The Colbert speech debate continues. Some say he was speaking truth to power, but that's really giving too much credit to Bush and to the media. Others contend that Colbert was over the top, crossed the line, was rude and disrespectful. Clearly these people don't understand the concept of rude. If anything, Colbert was restrained and tame. But he did sting. And anything less would have been uncivilized in a country with this reckless administration and toothless press.
To help advance the debate, the following speech was prepared to show true disrespect for all concerned. It's over the top. But hopefully this will help convince those critics of Colbert to see what rude really is.
A TRULY DISRESPECTFUL CORRESPONDENTS' DINNER SPEECH: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I need to make one thing clear. This speech was vetted by the CIA, FBI, the DOD, the NSA and a dozen agencies no one knows about. Joe Wilson even spent eight days in a Starbucks in San Francisco looking into one particularly outlandish line in the speech.
Nothing in here is sensitive, I can assure you. Look, the last thing we need is another brohaha over intelligence. But on the other hand, it's my speech and I really can't let a few straight-arrows in the NSA reign in perfectly good material. So it's going off as written.
I came here to praise this man and, let's face it, to do that, you have to bend the truth a little. And it's best to do it without a whole lot of intelligence.
But there is one thing that really distresses me. Yesterday, a few very important lines from the speech were selectively leaked to the Times. I don't know who did it, but obviously we're going to find out. The president has assured me that we will never not stop-looking.
C'mon people. Leaking is bad. You know it is. It's bad for the country. It undermines security. But if you have to leak, this event is a great opportunity. We're got a room full of top sources, high-ranking government officials, people close to the administration, congressional insiders, leading policymakers, leaders from both parties and annonymous whistle blowers. And there's enough liquor on hand to get the tongues wagging. Plus, for your convenience, we have recorders on all the tables and shredders in the back. Only a couple rules: We're all on the honor system, no need to confirm anything you hear. And, if you're being outed, just be a good sport.
And please, pro administration leakers should go to Fox. They are located at the fair and unbalanced table over there in the far right corner. Anti administration leakers can go to hell.
Mr. President, I know you're a modest man, and you have much better things to do than to sit here for seven minutes while I sing your praises. So let me just suggest that you think of this gathering as a classroom, and I am the teacher, and we're all reading My Pet Goat.
And I think I speak of all of us when I say that if a high-ranking member of your administration gives you news that requires your immediate attention, we will not be offended if you get up and leave. No explanation required. Really. The exit is right over there. The doors are unlocked and Air Force Two is standing by. Of course, you know who has Air Force One tonight. You gave him the keys.
Dick Cheney is not here tonight but sends his regards. Well, he didn't actually send his regards, but we heard through a ranch owner in Wyoming that he sends his regards. Same thing really. Probably a lot of people here upset that his regards were not announced through the mainstream press. But my take: "Sending His Regards" is really a code word for taking our Iran. Look into it. Quickly.
The president and the first lady. A handsome couple. Don't they cover up nicely? Always have. Laura, gracious as always. It's no secret that the public no longer finds your husband credible, honest, trustworthy or even caring. But they do appreciate your couplehood. I think. The way you stick together through one magnificent failure after another. Going back over 10, 20, 30 years. It's remarkable and I for one am inspired by your devotion and obliviousness.
A special note about the meal here tonight. Excellent, by the way. The menu was selected by Karl Rove and Tony Snow. And did you know that this was the exact same meal that Saddam Hussein served his top advisors - before he had them executed. It's true. That's just one of the many pieces of information found in the documents seized in Bahgdad. Imagine what is left to be uncovered. Or covered up.
I think we all need to take a moment and reflect upon Katrina. A tragic story. But with the leadership of this president, we now know that this great country can loose one of it's most historic and important coastal cities and it will not affect the size, the quality, or the cost of shrimp served at gala political affairs.
This is a War President. He's said it and you've reported it, so it must be true. And that's a heavy burden. As a war president, his vacation time is down considerably. You can't imagine how the brush is building up on the ranch.
Cindy Sheehan could do better to stop raising protest signs and start swinging some axes. I understand that Halliburton has even offered to donate them...if they get a special ax tax break. And my guess is they probably will. You know the drill. Earmark Halliburton. Bill taxpayers. Get a little something extra for the charity of your choice.
And don't worry about a veto. See, with the war, President Bush has no time to veto anything. In fact, he really only has time to issue threats of a veto.
And give him credit, he tried to declare mission accomplished. Big ceremony. Aircraft carrier. Very World War II. What more could you do? I blame congress. Obviously, we'll all rest easier when the congress finally exerts their authority to declare war over. Until then you have to war on.
And the president is so busy with military matters he is only able to attend about 150 fundraisers a year. And as I was coming here, Ken Mehlman reminded me that if Bush wasn't here tonight, he'd be raking in about three million at a poker game he had scheduled with RCN Pioneers. And they need that revenue. As you can imagine, the hunting weekends with Dick are not as profitable as they used to be.
But I would submit Mr. President, that we really are not a nation at war. War was fine when we were winning. Now, we are a nation spreading liberty and freedom that will eventually lead to a more peaceful world. So the "war" is really just a very aggressive peace movement. And every peace movement demands a sense of order. Look at Kent State. I think I made my point.
See, in this country we take freedom for granted. We've become soft. Lazy really. That's why this administration has worked so vigorously to take away our freedoms. So if we ever get them back we'll appreciate them that much more. The fact is, the only people who deserve more freedom are rich people. That's why we say richly deserving. And that's why, being the visionary that you are, you have given tax breaks and windfalls to the top one percent. The message to the rest of us is simple: Get rich.
And that's why, based on the great policies of this administration, 90 percent of the people will someday be in the top one percent.
Remember, when these people took office only one percent of Americans where in the top one percent. Pathetic really. We can do better. And we are.
And a word out to the press. Have you noticed how low your credibility is with the public? It's true. But it's no mystery why. The public is tuning out because you ask too many questions? You're like a five year old always asking why, why, why. Stop acting like children and start acting like adults. The enemy is watching. If you ask questions, you just look weak and uniformed. Go out there and boldly state the news as it is. As it is handed to you. Look, newspaper reporters should report. TV broadcasters should broadcast. And radio people should radiate. Simple. Questionnaires. Those are for pollsters.
Part of the problem is that you believe that elected officials should be held accountable. But you forget. This guys weren't elected. So the old rules don't apply.
These are new times, so let's get with it. President Cheney, I mean President Bush is the leader of the free world. But that's old school. Any U.S. president would be president of the free world. That's why President Bush strives for even more. He's not just the leader of the free world, he's the leader of the un-free world. And that world is growing. The Taliban is resurging in Afghanistan. Hardliners are gaining control throughout the Middle East. And extremism is on the rise. But freedom and un-freedom is on the march. It's all good.
What people have to realize is that freedom is really more an idea, and so if you don't have freedom today, you can still aspire to be free. And that's just about as good as the real deal.
Bin Laden. Sure he's out there. But he's broadcasting less frequently than the Sopranos. So, give him a few more years, and see if his audience is still there. My guess, they'll move on. He really can't compete with American Idol, which is spreading faster than democracy around the world. And I've seen Bin Laden's demographics. He's like Fox News, great with the 60 and older crowd, but what about the prime consumers of propaganda? They're younger and he's losing them. Literally. I say, let's win the ratings war and the real war will take care of itself.
And you all have a role to play. Let's focus on the positive. Let's stop rehashing the past. In fact, let's ignore Iraq and Afghanistan all together. It's just a few hundred thousand troops. No reason to drag down the rest of the country when they're trying as hard as possible to max out those credit cards.
Let's overlook the mistakes that were made, and start looking at the mistakes we're going to make. And there are hundreds of them. All by liberals. Trust me. Keep an eye on Hillary. She's gold. Feingold. He's silver. And Gore, he's totally green.
Keep those newscasts entertaining and provocative. Flag burning. That's hot. Gay marriage is a winner. And love those reality makeover shows. There's plenty of mileage left in that tank. Eventually we can do one for Baghdad.
Give the audience what they want...and deserve. This administration is working around the clock, well at least a couple hours a week, to do, just that. As Scott McClellan says, "the peoples business." The left wingers demand failures and scandals to motivate their base, and this president is giving them failure and scandal on an epic scale. The right wing needs erroneous successes to prop up their agenda, and that's exactly what they get. The late night talk show hosts need jokes, and this presidents delivers enough Bushisms, guffaws, and outlandish gaffs to keep them all fat and happy. And that's not going to stop.
And for the Christian conservatives, this president has created a legacy that truly demands faith. Anyone can have faith if your getting ahead, if you're paycheck is growing, your kids are learning, and the future looks bright. That's easy. Remember the old saying: A growing economy lifts all boats. Well my friends, faith demands more. As this economy has grown, the wealthy have set off in their yachts while the rest of us - millions of us -- wave from an eroding shoreline, hoping they will send back bigger boats. That's true faith.
I can't imagine how grateful we are all going to be years and years from now when we realize what this administration has accomplished. We will have passed along to our children and our children an extraordinary debt and perhaps a world of people who truly hate us. And what more can they ask for. We will have given them a reason for being - a real motivation to survive. For those who believe in the survival of the fittest, this will be a great test. And for those who prefer creationism, we are that much closer to the end of days.
Remember, Mr. President, your pledge to bring honor and dignity to the White House. That was a bold statement. And I can't help but think of that today as look at the people in this room. Rove. McClellan. Scalia. McCain. And then those who couldn't be here. Ken Lay. Kenny Boy. Jack Abramoff. Code name: Jackoff. The Hammer. Scooter. And several members of the Saudi Royal Family. Honor and dignity. Yes indeed. I look around and am reminded of the historic films that explore these great themes. The Godfather. Casino. Goodfellas. The Untouchables. Scarface. I think of those films, and I think of this gang, and I can only hope that, like in those stories, the bad guys get what's coming to them in the end.
Thank you.