I'm an SUV owner. And millions of kittens suffer because of it.
I confess, I'm an SUV owner. I know what you're thinking: "Now where did I put that Molotov cocktail?" But wait, I want to apologize. I want to throw myself on the mercy of the Goddess of Hummus and say that I am a sinner and a fool. Let me sacrifice myself with no mercy in a neo Christ-like fashion so that there will be nothing left to flame.
First of all I drive more than 8000 miles a year and my Isuzu Rodeo only gets 17 miles to the gallon. That's right, I selfishly use 470 gallons of gasoline a year, and that's not even rounding up. Look at it this way: A NASCAR stock car only burns up 125 gallons or so in a 500 lap race. That means I'm almost as bad a four NASCAR race drivers put together! Unconscionable.
Next, I just got back from visiting my parents on a 600 mile trip. That's inexcusable in itself, being I should only burn gas for weddings and funerals, and believe me, being a loving son is nothing compared to the guilt and lost sleep over the gas I wasted. I only get 21 MPG on the highway, so that's 28 gallons of fuel in one weekend. And that's not even rounding up.
Please do not rush to my defense on this. You'll only get crushed by those that know more than you. You'll post your little comment, and you'll get hammered.
It's hard to argue with that, isn't it? Let's continue.
People have rightly pointed out that cars are useless, and we are spoiled for having them. For instance, did you know Helena, Montana has a subway? I haven't researched it yet, but why can't those people use the resources available to them? Ridiculous.
And let's not mince words here. Let's talk about the people that are even worse than me: People in L.A. Do you know that they spend 50 hours a year stuck in traffic just burning the gasoline like it was gasoline pita bread . I'll bet they drive SUV's too. Bastards.
Let's move on. Nothing to see here but body parts.
People have rightly pointed out that I don't need an SUV. For instance, what am I going to do with a cargo hold? Am I too good to have a trunk? Ooh, I got the trunk on the inside of the vehicle, isn't that the most selfish thing you've ever heard? Instead of buying an SUV, just borrow someone else's whenever you need it. They'll thank you and you will save the environment just by yourself.
And people have rightly complained that bigger vehicles can crush smaller ones. Us SUV owners will then wrongly survive an auto accident, propagating the earth with our Earth-hating SUV species, driving to pickup the sofas we buy instead of using a bike with a basket on the handlebars. No, no, don't start...
Look at the angst I've saved you. Another well rebutted argument against this tripe.
So let us crush our SUVs, and use the money we save to buy a fleet of hybrid buses to help transport orphaned kittens, those poor little orphaned kittens, to a kindly cinder block building to get them spayed or neutered.
And let us stop blaming scapegoat oil companies, innocent Middle Eastern oil cartels, stretch Hummer drivers who just have to work, yacht owners who need to relieve the stress, retirees who worked their whole life so they can take an RV to Branson, people like Dick Cheney who are hard working on our energy plan, and our brave astronauts who need to go to Mars.
Blame me instead.