid him good night and hopped back in the car. We didn't have any time to waste trying to save someone who already a goner. Thank God we left the Shur Fine in the car. We wouldn't want to piss off a bunch of war mongering, racist, old white supremacists.
The rest of our mission went pretty smoothly with the exception of one wrong turn that sent us into a residential neighborhood being guarded by a well lit, large inflatable turkey. Honestly people, what kind of person puts something like that in their yard? We even tried to put ourselves in the spouse's place. Did they even try to put up a fight or did they immediately surrender and let the turkey take over? I guess nobody puts Turkey in the corner.
It was after 1 am when we headed home but along the way, we noticed that some of our most vulnerable candidate's signs had been surrounded at sites along the way, so we unselfishly stopped and rescued and sprayed our team's signs. We went to bed with knots in our stomachs worrying if our mid-term elections would be stolen yet again. But we consoled ourselves with the fact that we did our best. We gave it all we had to give. No regrets.
We woke up the next day cautiously optimistic but also prepared for the worst. We absolutely expected attacks from the right but not from the left. Imagine my surprise when Susan S called me "Pam Bitch!" Susan S had gotten up early and headed out to polling sites to plant signs when she noticed a few of our candidates signs surrounded or knocked out. When she attempted to rescue them, she discovered her hands were full of "Shur Fine." She also angrily mentioned other volunteer incidents.
Sadly, we all knew that casualties were inevitable in our fight for Democracy, but we never dreamed that our simple mission could inflict pain and suffering on one of our own.
I do admit that we had used unconventional weapons to counter terrorism but I will not apologize for defending Democracy. We were simply "The Quiet Professionals" facilitating rapid action based on intelligence gathered at the time.
So all we can do is breathe a collective sigh of relief at the overall outcome of election day and blame the bad on Becker!