These are strange times we live in.
In the wake of the Democrats' victory in the midterms, I was happy and eager to help our new Congressional majorities get to work solving the problems of our day. So like a rational person, I considered the various things I thought could, and potentially would, be solved over the next two years.
In the process I began to notice that the things which seemed most important to me were not necessarily the things which seemed most important to others in this community. That led to some soul-searching, and I realized today: this just isn't me.
It began when I found myself thinking: "wow, this place has taken a sharp tack towards the silly since the midterms - how are all of these nuts popping out of the woodworks now?"
Whether it's been the obsession with impeachment, a steady stream of "Democrats must do [insert wacky idea here] or all is lost" diaries, a rise in the thread comments berating the capitalist system, or any number of other small things I've noticed, it all points to the fact that I just don't feel comfortable here.
Looking back on some of the diaries I've written and comments I've made really drove the point home. The things I said which I've been least comfortable with in hindsight were invariably the ones best received here and vice versa. That bespeaks a bit of a problem, if you ask me.
For example, I wrote a ridiculously stupid diary in the wee hours of the morning a few weeks ago about the Military Times editorials rebuking Rumsfeld right before the election. I called it a "coup d'etat in America," even though the whole episode was anything but, and almost immediately tried to temper its fanfare by reminding people I wasn't speaking literally. It got to the rec'd list, which I'll admit was a nice ego boost at the time, but I quickly regretted it for being so hyperbolic and alarmist. The crowd loved it, though.
Contrast that with the response to this fairly unpopular sentiment, which suggested that history might have remembered George Bush as a "great" President if only he'd stuck to Afghanistan instead of wandering off into Iraq. I still believe what I said there, and I'm confident that historians who look back and critically analyze this era will come to the same conclusion. No love from the Kossacks for THAT idea! The response was even less pleasant in the comment section when I suggested that history would remember Reagan as a great President, even if not a "legendary" one. The distinction between what history remembers and what we remember was apparantly too much for the community to process, and I was soundly rebuked for the entire exercise.
Another popular diary I wrote this past summer was about the fighting between Israel and the Palestinians that flared up after an Israeli soldier was kidnapped. I was commenting on a particular incident where Israeli jets buzzed the summer home of Syria's President as part of their retaliation. I still think that was a stupid thing for them to do, but what I wrote at the time is simply embarassing when I re-read it to myself. A situation as delicate as that one requires a surgical scalpel, and there I was hacking away with a butcher's knife. All I wanted to say was that it was the wrong move to make and we shouldn't jump to defend that act the way we normally would, letting them take some heat for a bone-headed move. What came out was caustic, insensitive, ignorant and downright stupid. The response from DKos was largely positive at the time...
There are many other examples, but the point is simple: the diaries I've written which best reflect who I am and what I believe, the ones which I can read and re-read and still be confident in, were largely rejected here; while the diaries I've written which cause me to wonder "what was I thinking?!" upon re-inspection have been embraced.
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In considering this conundrum, I had to ask myself how I wrote those "popular" diaries, and where I got those "popular" ideas from. The answer, I found, was really quite simple: I got caught up in things.
I'm young, passionate, fairly intelligent, perhaps a little disillusioned by the post-9/11 world... and in these strange, turbulent, exciting times, I got caught up in the circus and lost myself once in a while. I didn't really believe some of the things I said - in fact I didn't believe quite a lot of the things I said around here, in hindsight - but I said them because I'd gotten caught up by the whole ridiculous affair, and it was fun.
I'm also competetive, though - and I think that explains why I stuck around even though I suppose I knew all along I didn't quite fit in. With the Midterms coming up, it was simply fun to take up a side in one of the biggest competitions of all. Now don't get me wrong - I'm a Democrat (of the moderate liberal variety), so I wasn't totally dispassionate. But the truth of the matter is that I liked the game much more than I liked the player.
In the heat of that competition were said some of the things I'm least proud of - some of the things that least represent who I am and what I stand for. I suppose it's easy to get carried away when you're just typing, but that's no excuse. The diary about Rumsfeld and the Army Times editorials is a perfect example of getting caught up in the moment and being carried away by garbage that I don't actually believe in.
But now the midterms are over, and although the world is still busy with numerous events of varying importance, the wave that carried me is over as well. Without the competition of an election looming (unlike the pundits, I don't find it necessary to start the 2008 race just yet), I'm thinking a lot more clearly and observing my surroundings with a much more discerning eye. And that's what brings us here.
It feels like I've just recovered from a long weekend of partying. With the benefit of sobriety and hindsight, I look back on the things I said and did while intoxicated with the rush of competition here, and all I can think is "this isn't me." It's not who I am, it's not how I think, and it's not what I represent. Sure it was fun, and I learned some valuable lessons, but I'm not one of the people who lives, breathes, and is comfortable with this lifestyle on a permanent basis. Nor do I want to be.
It's time for me to move on from this episode in my life. I'll always remain abreast of politics, and I remain committed to my civic duties, but Daily Kos simply isn't the right platform from which I ought to engage these things. Life's too short for me to spend time where I don't belong, and like I said, this just isn't me.