So, to preface, I should note a few things:
1. I, along with georgia10, among many, many others, am receiving some form of post-graduate degree in the next week. (You should go over to the georgia tribute diary linked on the name to leave some congrats to her). I still have 4 days worth of work left, but as long as I pass my classes, I get my degree.
2. The diary title is a reference to James Joyce. As it turns out, I'm a distant relative of Joyce, through Adolphe Menjou (Menjou sold out other actors during the Blacklist period... so in some weird way, I consider my own actions as some sort of karmic turnaround, if you believe in that sort of thing)
So my actual journey to where I am now began about 2 and a half years ago, probably around November of 2003. I was freaked out of my mind about my future prospects. As a political science major at a New England liberal arts institution, the fear I had was that my degree wasn't going to get me as far as I wanted to go. I got the whacked out idea into my head that getting a PhD in Political Science would be exactly what I needed, because it would allow me to continue talking about and doing waht I wanted to do. Little did I know that this would not only be the most stressful time of my life, but it would also be the most life-changing.
After submitting applications to five schools (UMass, UConn, Penn State, Maryland, and BC), I received acceptances from two: UMass and UConn. UConn only offered me acceptance into the MA program, while UMass offered me acceptance into the PhD program. Me, a 22-year-old kid who had next to no experience in research? In retrospect, this was and still is surprising. My real desire was to be a TA, to teach and get people as excited about the world around me as I was. As I would find, this would be the only thing I enjoyed about my first year of graduate school.
On reaching UMass, reality struck. I went into the program naive to what I wanted to do, and what my strengths and weaknesses were in terms of courses and analysis. Furthermore, without any real experience in graduate level work, I had next to no idea about how to better form research questions and write effective papers, instead falling back on my skills from undergrad. Of course, this didn't work. Also, the fact I was undergrad-sick was weighing me down greatly.
Simply put, it didn't work out well. By the end of the first semester, my GPA was below the threshold required to keep TAships, and I had also crashed and burned in a theory course devoted to Foucault. It wasn't pretty, and I was frustrated. I could not understand why my work, which had been so great in undergrad, was considereed sub-par at this level. With some help from my professors, I got myself on track, but my love of the work was waning.
The only thing that got me through the semester was my TAing. I loved it, though mostly because I loved trying to get my enthusiasm for the subject of politics out on the students, most of whom were somewhere between 1 and 3 years younger than me. Throughout my year of TAing, I kept my politics out of the classroom, only so they could develop their own opinions and understandings about the world around them (save for the time I ripped judicial originalism for being total crap, but in more eloquent language). I used "The Simpsons" and Senatorial campaign ads to best understand campaigns. The Carson/Coburn race was particularly fun to use, because it helped my students reaize that politicians run in all shapes and sizes. On Congress, I showed them the wonders of the MLB Steroid hearings, British Question Time, and asked the hypothetical question of what Zach Morris would do as a Congressman. Simply put, I helped enlighten them on their work, while injecting some fun. So, I loved it.
However, my grades were not helping me. I did improve markedly in my second semester, but I still was not loving the work, and by the beginning of May, I was informed that I had lost my TA funding through the department. This was coupled with the realization on my part that I didn't like the work. So, I went through this past year working to finish this degree off, with the
However, for all the crap I've been through, I'm still in love with this stuff. For all of the over-analysis, for all of the weird, abstract stuff that I have no understanding of, and for all of the problems and frustration I have dealt with, I still love this stuff. Why? I blame this place and other places like it. The discussion, the working towards change, the constant work done by so many people here both on the internet and out in the real world has all inspired me greatly. What I was not getting in class I was getting on the internet. I will admit, I have had at least one good, non-crazy abstract class this semester, but for the most part, I've felt constrained, and realized I wanted to get out and do something that could better society.
So, on this early Monday morning, with another 10 or so pages, plus lots of editing left in my graduate career, I sit wondering about all that I've been through, and where I am now. There's a slight chance that I may not pass these classes, but I'm keeping it positive. I am about to get a degree that I may never be able to use, and that, because of a lack of "experience" due to getting said degree, I'm going to have a problem finding a job for awhile. I've had people mock me for this point, to the point where relatives wonder aloud why I'd want to move to a city like Boston, or New York, or DC, or elsewhere, and why I don't want to stay in Springfield and work at MassMutual (that's not going to happen). However, I'm still positive. I wil find a job. I will do what I like. I will do something that can help people, and I'll even get $ together so I can live and pay off my college loans.
My logic on this is simple: We all have our own paths. We all have reasons for being here, and what we do here. This community exists and perpetuates because we have a purpose. We also manifest that purpose in different ways. I've decided to try to get into non-profits or elsewhere in the political spectrum, working to either help people or to get people elected. I'm tired, just as you all are, of a President who doesn't care, a media that doesn't listen, a Congress that rubber-stamps, of a party that does horrible things to average Americans, and a party that doesn't fight back as much as it should. My path will continue here after I receive that document in a few weeks (they give provisional degrees on Saturday). I was once told by one of my friends that my path was to help "save the world". I didn't really understand that until recently.
So, in closing, this diary may be a whining tribute to my own insanity, but it's also a reminder. For all we go through, for all the Meta fights, the snark, the troll rating, the other crap, there's a reason we're here, a reason we fight, and a reason we work to make our country and our world a better place. For all the shit I've been through, for the grades, the rejection, the lack of a love or social life (though I hope those winds are changing), I wouldn't change a thing. Because I found my path. Now my question is, what's yours?