There are ways that having a child changes your life. One unfortunate thing about this is that you become tied to the capitalist system that we are in, unable to escape due to the necessity (be it biological, spiritual, or moral) to care for this wonderful child.
Now I look at the world, here and abroad. After much meditation, I see that I bring death. The images that seep into my memory; African children starving, Men killing our troops in Iraq after their families are destroyed by our bombing campaigns, Genocide in Darfur, the fear and hatred on television, and the murders in the United States I pour into my mind on a daily basis.
The weapons of war: Halliburton, Raytheon, Lockheed Martin. Why do I stand by idle? I have student loans to pay off, obligations. I have bills to pay, mouths to feed. I have been looking at this world from a different perspective lately, and haven't been finding it any easier to deal with the consequences of the death that I deal out, the system that I am involved in.
But I am still here.
When I look at all this death, I understand that the system that I am a part of is the ultimate cause. The peoples of Africa were overwhelmingly peaceful, like the Native Americans, before European Civilization arrived, and changed the ways of its peoples. Divide and conquer was always the way of imperial Britain. If one group denies, then find another that will not. There is always someone who is barbaric enough to kill his brother for power, weapons, etc. This is the game that the government that I pay taxes to has played for years.
Latin American countries, where we have given weapons to militaristic groups in an attempt to overthrow governments. This was more successful in the past, but seems to be failing today. The Iran-Iraq war, where at least a million people died, if not more. We supplied both sides. The massive count of HIV deaths in Africa; also preventable, but now my tax dollars go to prevent the use of one of the tools that could save these people, condoms and effective sexual education. Darfur, where weapons developed by Western nations are used to subjugate relatively peaceful peoples.
These are my tax dollars at work.
Looking at Saudi Arabia, when you look at the actions of the country, simply the way that they treat the women, that is enough for me to never put another dollar towards their economy. The same is true of so many other nations in the area. I cannot respect the ways that they choose to interpret their religion. I still drive my car. My dollars, my decision, I aid foriegn governments in the continued slavery and imprisonment of women. Let's call it what it is. It is sick, and I am responsible.
I turn my head away, and towards developing world slave labor. I see people working in factories where they make my clothing for a few cents an hour. I see illness and mistreatment. It is cheaper to have people work in these conditions than to have slave labor. They do not attempt to escape, they must feed themselves and take care of their own health. This is my capitalist contribution at work.
Although I am trying to eliminate some of these things from my life, what can I do? What is the best choice? When I see a dead [Iraqi] child, it does not matter what language they spoke. I cry, I am sickened. This is my work. I am trying to change the points of views of people that do not see the world this way, that believe that we somehow are deserving. When I speak here, I am simply speaking to the choir.
There are so many options, so many things that I must change. It is so hard for me now. I owe money, my reverse dowry: college. I must get to work (and my drive isn't too long). I have a spiritual need to love and care for my daughter, but I must end the pain that I cause.
Until them, I am death. I am pestilence. I am war and famine. Every dollar pulled from my paycheck to the feds. And also from my daughters when she grows up, if this system continues to exist, to pay off the sins of today. I must make changes, but that will always be tomorrow. I am not depressed, but introspection does some terrible things.