Dear Neighbors, Fellow Americans, Valued Voters:
I am sure that you, like me, believe that it is high time that America administer a stern lesson to the liberals. This Fourth of July finds them smug with the success of their defeat of the Flag Burning Amendment. But you don't think that satisfied them, do you? No - they are now seeking ever more pernicious means to have their way with Old Glory. Mark my words, this Independence Day, liberals will see to it that our venerated family value of Fourth of July fireworks will be consumed in a fiery illumination more like the eternal incinerator those atheists know awaits them, than the solemn day on which we celebrate America's, and in so doing, Jesus's, Independence.
Let me get to the crux of what needs to be worrying you: We can all agree that people of low moral character will do just about anything for money. It's only logical, then, that some people are willing to do anything TO money. This is a fearsome threat to our national security.
What kind of people? Not you or me, I know. So who does that leave? You don't need a hint: only one 'left' is the liberal. And so, it is now time to up the ante. And that is why I ask you to support my crowning effort on your behalf, the Howles-Santorum-O'Connell-Frist Anti-Current Desecration Amendment.
The Amendment to the Constitution I seek will punish severely (not leastly by updating some of the more cruel and inhuman language our founders accidentally included, and which was only a product of writing longhand and in such small letters) those who flaunt their hatred of America by burning that which we all agree is most sacred to her - her money. Why, all you have to do is cast your memory back to the idea of a man lighting his cigar with a rolled up hundred dollar bill: What kind of a man do you see, in your mind's eye? You and me see the same thing - the kind of man who would make that hundred dollars off the toil and sweat of a poor, helpless woman.... Off someone's own daughter.
Meet your local liberal. John Q. Al Kada.
Why, you might ask, since money-burning is as foreign an idea to you and to me as flag burning, why would anyone burn money?
I'm glad you asked. Even though I don't much like the answer myself.
Every day you hear the liberals out there, filling up the mainstream media, quacking away and going on about how our holy - for I will exercise the right of free speech bestowed by God onto each and every Conservative and call this brave war what it is - our HOLY war against the Hislamics is draining our country of our national treasure.
And what is our national treasure? What do the liberals mean by that? Are they talking about some wooden chest lying off the Louisiana shores in an old pirate boat presided over by the ghost of Barnacle Bill the Sailor? Why, it is simply money, my friends. Nothing more. Money. American money. The best darn tootin' money in the world. In some religions they even have all sorts of fancy ways to speak about it. You'd know what I mean if you ever had to sit there and listen to Alan Greenspan, a noted liberal, testify on the subject for three or four hours. But to us Americans, the term national treasure just means money, pure and simple. The mother's milk, combined with our faith, that each of us suckles blessedly from cradle to grave. Money - the REAL Social Security. Get you some of that and you can have your own lockbox.
Ever since 9/11, every time an American boy is killed in Iraq, you can practically hear the liberals laughing and slapping they knees and clapping each other on the back. See, they like to say, you off and killed another one. You Conservatives are killing our boys, is how they put it.
And then they size you up to see if they dare, and they say: AND YOU ARE SQUANDERING OUR NATIONAL TREASURE!
Now, let me ask you good folks a question: if you had to, real quick, could you spot the difference between a dollar bill and an American soldier? I know it ain't easy. But I guarantee you the sad truth is that any liberal could answer that. Oh, yes. They could. In a New York minute. Better not kid yourself - they study things like that. They even force those ideas in their children's heads. And the sooner we look those children in the eye the better, folks.
If you asked a liberal what the difference between a dollar bill and an American soldier is, it would answer, quick as catch can, that you can't exactly fold them up and carry a few soldiers around in your hip pocket. That not just anybody's sweetheart can modestly tuck a GI or two away down somewhere in case a taxi might require to be called for (I said a taxi - not TAXES! You all who voted me up know I like my little joshin', even if taxis - I mean taxes - are no laughing matter!).
Seriously, though, you can see where this calamity is headed. Unless we strengthen our resolve and harden our hearts against this perfidy, neighbors, it will only be a matter of time before liberals start burning every dollar they can get their hands on. My dollars, your dollars, anyone's dollars. Except any liberal's dollars, because there aren't any left over from a welfare payment after they buy a few Colt 45's and a box of Tiparillos.
We all know liberals will not stop at anything to have things their way. Go on and check and you'll find out what I already know: every liberal in America has a book of matches somewhere near to hand. I already told you they hate America.
At least thank God the liberals don't believe in guns so they can't kill our soldiers themselves - oh, you bet I'd like to see one of 'em try, I'd buy the first ticket to that carnival and a round for the house afterwards. But short of that they can, and they will, do everything in their power to hasten the destruction of that national treasure they keep railing on about. Once they have made their point by burning - perhaps in secret, perhaps they are doing it at this very moment, with some crack cocaine in one hand and a Zippo in the other. Maybe they're making your very own trembling daughters witness the spectacle and give them a foot massage. Something that you, tragically, might never know of. The shame will be too great for them to ever tell you.
[I have an idea for how to fix that, too. My Joint Parental and Executive Powers Expansion Amendment will seek to widen the weak protections we have over the lives of many of our other at-risk citizens of reproductive age or age of consent. It'll also help out the President a little. But I digress. Now is the time to speak not of the liberty to defend as we see fit our feminine ideals, but of the pressing need to stop liberals from exercising what they, in their depravity, consider liberties. You remember how all it used to take - back in those misty-gone, seeming sepia-tinged now, days when a young man might could find himself at the invitation-only end of a rope - were the words: "He took his liberties with me!" Makes me shudder to think about it, but that's how your liberal thinks of the idea of liberty. As something of his to whip out at will and inflict on you and me and anyone else they like. Or just like the looks of. I don't question that Jesse Jackson's some kind of a Reverend like he says he is, just so long as Reverend Jackson admits that there was something to be said for the speed and efficiency of what was no more than the old Southern court system.]
Let me get back to the point about the money I hope to make: If we do not act now, the liberals will win an important victory. Why, I have even heard of a plan whereby those villains might just as soon as not start burning all the money at once. At the very same instant! I can not say more. I may have stretched what I am liberty to say a little already.
Can you possibly imagine? The utter destruction that might await our nation, God's own country, if the liberals are granted the power to drain us of as much as half of the national treasure? Just because they prefer the French? Whatever you do, ladies and gentlemen, no matter how hard times may get, do NOT, repeat, DO NOT, even if the very last United States of American dollar has succumbed to a fiery liberal fate, DO NOT ACCEPT French francs. The dastardly French 'bankers' have been well warned of such a move by top American liberals and have quietly switched to Euros already. Do not grant 'Carte Blanche' to these foot massagers of Lucifer!
You know that I wish you all a happy and especially a safe Fourth of July. Our state does tend to top the national emergency room statistics for children with fireworks-related injuries every Independence Day. But I could not let the day pass without acknowledging this most fearsome of the manifold dangers facing our democracy. What better day to reflect upon the need to protect our freedoms by enshrining ways to limit the actions our enemies wish to undertake?
Now, go out and dare a liberal to burn a hundred dollars up. Go on and dare one. One of them little wiry kinds, if you can find one. And then show 'em what it means to live in America. In God's America. Where Conservatives don't burn money - they contribute it!
Thanks you. God bless America.
Senator Percy Howles, R-CS