It struck me, upon reading Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez's experiences and Lou Dobb's bugshit insanity that perhaps we (we being the "Um, how about we talk about reform rather than hunting down all the non-Caucasians like rabid dogs" crowd) have been addressing this issue all wrong. Maybe the best thing to do is simply agree with their points... then watch their heads explode like eggs in a microwave.
More under the cut.
Observe.
The problem with immigration is that all the illegal kids wind up in our schools, sucking away education dollars.
I see! Your problem is less with immigration, and more with the huge budget cuts to public education that are crippling the future of our nation's youth! You're saying we need to be focusing less on the obscene costs of the failed Iraqi war and more on fully funding education so that everyone can get ahead! I completely agree. You are so smart.
The problem with immigration is that the illegals don't learn English.
I see! Your problem is less with immigration, and more with the fact that the federal government froze funding for English training programs! You're saying we need to fully fund both Limited English Proficiency programs in schools and English as a Second Language programs for adults, as well as increasing funding for foreign language classes for English-speaking citizens, so that language is never a barrier for anyone! I completely agree. You are so smart.
The problem with immigration is that illegals don't have insurance, so they flood the ERs.
I see! Your problem is less with immigration, and more with the health care crisis that has so many millions of people in this country uninsured! You're saying that we should be having serious national discussions about ways to ensure that everyone has access to inexpensive health care, so we can stop being the only industrialized country in the world that doesn't consider access to a doctor to be a right! I completely agree. You are so smart.
The problem with immigration is that the illegals are taking jobs and driving down wages.
I see! Your problem is less with immigration, and more with the stagnating economy that has been creating money for the last five years almost solely based on selling each other houses, and with the greedy corporations that have been maximizing profits by exploiting both native- and foreign-born workers! You're saying we should stop relying on "trickle-down" policies and focus more on helping the economy through programs and other measures, while raising minimum wages and stringently enforcing labor laws! That way, everyone who wants to work can find work, and everyone who finds work can feed themselves and their families! I completely agree. You are so smart.
The problem with immigration is that illegals don't pay taxes.
I see! Your problem is less with immigration, and more with the lack of a path to citizenship for the people who wish to become members of the United States! You're saying that we should acknowledge that we have eleven million people in this country that live here and want to become citizens, and put a system in place that would allow them to become recognized Americans! Then they would all be paying taxes! I completely agree. You are so smart.
The problem with immigration is that terrorists might be entering the country illegally.
I see! Your problem is less with immigration, and more with the underfunding of domestic counterterrorism necessities! You're saying that, instead of focusing on fighting wars in places that were never a threat to us, we should be allocating the necessary funding to secure our ports, keep our police officers and firefighters at the ready, and undertake sensible security investigations rather than wasting the FBI's time with thousands of ill-gotten wiretaps! I completely agree. You are so smart.
The problem with immigration is that lots of brown people are coming into our country.
I see! Your problem is less with immigration, and more with the fact that you're a bigoted, nativist asshole! I completely agree. And at least you're being honest about it now.
See? Simple and fun!
Warning: It should be noted that I do, personally, agree that there is a need for immigration reform. But H.R. 4437 and similar measures sure as hell ain't it.