I just got back from the bar.
Specifically, I played in a two-man scramble golf tournament this afternoon, and despite an mediocre performance, we managed to snag first place in the first flight. Not a bad performance, considering. (We shot a 4-under 68. The winner was a 10-under 62.)
At any rate, where I'm going with this is that we ended up at a local bar, celebrating the success of the tournament as a whole. I ended up getting into a minor (very minor) verbal debate with a Bush-bot who claimed that Fox News Channel was a "balanced" network. When I called shenanigans on this, he brought up the "Hannity and Colmes" program as an example of the network's balance.
Furthermore, he made the claim that in 2010, the Fox News Channel would still be on top of the heap and would still be the "most balanced" network out there. That's all it took. My imagination took over, and I started to wonder what a transcript of "Hannity and Colmes" might look like in 2010.
More below the fold. Profanity and un-PC language follows.
July 15, 2010. This is a rush transcript. A completely accurate transcript of this program is available for the low, low cost of $3,500 from Rupert Murdoch.
Hannity: Welcome to Hannity and Colmes, the fair and balanced debate program. Our first segment tonight is entitled "Democrats: Should they be executed, or just imprisoned?" We'll bring you both sides of this scintillating debate this evening. But first, since Fox News is a very fair network, I need to introduce my counterpart. Alan Colmes has the flu tonight, so representing the Democratic point of view this evening is former Senator Zell Miller of Georgia.
Miller: Thank you, Sean. All Democrats must die!
Hannity: Thank you, Zell. We have invited a panel of prominent conservatives to address this topic tonight. Please welcome the Reverend Jerry Falwell, chancellor of Liberty University, Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, Fred Phelps, the pastor of the Westboro Baptist Church, Rick Santorum, former Senator from the state of Pennsylvania, and Bob Jones Jr., president of Bob Jones University.
Falwell: Thank you, Sean.
Dobson: Pleasure to be here.
Phelps: Die, faggots!
Santorum: Glad to be given the chance to set the record straight.
Jones: I'm gratified, Sean.
Miller: And representing the Democratic side of the argument tonight, we've recruited Tad Caldwell, who is the president of the Student Democratic Club at Eastern Southwestern Central Rhode Island Community College.
Hannity: (tapping pen on countertop) Sounds like a Communist to me.
Miller: "Unfortunately", we've learned that Mr. Caldwell was involved in a major automobile accident on his way to the studio. It was too late for us to recruit a new guest, however, so we've arranged for a mobile Fox News crew to broadcast from his hospital room. Good evening, Mr. Caldwell.
(Camera cuts to hospital room, which shows a bed containing a man on a ventilator. Medical machinery is beeping and whirring.)
Miller: Hello???
Hospital Machinery: (WHIRR)
Hannity: Typical. The interview hasn't even started yet and he's already showing his Democratic sliminess. Okay, Reverend Falwell, let's start with you. Ultimate leftists in this country have maintained that it is not constitutional for us to execute them. What kind of fantasy land are they living in?
Falwell: Well, Sean, you know that we support freedom. But freedom does not give anybody the ability to say whatever they want. We have a duty to temper our speech so that it most benefits our great nation. I recently heard a Democrat saying that he wished that Bush had never been elected.
Hannity: (Rapidly tapping pencil on countertop) Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I have never heard anything so unbelievable in my life.
Miller: How do you respond to this, Mr. Caldwell?
(Camera cuts to hospital room.)
Hospital Machinery: (BEEP .. WHIRR)
Miller: I'm going to have to interpret this silence as an admission of wrongdoing, you piece of shit.
Hospital Machinery: (WHIRR)
Hannity: Unbelievable. (taps pencil on counter)
Miller: Dr. Dobson, let's talk about Democratic hubris. Several key Democrats have recently claimed that it would be wrong for them to be executed for opposing the wars in Iran and Syria. Do you support this ridiculous assertion from the Democratic party, which must die as soon as possible?
Dobson: Normally, I don't talk to Democrats, Zell, but I will make an exception in this case. No, I don't support them. There is nothing in the Constitution that says that it is illegal to electrocute Democrats who do not support George W. Bush. If anybody feels otherwise, I would challenge them to provide proof.
Hannity: Mr. Caldwell, your response?
Hospital Machinery: (WHIRR .. BEEP)
Hannity: Unbelievable. Just when you think you've seen it all .. I have never .. (shakes head) Unbelievable. (taps pencil on counter)
Miller: Mr. Phelps. Your moral crusade has often been maligned by the liberal media. Is there anything that you would like to say to my Democratic guest tonight?
Phelps: (shrieking, with his arms held high above his head) Faggots! Pillar of salt! River of blood! Die! Die! Die!
Hannity: Mr. Caldwell, would you like to respond?
Hospital Machinery: (BEEP .. BEEP BEEP)
Hannity: You know, I may have seen something more unbelievable back in the Mondale campaign in 1984, but I can't remember what it was. This is unbelievable. Unbelievable. (Taps pencil on counter.) The fact that our Democratic guest would defend this is just unbelievable to me.
Miller: This bastard in the bed is just enraging me. Pistols at dawn. I challenge you to pistols at dawn, you piece of shit! Do you take my challenge?
Hospital Machinery: (BEEP .. BEEP BEEP BEEP)
Hannity: Unbelievable. (taps pencil on countertop) Senator Santorum, in your opinion, what should be done with the Democratic Party? Is imprisonment enough, or is execution called for?
Santorum: Normally, I'm an "imprisonment" kind of guy, but in this case, I think execution is called for. We're in a terror war, Sean, and you're either with us or you're against us. If you can't speak up to defend your country, you're clearly against us. And we must act to deal with those that are against us.
Miller: Your response, Tad?
Hospital Equipment: (BEEP .. BEEP BEEP BEEP .. BEEPBEEPBEEP)
Hannity: Unbelievable! The bastard won't even stand up for his country!
Miller: Sacred mother of fuck!
Hannity: Unbelievable. I may have thought that I had seen the most unbelievable thing in my life back in 1998 during the Clinton impeachment, but I was wrong. Never before in recorded history has there been anything so unbelievable. I'm stunned. I can barely talk. Unbelievable. (taps pencil on countertop)
Miller: KILL! (shrieking) I WILL KILL! (leaps over countertop and starts choking the nearest cameraman)
Hannity: Thank you for watching Hannity and Colmes, the fair and balanced debate program. When we come back from our next commercial break, we will tackle the tough issue: "Negroes: Good or bad for America?" In the meantime, please stay tuned for Greta van Sustern's explosive documentary regarding the 6th anniversary of the disappearance of Natalee Holloway.