Dear Secretary Chertoff:
I read in the New York Times that you've asked military contractors to submit proposals for high-tech methods of securing the Mexican border (unmanned surveillance planes, etc.).
It is with great pride and pleasure that I submit my bid.
My company, MJ Enterprises (incorporation pending), is composed of individuals with many years of experience in various fields somewhat related to the project. Although it's true that my proposal probably isn't as technology-oriented as the ones you'll be receiving from Lockheed Martin, Raytheon, and Northrop Grumman in two weeks, I am confident that it will be far less costly and quite a bit more effective, not to mention more creative. Indeed, although I don't wish to sound dismissive of my fellow military contractors, I firmly believe that any idiot could see that what these companies are proposing won't work (Lockheed Martin's "Tethered Aerostat Radar" project is absolutely hysterical - tell me with a straight face that you Homeland Security guys don't see the problem with that big Blimp not working on windy days!! The Mexicans must be laughing their asses off!!).
Therefore, for the purposes of maximizing effectiveness, my proposal takes the "three big walls" concept previously proposed by some House members and incorporates advanced technology into it. Given that defense contractors normally experience massive cost overruns and contract delays, I'm certain my guys would beat the defense contractors by a mile. My major sub-contractors (Gene's Fencing, Scotia, NY; Johnson & Sons Construction, Schenectady, NY; and my brother-in-law's firm, A1 Masonry of Bethpage, NY) are reputable businesses (NYS Contractor Licenses attached) and are raring to get going on the project.
Before going into the specifics of the proposal, I'd like to confirm the following:
- It is my assumption, given the sudden hysteria to do something quick, that Iraq Reconstruction Rules will apply to the project (i.e., no penalties for failure to perform, no contract oversight, large amounts of untraceable cash payments and "incentives" made available as necessary). Please advise immediately as to whether this assumption is correct - if not, I will need to make a few adjustments to my bid (particularly with respect to my brother-in-law's piece of this).
- I am new to military contracting and therefore unfamiliar with customary practices. Please advise as to what percentage of my profit I will be expected to donate to Republican political candidates, sitting politicians, fake issue-advocacy front groups, and the like. For the purposes of preparing the bid on time, I inflated my costs by 10%. I have a feeling this may be on the low side however.
- Since my proposal is "wall-oriented", it will - unfortunately - be labor-intensive. Please note that all labor cost figures quoted herein are based of the use of Mexican labor. Should adequate numbers of Mexican laborers not be available down there, or should there be some factor that would preclude me using cheap Mexican labor, of which I am currently unaware, please multiply the dollar amount of the bid by 3.
- I will need a 20% deposit immediately upon contract signing, preferably in gold bullion (the dollar is sinking too rapidly to allow me to accept cash - sorry).
OVERVIEW
The project will be composed of three phases:
- Phase I will consist of the 20-foot-tall steel fence and the aqua-based dissuasion/elimination area (moat) that will be built behind it (provision of alligators responsibility of US).
- Phase II will consist of the brick wall with barbed-wire topping and interspersed heat-seeking laser guns and the preparation of the combination crushed glass/upright nail beds/ electric shock dispensers in the 30-foot field immediately behind.
- Phase III will consist of the cement wall with sticky substance applied to the south-facing side. (Note: With the help of my friend Patti, who teaches Chemistry at Niskayuna High School, we have developed a bio-engineered honey-based substance for use in this application. Additional testing is underway to ensure the provision of a non-injurious method of prying-off the Mexicans).
Optional Project Add-Ons: Brainstorming among my project team members has produced several ideas you may wish to consider:
- If you would like, we can build bunkhouses out from on the north side of the Phase III walls, for the purpose of housing visiting National Guard personnel. During non-Election seasons, these could be rented out to tourists to help defray project costs.
- In light of the tourism-related success of previous walls (e.g., Wailing, Berlin, Great), we believe the tourism angle should be further explored. Given the kind of video games people play these days, there may be an opportunity to make money by offering tours of the facility (e.g., we could build glass-enclosed observation areas into the Phase II and III walls so people could watch as the Mexicans try to evade the alligators, laser guns, etc.). Also, the revenue-generating possibilities of the north side of the Phase III wall should not be ignored (e.g., billboards).
- Should you wish to make the project more palatable to the Mexican government, we could investigate incorporating aesthetic enhancements to the Phase I (fence barrier) portion of the project, which is the part the Mexicans will see. In preparing the fence portion of the bid, we consulted with personnel at the Home Depot on Route 7 in Schenectady, NY: They advised that there are many attractive design elements that could be incorporated into the fence (finials, etc.). This would, however, raise costs. Alternatively, we could incorporate artwork. For example, my daughter - who's very artistic and will be handling all the aesthetic elements of the project - suggested the creation of large murals attached all along the length of the fence: Copied from actual photos of the ground-level view looking into the US, these would completely disguise the wall from a distance. If the revenue-generating angle is more appealing to you, however, we could work with Goya and other companies to incorporate attractively-designed billboards into the design, in lieu of the landscape murals.
Needless to say, my project team and I are extremely excited by the prospect of working with the US government on this critically important initiative. Should you have any questions or require additional information concerning my bid, please do not hesitate to call.
.