Washington, DC (Snark) -- Senate Democrats declined to stage a filibuster of President George W. Bush's latest judicial nomination, that of his trusty horse, Whitey, to the District of Columbia Court of Appeals. The horse was confirmed by a 57-36 vote, with several Democrats abstaining, and Bush welcomed him to the federal bench and trough.
"A lot of people said Whitey was a conservative, controversial choice for the federal bench," said Bush, in a Rose Garden ceremony this morning. "But I'm proud to call one of my oldest and best friends a member of the judicial branch now."
Bush slapped Whitey's shoulder and praised his mane. "Some people have expressed concern that he flops to the right," said the former frontman for a string of failed business ventures, including oil, baseball, politics, and Iraq. "Those are people who don't know me, and don't know Whitey. Whitey's always been one of my closest friends, and if his mane flops to the right, then maybe that's because it's right, or he's right. Right for this job, is what I'd say, and I'm the decider, so what I say, goes."
Senate Democrats had initially proposed filibustering Whitey because of his lack of experience as a judge, poor qualifications in grooming, eating, and social intercourse, and tendency to buck riders unless they were fellow conservatives. "I'm still not sure it's a good idea to put the President's horse on an appellate court," said Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV). "But I couldn't get the party to agree on a strategy, and when I suggested to Bush that his legal counsel, Harriet Miers, might make a good judge, he just said, 'Been there, done that.' and I had to give up."
Anonymous Democratic strategists were quick to claim credit for letting Whitey win confirmation. "That horse is a monster," said one aide who declined to be named. "He went into the Judiciary Committee hearing room and took the biggest dump you've ever seen, right there in front of Kennedy's chair. That takes balls, and we didn't get where we are, as a long-standing timid minority, by arguing with anyone who's got that kind of balls. If you'll excuse me, I've got a primary to go prepare my boss for, and we're already measuring curtains for our new offices when we get a majority."
Former Judiciary chairman Orrin Hatch (R-UT) was cheered by the vote. "I'm relieved that my colleagues on the other side of the aisle have resisted the urge to play politics with this nomination, because President Bush has repeatedly told us that he's a uniter, and the more they unite under him, the better it is for us. Oh, my god, what's that smell? I hope he didn't drop that in front of my chair."
Liberal bloggers were philosophical about the choice and tactics employed by Senate Democrats. "At least he didn't appoint him to the Senate," said one. "That'd be straight out of ancient Rome. I'm still trying to figure out whether you can say, 'Fuck him and the horse he rode in on!' about a horse."
In other, totally unrelated news, Bush judicial nominee Brett Kavanaugh, a former Starr/Lewinsky attorney and Bush Administration political lackey, was confirmed to the D.C. Court of Appeals by an identical vote of 57-36 (tally here). Four Democrats (Byrd, Carper, Landrieu, and Ben Nelson) voted for Kavanaugh, while five others (Boxer, Conrad, Inouye, Rockefeller, and Salazar) were absent. Kavanaugh had been considered unlikely to win approval under the terms of a deal cut by the "gang of fourteen" when Bill Frist threatened to break Senate rules to bar filibusters of judicial nominations. Before the deal, Democrats had helped confirm 97% of Bush's judicial nominees; since then, however, only 100% of Bush's nominees have been confirmed by vote.