I currently live in Massachusetts, but I grew up in Oklahoma, where I had the honor of voting against Sen. James Inhofe. Personally, the man is very amiable, as all decent politicians are, and I'm sure his family is wonderful. But after hearing the senator's
self-laudatory remarks about the homogenously heterosexual nature of his family, I felt I had to find out exactly how he was so certain.
So, after a lot of digging (as any good journalist, my sources are secret), I found the following transcripts of phone conversations between Sen. James Inhofe and his grandchildren. I've redacted the names of the young ones to protect their identities.
(phone rings)
YOUNG WOMAN: Hello?
(TV is on in background)
SEN. JAMES INHOFE: Hello, is -name redacted- there?
YW 1: Uh, yeah, hold on. (muffled) I dunno.
YOUNG WOMAN 2: Hello?
INHOFE: -name redacted-! It's Grandpa Jim!
YW 2: Grandpa?
(sounds of movement, shuffling)
YW 2: What a surprise!
INHOFE: Well, -name redacted-, I just wanted to call to check up on you. See how my favorite granddaughter is doing at college.
YW 2: Oh, yeah, well, things are going great. Me and a friend are just sitting around, um, watching TV.
INHOFE: Oh yeah? What are you watching?
YW 2: Um... uh... oh, I doubt you've heard of it.
INHOFE: Oh, come on... I'm not so out of touch. Try me.
YW 2: Uh, it's called "The L-Word"... but we were just flipping channels...
INHOFE: Oh yeah, I think I heard about that on TV. But I never knew what the "L-Word" was they were talking about...
YW 2: It's "love," grandpa. You know. It's kind of like "Sex in the City." Just girl stuff.
INHOFE: Oh well, don't want to keep you long from your friends, but I did have a quick question I wanted to ask you, dear.
YW 2: Oh yeah?
INHOFE: Yeah, with all the stuff going on with me at work about gay marriage and whatnot, I was just trying to find out what my kids and grandkids thought about the situation.
YW 2: Oh...
INHOFE: And I don't want you to get bothered by this like your mom did, but I felt I had to ask you anyway -- you haven't had any uh...(rustling of paper) sexual relations with the same gender?
YW 2: Are you serious, grandpa?
INHOFE: Now, I know it's a ridiculous question. I mean, of course not, you're a good Christian girl, and I'm sorry to have to ask it, but my political opponents are looking for any way to discredit me, and I just want to be prepared with all the inform...
YW 2: Okay, okay, grandpa. Okay. I get it.
INHOFE: Okay, dear. So, you've never had a homosexual relationship, right?
(short pause)
YW 2: Sure, grandpa. Can I go now?
INHOFE: Of course, -name redacted-. I don't want to keep you. Thank you so much -- you put an old man's mind at ease.
YW 2: Okay. Whatever. Bye.
(hangs up)
INHOFE: I love you!
(phone rings)
YOUNG MAN (shouting over loud music): Hello?!
SEN. JAMES INHOFE: Hello? -name redacted-? Is that you?
YM: Grandpa? Is that really you?
INHOFE: Yes, it's me! I just was checking in to say hello. Did I catch you at a bad time?
YM: What?
INHOFE (louder): Did I catch you at a bad time?
YM: Well, I'm at a concert right now, and it's hard to talk. Is everything okay?
INHOFE: Oh, everything's fine! I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing out there in San Fran.
YM: Oh, everything's great, Grandpa. Listen, can I...
INHOFE: Oh sure! But one quick question before I go. Are you still dating that nice girl you used to go out with back in Oklahoma?
YM: Susan?
INHOFE: Yeah, that's her. Lovely girl.
(short pause)
YM: Yeah... she's actually... right here with me.
INHOFE: Oh yeah? I'd love to talk to her later too. Such a sweet girl!
(short pause)
YM: Yeah, I'll have ....
(words drowned out as Erasure's "Oh L'Amour" begins playing and crowd cheers)
INHOFE: -name redacted-? You still there?
YM: Grandpa?
INHOFE: Yes, I'm here.
YM: Lemme call you back later, okay?
INHOFE: Sure thing. Good to hear your voice.
YM: Same to you grandpa. I love you much! Kisses!
INHOFE: I love you too, -name redacted-.
YM: Bye!
INHOFE: Bye!
(hangs up)