"Tell me what you blog and I'll tell you who you are."
-- Berners-Lee
Four years ago, a man's fantasy became reality in a form never seen before, Network Stadium, a giant blogging arena. The motivation for spending his fortune to create network stadium was to encounter new, original writing, which could be called true, artistic creations. To realize his dream, he started choosing the top authors of various styles of writing and he named his writers the
Iron Bloggers, the invincible masters of blogging skill. Iron Blogger PolicyWonk is Masaharu Morimoto, Iron Blogger Rant is Hiroyuki Sakai, and Masahiko Kobe is Iron Blogger Snark. Network stadium is the arena where Iron Bloggers await the challenges of master bloggers from all over the world. Both the Iron Blogger and challenger have one hour to tackle the theme of the day. Using all their senses, skills, creativity, they're to prepare artistic works never read before. And if ever a blogger wins over the Iron Bloggers, he or she will gain the people's ovation, and fame forever. Every battle, reputations are on the line in Network Stadium, where master bloggers pit thier artistic creations against each other. What inspiration will today's challenger bring, and how will the Iron Bloggers fight back?
The heat will be on!
<commercial break>
Today's challenger is an experienced troll.
Raised on a steady diet of right-wing talking points
...
He entered the online world by trolling Usenet
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Seven years ago, at the young age of 14, he became a regular poster at FreeRepublic
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Three years ago, at the age of 17, he struck out on his own, starting a solo blog.
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He has been banned three times from dailykos, been called 'too extreme' for RedState, and can sometimes string three sentences together coherently. Welcome to Network Stadium RtWgTroll3!
<troll creates account>
And who will RtWgTroll4 challenge? We summon the Iron Bloggers. Now, logging in to Network Stadiums are the Iron Bloggers, those champions of the internet world, those maestros of writing!
And which will the RtWgTroll5 challenge?
...
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Snark. It's Iron Blogger Snark.
<voiceover>
"Iron Blogger Snark learned his trade at the feet of noted humorists in Britain, Germany, and Switzerland. He then apprenticed at the legendary Temple of Snark in the highlands of Tibet, studying with the great masters of Snark. For the last three years, he has been amusing readers of his blog with his fearless command of sarcasm, odd metaphors, and devastating one-liners."
And now, the Chairman unveils today's theme.
"If memory serves me right, today's challenger has earned his fame by creating flamewars that overwhelmed the best moderation systems. Today, we have a theme that will challenge his abilities"
<whips cover off monitor>
META
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ALLEZ BLOG!
Announcer:"And they're off! Today in the announcer's booth, we have our resident blogging expert, Doctor Yukio Hattori. Visiting today is noted young actress The Giggler. Doc, what can we expect to see today?"
Doc:"Well, meta is a difficult theme, especially for an outsider like RtWgTroll6. It really rewards an insider, one who knows the subtleties of Network Stadium. I hate to say it, but I think the Iron Blogger has the edge here, even before the judging"
Announcer:"Thanks, Doc. Now, Giggler, have you ever tried meta?"
Gig:"tee-hee"
Announcer:"Looks like Iron Blogger is first out of the gate with the first helping of meta. Let's go to Ohta on the floor to see what's going on. Ohta!"
Ohta:"Well, the Iron Blogger has taken the meta, and is mixing it with a Top Ten list."
Doc:"Well, that's a signature move for Iron Blogger Snark. He used it to great effect last week during the Budget Deficit battle."
Gig:"Teehee"
Ann:"The challenger has started to make a move. He's taken the meta, and it looks like he's trying to saute it in olive oil with foie gras. That's an unusual approach. Doc?"
Doc:"Well, I have to admit, that's a new one for me. Maybe he thinks that this is a cooking contest. I must say, though, that keyboard made some pretty sparks when it hit the oil. Still, it's hard to go wrong with foie gras."
Ann:"Thanks, Doc. And now, let's get back to the Iron Blogger. It looks like he's searching for some links for his post. Let's go to Ohta!"
Ohta:"Yes, the Iron Blogger has told me that he's searching for the right pootie picture to use. You'll have to ask Doc about that."
Doc:"Ah yes, pootie. That's a type of cat. Quite tasty once roasted cute. Iron Blogger Snark is the only one of the Iron Bloggers who has the right touch for pootie. I remember that Iron Blogger PolicyWonk tried the pootie route in a post back in the warrantless wiretapping battle, and it just didn't work."
Ann:"Thanks, Doc. And now, it looks like we're getting some real action on the challenger's side. That looks like a rant of some sort. Ohta?"
Ohta: "Yes, it's a rant. I asked the challenger what's in it, and he told me to piss off. But he did say that it was about censorship"
Doc:"Yes, censorship is one of the classic dishes made from meta. I wonder where he's going with that one, though. It's going to be hard to do anything original with a censorship rant."
Ann:"Well, we'll see"
Gig:"Teehee"
Otha:"I just talked with the Iron Blogger, and he told me that he was working on a strained analogy to a cult-hit television show"
Ann:"Well, that's different"
<commercial>
Ann:"Well, that's different"
Otha:"I tried to talk to the challenger again, and he just grunted at me. He said something about McCarthyism and screen shots."
Doc:"It looks like the challenger is constructing his entire menu post around the censorship idea. It's an interesting concept; most bloggers can't keep the censorship idea going for more than a few paragraphs. We'll see if he has what it takes."
Starship Enterprise Computer:"Two minutes remaining"
Ann:"Well, we're down to the final stretch. I see the Iron Blogger is doing a last check for spelling and grammar. But what about the challenger? Ohta?"
Ohta:"He said that spelling is for wimps, and he'd rather spend the time finishing up his section on Nazis."
Doc: "Interesting"
Gig:"Titter"
Ann:"And they're both typing like crazy, and we're at ten seconds left. Five seconds. And there's the bell. The battle is over."
Ohta:"Iron Blogger, how do you think you did?"
IB:"Well, meta is a difficult theme, especially for Snark. Still, I think I did OK. I think I'll win. I mean, look at the challenger."
Ohta:"Hmmm. Good point. Now, let's talk with the challenger."
Ohta:"Challenger, how did your posts come out?"
Troll: "@#$%@$ admins deleted my comments. #$%#$%$ censoring Nazis!"
Ohta:"Heh. Well, a nice preview of the challenger's post"
<voiceover, camera pans over LCD monitors filled with text>
"Challenger RightWingTroll7 presents a single meta post "Censorship" consisting of a rant about administrators suppressing free speech, flavored with mentions of McCarthyism and covered with a sauce of Nazi comparisons. Sprigs of profanity garnish the post."
"Iron Blogger Snark answers with a pair of posts. The first, "Top ten meta sins" uses the power and elegance of minimalism to communicate the essence of meta. The second, "Meta up, or the cat dies" is a throwback to the classics of the Snark Blogger, updated for the present by the strong flavoring of meta that pervades the wording."
And now, let's see what the judges have to say...