From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Definition of happiness: channel-surfing on a slow Friday night and discovering an hour of Lewis Black on CNN...
On stem cell research: "It's unbelievable, that frozen embryo thing. Now, how can you say that’s religious? You can't! It's not a religious issue. In what book of the Bible was anything frozen? ... Is there any mention in the Bible of refrigeration? No! So you can't possibly at any time say, 'Oh, y'know, God says...' No, God doesn't say. God, in the Old Testament...he didn't even see freezers coming!
And you know what I did? Since the president thinks they're alive, I've adopted three frozen embryos and I put them in my freezer. And every time when I open it up I go, "You kids stop it!" Because I want to be a good father, but I'm actually going to take them as a tax write-off. And if it works---if I can get it by the Feds the first time---I'm going to adopt hundreds of them. You remember the old Amana freezer where you could buy a cow and dump it in? Well, I'm going to have a billion of 'em in there!"
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On airport security: "This is a true story... I watched this [elderly] woman who was literally in a wheelchair... She's totally immobile, totally. They're going to have to pull her out of the chair and place her in the plane. So, why would you even stop her, y’know? I mean, just get her on the plane...she's immobile! You know when they dog your briefcase to see if you’ve got a bomb in it? They're dogging her to test her to see if she's a bomb!
So I actually went up to them which, as you know, is a big mistake. And I said, 'Excuse me, she is not a bomb. I know you don't have to trust me on this. You don't know me, but she is not a bomb. And I know that you believe that the al Qaeda are masters of disguise, but if she's actually a bomb, this is not terrorism, it's a work of art.'"
Full transcript here. He's also hosting Last laugh '06 Sunday night. Goody goody.
Got my holiday shopping done yet, do ya? Cheers and Jeers starts in There’s Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Note: Today's special in the C&J cafeteria is Putin stew. We suggest you try the deli across the street.
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By the Numbers:
Days ‘til the Iraq Studly Group report comes out: 1
Days ‘til 2007: 27
Amount of money spent on the 2004 midterm elections: $1.6 billion
Amount of money spent on the 2006 midterms: $2 billion
(Source: Washington Post via The Week magazine)
Percent increase in IRS audits of millionaires between 2005 and 2006: +33%
Number of dairy cows in the U.S.: 9 million
Number of audited millionaire dairy cows: 0
Oh, and this...
New England:28 Detroit: 21
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Your Puppy Pic of the Day: Caution! Side effects of clicking your mouse may include death by cute.
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CHEERS to snail-mail democracy. (via Crooks and Liars) In today's must-read Oregon Secretary of State Bill Bradbury makes a mighty persuasive argument for voting by mail:
The system has proven to be fraud-free. Oregon is one of only two states in the nation to verify every single voter signature against the signature on that voter's registration card. Our process is transparent and open to observation. Finally, the returned paper ballots, which are the official record of the election, can be recounted by hand.
With voting by mail, Oregon's turnout is consistently among the highest of any state without same-day voter registration. We don't suffer with long lines at polling places, with voter harassment or intimidation, with fears about malfunctioning or easily hacked voting machines, or from lack of a paper trail. ...Voting by mail is also a cost-effective way to run elections, costing taxpayers about 30 percent less than polling-place elections.
Election days were originally scheduled on Tuesdays because that was when farmers brought their crops into town to sell. Today on an average Tuesday people balance multiple jobs, soccer practice and child care. Voting by mail gives them ample opportunity to stay engaged in our most crucial democratic process.
And if you get nostalgic for the old voting-booth milieu, no problem. Just fill out the ballot behind your shower curtain.
GOOD RIDDANCE to John Bolton. Despite a desperate plea from his wife to keep him away from home a bit longer, the U.S. Hater of the U.N. joins Brownie, Powell, Rumsfeld et al. on the growing scrapheap of exiled Bush administration failures. Good luck with that mall Santa gig in Hackensack, buddy.
JEERS to the worst of the worst. Columbia University professor Eric Foner says President Bush is our Worst President Ever for some good reasons: He's "stubborn, narrow-minded, unwilling to listen to criticism or to consider alternatives to disastrous mistakes" like Pierce, Buchanan, and Andrew Johnson. He's "channeling money and favors to big business" like Harding and Coolidge. He displays "disdain for the Constitution and abuse of presidential power" like Nixon. And toss in Polk's "unprovoked attack" on Mexico for good measure. So, to summarize: Last in war. Last in peace. And last in the hearts of his countrymen. Heckuva job.
JEERS to yuletide brewhahas. As if they have nothing else to worry about, the Maine Bureau of Liquor Enforcement says no sale to Santa's Butt beer. The label, which shows the jolly old elf enjoying a brewski, could corrupt children, you see. And we have enough Republicans running around already.
CHEERS to Howard Dean: International Man of Mystery. U.S. News & World Report says our favorite DNC chair is a rock star outside the U.S.:
[T]hey're eating him up like sweet Vermont maple syrup in Canada and overseas. Party bigs say the former Vermont guv is headed to Europe to cheer on liberal parties in England, Spain, and Portugal. His keynote address this month to Canada's beleaguered Liberal Party, fans say, was just a warm-up. Dean's message: Show folks like England's Laborites how to remake their top-down outfits into grassroots organizations just as he did at the Democratic National Committee.
Rule #1: put up a cricket bat!
JEERS to Rummy madness. Oh, the blogs are hoppin' mad after someone wrapped a gold medal around his neck without actually strangling him. But if you read the inscription carefully, you'll see it's for finally winning a senior squash game. Without cheating. Much.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
We interrupt this blog to bring you another entry in the C&J One-word Advice Line. TIME magazine asks:
Can Bush Find An Exit?
No.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers!
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to a night on the town. Two "ice groomer jockeys" in Boise, Idaho were fired after driving a couple Zambonis (top speed: 5mph) to Burger King in the middle of the night. It was reckless! It was foolish! It was dangerous! My turn, my turn!
JEERS to delayed reactions. Three and a half years after invading Iraq, President Bush finally met with a major Shiite leader from the world's #1 exporter of dead American soldiers. There was a brief moment of tension when Bush's handlers realized they'd forgotten his phonetics flash cards. Fortunately Abdul Aziz Hakim was staring up a reporter's skirt when he was referred to as the "shit head." And they all lived happy ever after.
CHEERS to nervous bamboo shoots. Although there's much to be done environmentally to make their return to the wild feasible, the world’s panda population is staging a comeback. Since 1990 the number in captivity has tripled to 212, and now some pandas in China are being released. And I want one for Christmas.
JEERS to an inconvenient #!$%^#! truth. A few days ago it was 60 degrees in Portland. This morning it's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra face down in a snow bank. You penguins get offa my lawn!
CHEERS to being late. Last Friday's rare evening edition of C&J was, to quote William Hurt in Broadcast News, "Like... GREAT SEX!" Shall we do it again, west coasters? Hello? Hello?? Oh yeah, they're still asleep. A lazy, elitist, surfer-slacker, mop-head, struggling-actor-up-too-late-with-Jack-Daniels kind of sleep. My people.
P.S. When they finally roust themselves, would somebody tell 'em to mark the first and third Fridays of the month on their calendar as "C&J Pacific-Time Rave?" Markos has given us the green light to go late. He'll leave the key under the lava lamp.
CHEERS to summer in December. On the DVD release slate today are hot-weather hits Miami Vice with Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx as the Ambiguously Gay Duo, and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. As soon as I get through this midterm phone-bank list I'm gonna have to get caught up on the flickers. "Hello, Margaret? Did you know Olympia Snowe had six children out of wedlock? Yes, it's true. This November 7th, vote for the Democrat...Whatzerhoosie. Good bye." Only 250 to go...
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One Year Ago in C&J: December 5, 2005...
JEERS to America the vulnerable. Nearly four years after the twin towers came down, the co-chairs of the 9/11 commission say George W. Bush---the guy who ran exclusively on a platform of keeping America safe---has done nothing to make us feel safer. Well, that's not entirely true---he has left the country a few times.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to coming home for the holidays. I read last week that 92 percent of all frequent flier miles aren’t ever redeemed. So here's a good idea: go to the Fisher House website. There you can donate your frequent flier miles to help soldiers wounded in Iraq or Afghanistan fly home after their treatment...or help their loved ones fly to them. I hardly ever fly, but if it's any help I'll be happy to donate all 30,000 of my frequent-crawl-home-after-last-call miles.
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today’s Shameless Testimonial:
"Bill in Portland stands his ground on argument and data and facts, but he does not have a confrontational personality like Rumsfeld does."
---Fritz Ermarth
Former CIA official
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