Yes, ladies and gentlemen, `tis almost the season to trade in our gay apparel and candy canes for some combat fatigues and M-16s. After years of
plotting, planning and strategizing, we are finally in a position to make our final push toward the North Pole and take out the jolly strongman, Santa Claus. This should be a cakewalk.
Top Secret Battle Plans below: For your eyes, only.
Objective: North Pole Regime Change
It is well understood that Santa is the only obstacle we have in implementing our secularist agenda. Therefore, I have devised a comprehensive plan to detain him. But, it will require a coordinated effort executed flawlessly. So study these plans. There is no room for error.
Step 1: Take out the reindeer.
Not only are these logic-defying flying deer Santa's Air Force, they may also be on stand-by to whisk St. Nick to an undisclosed location.
This may seem like an easy task, but these reindeer are incredibly fast and durable. We have nothing in our conventional arsenal capable of catching them, much less defeating them. Therefore, we must rely on deception. I have contacted our operative who will kidnap the reindeer with the glowing, red nose.
The rest of the reindeer will be sent on a search and rescue mission. When this happens, we will make our move.
Step 2: Subdue the elf population.
Santa's elves are an elite force of toy makers. We must be careful. Some of their toys are capable of putting an eye out.
To attack them directly, when they are at full-strength, would be a suicide mission. However, this will not be a problem with my brilliant plan. I have sent another operative to unionize the elves. This will not only clear the path to Santa Claus, it will also help us further our liberal agenda.
Step 3: Grab Santa
This shouldn't be hard to do once the reindeer and elves are out of the way. We've already contacted Mrs. Clause with our concerns about Santa being to skinny. He should be at the dinner table when we arrive. We'll snatch him, put a black hood over his head and detain him for kangaroo court.
In the event this doesn't work, we have backup ready to deploy on our command.
Step 4: Occupy, bring order to, and rebuild the North Pole.
We'll worry about Step 4 later.
hink