Anybody else see this? I think it has yet to hit the AP.
April 1, 2006, Washington DC
President Bush issued an apology today to the world for the last 5 years of his presidency. Apparently the whole thing has been an enormous mistake.
A very relieved and relaxed looking White House press secretary Scott McClellan offered this explanation. "Apparently the president found some mushrooms growing in his horse pasture many years ago and tried them scrambled with his morning eggs. He liked them so much that they have been a staple ever since. Since none of the upstanding moral people who work for the president had ever seen 'Altered States' we had no idea that a simple mushroom could have side effects. It was only because the president changed to a daily bowl of high fiber cereal a few days ago that we figured it out at all."
McClellan continued, "Obviously, there will be some policy changes. We'll fire John Bolton-who really thought he was a good idea for the UN after all-and get the UN involved in securing Iraq. A formal apology to Iran and North Korea for the 'Axis of Evil' comment will be forthcoming."
"And who really thinks that cutting taxes on the super-rich is going to help the economy? It would have really been nice if someone had pointed out back then that the idea was obviously the product of a drug-addled mind. If we had found the problem back then it would have saved a lot of trouble around the world. We'll be recinding that first thing Monday."
"Donald Rumsfeld has already been asked to resign, as has Kerl Rove. Since Dick Cheney was elected, the president has to work with him, but he will be spending most of his time in an undisclosed location where he can't just give contracts to Halliburton without bid."
"We will appoint a Truth and Reconcilliation commission to go over all the details that I am skipping at the moment. There are so many things the president is deeply ashamed about, and realizes were wrong. It will take some time to go through all of them and see what corrective action we can take."
McClellan did not take many questions, but when asked how he felt replied "I'm just glad I don't have to lie to America anymore-that was very stressful".